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To hate DH's drinking?

(18 Posts)
itstimeforchange Sun 26-Feb-17 23:11:51

i.e. is this 'normal' and I've just grown up shielded from 'real life'?! (His opinion.)

He drinks, I don't. (Well, barely at all.) He goes out to the pub twice a week to see/drink with a mate. He probably has 4-6 pints a time, at a guess. (I can't get a real answer if ever I ask, because he always lies about it.) He doesn't usually get drunk, but on occasion comes home slurring his words and speaks differently which I despise, although try not to say anything. I used to comment - probably a LOT - when we were newly married and I was young, pregnant and irrationally terrified he'd come home drunk and beat me (he never has obvs!), and I probably contributed to a vicious circle for a year or so. Since then I try not to say anything but fail as much as I succeed. He lies and hides bottles sometimes and things like that, hence not being very good at holding my tongue, and yeah, vicious circle.

If he ever goes out with other friends he drinks more, on top of his usual weekly quota, and from Sept-Dec and March-July he attends a club thing twice a week, after which they all go to the pub. We see family most Sundays who provide wine and he will drink a whole bottle - seems like its as fast as he can, as though I'm going to notice and take it away.
Part of what really annoys me is money - or lack of. I work self-employed but don't have much coming in at the moment. I also have a chronic health condition that limits me to doing part time at the most.

He works 3 hours a week (yes, you read that right) and gets £50 for that, but otherwise nothing of note. Technically he's supposed to be in charged of housework/kids but in reality it's washing clothes, cooking and two thirds of the school runs, and not much else.

Nocabbageinmyeye Sun 26-Feb-17 23:25:39

Yanbu op, irrespective of how much you drink if you are lying and hiding drink then you have a problem. So he basically contributes nothing as surely all of that £50 is being spent on drink? Why is he only working 3 hours? Although that's possibly not relevant but it just sounds like part of a bigger issue really

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Mon 27-Feb-17 01:41:53

The amount he drinks isn't unusual (if that's all there is) but the lying is a problem. And he clearly can't afford it which is a problem. And it makes you miserable. You really thought he'd beat you?

Bahh Mon 27-Feb-17 01:46:32

He is a functioning alcoholic. Get him help.

EmeraldScorn Mon 27-Feb-17 01:49:34

Feeling the need to hide bottles and lie are both problems and potentially indicative of a bigger problem to come but can I ask why he only works 3 hours a week and how he can afford to go drinking as much as he does on £50 a week? Surely that £50 should be going towards food shopping/bills etc.

Basically what you're saying is that he contributes nothing financially, does very little with regard housework/family and likes to socialise a little too often for your liking - Does he drink in the house?

MiddleClassProblem Mon 27-Feb-17 01:52:03

Did this start aftercyou got married or did you know this before?

I'm a bit confused about the quantities. It's either a lot or a normal amount for some who drinks a lot socially if that makes sense.

The lying I'm guess comes from the questioning which in turn comes from your own dislike of alcohol (inc effects). This isn't unreasonable but if you knew this before you married him then it's harder to comprehend.

MiddleClassProblem Mon 27-Feb-17 01:53:28

The earning situation sounds more of and issue in regards to the booze. It would be ok if you could afford it but it sounds like money is tight.

Trifleorbust Mon 27-Feb-17 02:25:58

Hiding bottles of what? Sounds like a normal amount to drink in the pub but hiding drinking is never a good sign. Not being able to afford what you spend is a red flag too.

But you saying you 'despise' his drinking might explain some of his subterfuge - you seem to have a dislike of it that outmatches what you have written here.

Pallisers Mon 27-Feb-17 02:27:25

If he works 3 hours a week, how on earth can he afford to go out and drink that much every week? Who is paying for this drink?

It is a lot of alcohol to drink every week but not a lot if it was part of a normal attitude to alcohol - like a man who works full time, helps out at home, goes out twice a week to a hobby and has a few pints. Mightn't be the healthiest thing but few would worry about it.

What you have is a non working man who still manages to drink a huge amount - as much as he can get away with - and does so secretly.

I am also a bit flabbergasted at your worry early on that he would come home drunk and beat you? Where did that come from? Because most women don't worry that this will happen if their husbands get tipsy or drunk. I feel like there is way more going on here than you are saying.

sobeyondthehills Mon 27-Feb-17 02:37:57

Last time I was working in a pub, pints were between £3.25 and £3.75 so I imagine they have gone up a bit (this is last year)

Being average he is spending £42 just on the pub.

