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To be really upset with DH? Do I need a reality check?

(67 Posts)
BoopTheSnoot Sun 26-Feb-17 16:43:04

Last night I asked DH if I could borrow his phone to look something up on Google (mine was totally flat). When I went to open a new tab, and it displayed the other tabs he had open. They were all porn.
I looked at him and said "If you're going to watch porn, be smart enough to close the tabs before letting your wife use the browser on your phone". He'd obviously forgotten, he looked mortified and snatched the phone off me.
I've caught him doing it before, a few years ago. I told him then that although I don't really care if he wants to masturbate, I'd really rather he didn't watch that sort of stuff when me or the kids could walk in on it. It makes me really uncomfortable.
To be honest, I am really upset with him. I feel quite betrayed- that he's been watching other women and getting off on it. I can barely look at him today.
And I really don't know what to do about it.
AIBU to feel so upset?

PollytheDolly Sun 26-Feb-17 16:44:31

Not you're not unreasonable. I'd feel the same as you, just less reasonable about it.

Crunchymum Sun 26-Feb-17 16:46:00

Get your husband to have a read of this.

ElvishArchdruid Sun 26-Feb-17 16:47:37

I don't agree with porn but I doubt my views will make much of a difference to your DH.

Whisky2014 Sun 26-Feb-17 16:48:03

Well if you have never said "please do not watch porn" (at all) then i think YABU. Sometimes i watch porn and ive only gone on one site. As soon as you click anything theres auto pop ups which open new tabs. So ok maybe multiple tabs was a bit much but possibly not his doing. Not being able to look at him is an overreaction imo.

BarbarianMum Sun 26-Feb-17 16:50:31

You told him you were ok with him watching it. Why would you say that If, actually, you're not?

BoopTheSnoot Sun 26-Feb-17 16:53:19

I felt sick when I saw it. If I ever found out that either of the kids had discovered it I'd hit the damn roof. We'd be swimming in divorce territory.
He doesn't seem to give a shit. No apology, no remorse. He said it's partly on me because we haven't had enough sex recently (as an aside, I've got a Bartholin's cyst that I'm just starting to get over so it's the last thing I've felt like lately). I would also like to point out that the children were in bed when this discussion took place
It's his stinking attitude about it that gets me as much as anything!
I really feel betrayed, hurt, a bit disgusted. I know plenty of people don't mind porn, I find it all a bit exploitative myself.
I can hardly look at him.

BoopTheSnoot Sun 26-Feb-17 16:54:03

Yes, in the past I have asked him explicitly not to watch porn.

BoopTheSnoot Sun 26-Feb-17 16:55:01

Barbarian I told him that I don't care if he masturbates in private, he knows how I feel about porn. Sorry if that wasn't clear in the OP.

user1486499646 Sun 26-Feb-17 16:55:39

I dont agree with it atall if i caught mine id go ballistic and he knows that but everyone is diffrent some people dont mind exspecially if sex with each other has dissaeared

Whisky2014 Sun 26-Feb-17 17:02:20

Any more to drip feed?

Whisky2014 Sun 26-Feb-17 17:04:34

I told him that I don't care if he masturbates in private
And he did, didnt he? So im still not sure the issue?

Familyof3or4 Sun 26-Feb-17 17:20:01

I think yabu

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 26-Feb-17 17:21:21

Whisky yeah it's been such a trial to read like 5 posts hasn't it? Jeez...

Anyway OP this is such a personal thing, in the sense that some people can't stand it and see it as a full blown betrayal, and other people aren't bothered by it. I'm in the "not bothered" category.

Although I would most definitely not be happy with the tabs being left open if it meant there was a chance it could be seen by someone else. That would be an issue for me. But I wouldn't see it as any kind of betrayal.

I don't think YABU though - you just feel how you feel. No one can change your mind on that.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 26-Feb-17 17:23:49

I told him that I don't care if he masturbates in private

It would be unreasonable to think you have control over what someone else does with their own body, IMO. Being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you have control over stuff like that, or even a say in it, because you don't.

NewPuppyMum Sun 26-Feb-17 17:24:53

It's not at all on you that he watched porn because you haven't had sex with him for a bit. What a twat.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 26-Feb-17 17:26:17

I agree the comment about him doing it because of lack of sex is utterly pathetic and horrible. That is a definite issue.

Vegansnake Sun 26-Feb-17 17:29:32

i would hate to find that on my dh phone op,you have my sympathy as it would force me to confront something I would rather not know,,as it's none of my business,personally I think It should be banned I think it corrupts society.but that's just me...I assume most of the women must be forced in to it in some way..and any that choose to do it..well I use the word choose loosely ,perhaps they have low self esteem and can't think of anything else they could do...

Whisky2014 Sun 26-Feb-17 17:29:45

We need all the info to comment dont we? Otherwise its a waste of time.

MrsMcMoo Sun 26-Feb-17 17:37:30

It's his phone. I think it's pretty controlling tbh. I don't happen to like porn, but I'd be pissed off if anyone told me off for watching something perfectly legal.

ChipmunkSundays Sun 26-Feb-17 17:49:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sibys1 Sun 26-Feb-17 20:39:06

The starting point for me is that the vast majority of men, and a significant portion of women, watch porn. Watching porn is fairly normal behaviour, especially in men.

Obviously 'everyone does it' does not mean it's automatically okay. As you say, porn is often very exploitative.

But porn is not the only mainstream industry that is very exploitative. A lot of retail industries are pretty awful when it comes to child labour and sweat shop work, as well as a wealth of other unsavoury practices. The obvious example is cheap clothing retailers like Primark, but they're far from the only culprit. If your main issue with porn is that it's exploitative, do you always make sure that other products you consume are ethically-sourced? If not, I think there's a degree of hypocrisy.

I would add, however, that porn can have a very damaging affect on its viewers and their relationships (in much the same way that consuming alcohol can be). Some people will be affected fairly minimally, but it can absolutely cause problems in people's sex lives. I'm not sure if that's happened in your relationship at all.

For me, based on your posts, the biggest issue is that your husband appears to have blamed you for him watching porn (but that depends on what was actually said, whether he specifically blamed you or said that he was watching it because of a lack of sex at the moment).

It's really up to you how you feel. What I've tried to do above is put it in perspective, so far as I see it, but obviously you are perfectly entitled to your own views and feelings.

RebelRogue Sun 26-Feb-17 20:50:13

Well both the comments you said to him in your OP actually say "if you watch porn I don't want to know about it". If you actually specifically stated no porn as per your update i can see why you are upset.
Many people enjoy porn,many people dislike's irrelevant to how you feel about it and how your husband should react to those feelings.
It might be just me,but i get the feeling there's more issues in your marriage than just the porn?

sibys1 Sun 26-Feb-17 20:51:09

Sorry, would just like to add that, just because other industries are shit, doesn't mean that people shouldn't have issues with the porn industry (it's preferable if there are no exploitative industries) just that I wouldn't necessarily judge an individual porn consumer more harshly than an individual Primark shopper.

Bluntness100 Sun 26-Feb-17 20:57:40

>>I told him that I don't care if he masturbates in private<<

What? Most people masturbate. It should not be something you give him "permission" to do. That's just plain weird.

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