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DH wants to use a family name for our child, I don't - AIBU

(192 Posts)
Todayistuesday Sun 26-Feb-17 22:54:25

DH's middle name is an unusual one and his father and grandfather also have it. It's a family name. He'd like our baby to have it too if it's a boy. I really don't like it. I'd maybe consider it as an additional middle name. He wants it as a first name and doesn't want the child to have two middle names. With my other child we both chose their names. AIBU?

Floggingmolly Sun 26-Feb-17 22:55:27

Depends on the name.

JonesyAndTheSalad Sun 26-Feb-17 22:56:10

No YANBU. DH and I agreed that if one of us hated a name then it was matter how much the other liked it.

I ended up with what was really the final say and that's because I carried the baby and gave birth!

Just keep repeating no. It's not like he can go over your head on this is it?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Sun 26-Feb-17 22:56:17

I think having it as a second middle name is a good compromise. Which is what both of you are going to have to do otherwise one of you will be very unhappy.

JonesyAndTheSalad Sun 26-Feb-17 22:56:38

Molly it really doesn't depend on the name at all. If OP hates it, she should not have to call her baby it.

junebirthdaygirl Sun 26-Feb-17 22:59:44

I woulx give it to him as a second name. His only one. No one pays much attention to second names and itz a nice tradition he may be proud to be part of. But its important to agree first names.

Todayistuesday Sun 26-Feb-17 23:01:43

It's quite a feminine name, definitely unusual for a boy in our culture. I think his parents would be upset if we didn't use it. It's the breaking of a tradition I suppose, but it's not one that means anything to me. At the moment the name irks me just by thinking about it! I can't be irritated by my own child's name, can I?!

crazypenguinlady Sun 26-Feb-17 23:02:24

Would he agree that you have more say in the first name if he wants to choose the middle name? Obviously he can't force you to use a middle name if you dislike it that much but could you compromise. Is there a variation of the name you could use instead?

Personally, it has always been extremely important for me to use my dad's name as a middle name for a boy and thankfully DP agreed (our baby is 5 days overdue!). I'd have been upset if he refused but would have tried to find a middle ground. As it happens, family significance means a lot to us both so although I dislike his father's name, we'll be using it as a second middle name, at my suggestion. So I can understand not liking a name but for me, the honouring trumped that.

What's the name by the way?

Todayistuesday Sun 26-Feb-17 23:04:35

I wish I could say but it would out me; it's unusual! Worth suggesting to him about me having more say over first name if he gets that one.

LemonBreeland Sun 26-Feb-17 23:04:53

If it is traditionally a middle name in his family why is he so keen to use it as a first name?

ollieplimsoles Sun 26-Feb-17 23:05:07

Yanbu, you cant call your baby something you both dont love for the sake of tradition, its madness.

What's the name op?

ollieplimsoles Sun 26-Feb-17 23:06:06

think his parents would be upset if we didn't use it

Oh what a terrible shame for them..hmm

ParadiseCity Sun 26-Feb-17 23:06:08

I went with DH family tradition for DS middle name but it's a name also in my family AND I like it AND it's 'only' his middle name.

For DD I have a family tradition name, I don't really even remember consulting DH but he must have liked it or not minded...

However none of this matters if you hate the name. That is an automatic veto.

MiddleClassProblem Sun 26-Feb-17 23:06:46

My DH put a family name forward to which I objected fullstop as I don't like that sort of thing. I like people to be individual if that makes sense. I also pointed out that as o had taken his surname the navy would already have representation of his family in name form and nothing from my side. He said I could use a family name but I didn't want that. I often don't feel it's fair unless that person meant something extra special to you which in this case it didn't.

If you are going to I would feel it would be to honour that person.

rollonthesummer Sun 26-Feb-17 23:07:02

If it is traditionally a middle name in his family why is he so keen to use it as a first name?

That's what I was thinking!

If one of the couple hates a name then it's off the list as far as I'm concerned.

ParadiseCity Sun 26-Feb-17 23:08:27

Re the in-laws, maybe tell them you don't want to use it because you have an ex boyfriend with the name? Or ex girlfriend if it's that feminine?

Willyoujustbequiet Sun 26-Feb-17 23:08:57


Have you taken DH surname? Will any of the name reflect you?

RachelRagged Sun 26-Feb-17 23:10:06

Trying to think what it could be . Just because.

Can only come up with Hillary and Lyndsay (Lindsey) as heard of males named both .

SoulAccount Sun 26-Feb-17 23:10:07

If he wants this name, he doesn't also get to decide how many middle names the baby gets. Is the baby also having his surname?

Not reasonable to use a first name that is not agreed by both parents.

Does this middle name have any meaning or significance other than it has been recycled over 3 generations?

Todayistuesday Sun 26-Feb-17 23:10:51

We operated a veto system last time. Good point about it being a middle name tradition and also the surname - the baby will have his. I'm not mad keen about even having it as a middle name really. It's also our last child and I don't really think I should have to compromise on such an important thing.

RachelRagged Sun 26-Feb-17 23:11:48


Todayistuesday Sun 26-Feb-17 23:11:53

No other significance. Rachel, one of those is right!

ollieplimsoles Sun 26-Feb-17 23:12:19

often don't feel it's fair unless that person meant something extra special to you which in this case it didn't

I agree with this, my dd's middle name was given after a famous person whom I greatly admire and have done since my teens, her first name is her own. A baby should be an individual, not a hand me down of a family tradition.

RachelRagged Sun 26-Feb-17 23:13:02

Well in my opinion you are definitely NBU .

May be my age but to me they are girls names.

Todayistuesday Sun 26-Feb-17 23:13:38

Has no significance to me. I just feel irritated by the very mention of it at the moment!

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