I am assuming there is a story behind you thinking he might come home and beat you because that is not normal, the worse I have to think of if my partner came home drunk, is him throwing up and snoring.

As someone who has a drinking problem this is throwing up flags left, right and center

sibys1 Mon 27-Feb-17 02:42:27

The amount he drinks is above what is healthy, without being an outrageous amount.

But as a proportion of income...Geez. YANBU

itstimeforchange Tue 28-Feb-17 22:13:03

I should have mentioned, he lies about various random things, not solely drink. It's definitely like he's worried about what I will think/say. I probably contributed to this despite my best efforts, although looking back it's likely that he was in the habit of lying before I met him. Just happens with silly things. I have to make sure I phrase things correctly (open sentences) otherwise he will automatically lie. e.g. I saw him tracking a parcel the other day and said, "is that your mum's parcel?" which we were waiting for. He said yes. I said "hmm, I know it isn't, but fine." (It wasn't the right tracking company, plus I can usually tell by his tone of voice.) Later on I said something like, "So what else have you bought?" and although there was a slight hesitation, he then told me the truth. No mention from either side that the previous convo had happened - it's the only way I can get through it without him 'shutting down'!

He's only working 3 hours because he doesn't have a proper job; some friends who own a small company asked him to help with some work one afternoon a week, hence the 3 hours. Originally when the kids were at home we swapped roles (after he got fired from his job...) - we together decided that I'd try working (I was SAHM at the time, although did have a few small paid commitments) and he would be a SAHD. But now that all the kids are at school there is no reason for him not to work. If I had plenty of money coming in I wouldn't mind so much, but I don't, and as I say I'm also limited in how much I do due to health. (Also, it was always the plan originally that once the kids were at school he would find work, if only part time!)

itstimeforchange Tue 28-Feb-17 22:13:26

DH has always been terrible at looking for/applying for jobs, btw. I've done lots of his job applications in the past - fairly successfully on my part... and helped get him 3 jobs over the years. One he left when we moved and the other two he got fired from. (He used to work a decent office job and then got made redundant, and has never managed to get back into that role because it was going out of fashion and he didn't keep himself up to date, so now his skills are so out of date they're practically useless.)

Re. drinks, he occasionally drinks in the house (usually a bottle of wine) but only really if I'm out - and then washes/puts away the glass and hides the bottle/puts it in the recycling box outside the back of the house. Again, guilty pleasure kind of drinking, but not that frequently I guess. A few times a month? (On top of pub drinking.)

pallisers the worry that he would come home drunk and beat me is irrational and stems from my childhood - it's nothing at all related to DH but has contributed to my poor dealing of the situation. DH has never been violent to anyone, to my knowledge. Any conflict makes him shut down rather than be aggressive.

Obviouspretzel Wed 01-Mar-17 06:06:34

He probably hides his drinking because of your attitude to it and him. I would hide it as well.

However, it sounds like your relationship in general has a lot of other problems, of which his drinking is the least of it. Sorry.

mikulkin Wed 01-Mar-17 18:29:52

Agree with Obvious, drinking is not a problem in your relationship, everything else is. He drinks normal amounts for somebody who is active socially and it is strange that you concentrate on his drinking while there are so many other issues.

BestZebbie Wed 01-Mar-17 18:38:23

If you try to catch him out (eg: 'is that your mum's parcel? to which either 'yes' or 'no' is going to get him into trouble) then I'm not surprised that he feels a bit jumpy and also feels he needs to say whatever he thinks you want to hear.

On the other hand, you sound as if you have other issues around his (lack of) working which do need to be discussed properly, without blame or sniping.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Wed 01-Mar-17 22:46:38

Drinking -pales into insignificance compared to him being an idle twat.

itstimeforchange Thu 02-Mar-17 22:33:50

mikulkin it sometimes really bothers me, and at the time of posting this thread I was feeling really annoyed about it. Of course we have other issues too. I just don't necessarily want to post about all of them. Plus the drinking is the one I feel I might be being unreasonable about - hence asking!

BestZebbie what I actually meant was that I have to feed him 'safe' lines in order to 'help' him tell the truth. I couldn't really give a toss what his answers are iyswim, as long as he's not lying to me. Unfortunately that (lying) is what he does quite a lot. sad But I'm definitely not trying to catch him out!

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