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AIBU to think this is just too much?

(22 Posts)
GerardNoWay Sun 26-Feb-17 12:55:03

OH and I have 1 DD who is 16 months. We both work full time and he often works at weekends.

Prior to having DD I had quite a high sex drive but this has understandably taken a nose dive after having DD. We probably have sex twice a week, which I don't think is too bad all things considered.

Problem is, his sex drive has now overtaken mine and the way he is approaching this is making me feel...uncomfortable?

Pretty much every evening when we get in bed he makes it clear he wants sex and tries to initiate it. If I am not in the mood I make it obvious. I don't out and out reject him but I will gently say no, I'm no feeling it.

A few nights ago he was clearly turned on and, after I had made it clear I wasn't up for it, he lay in bed and whispered into the darkness 'Tell me something dirty'. I very firmly turned around and said I wasn't in the mood, that I'd made that clear. He sorted himself out.

Then, last night he tried to initiate and I once again said no. I was exhausted, been used as a climbing frame all day by DD, etc. Feeling bad for letting him down again I asked if we could cuddle. I apologised for my lack of sex drive at the moment, reassured him I still wanted him but I found it difficult to get in the mood sometimes. He said this was fine. He said it only became an issue if I started getting grumpy with him for having a wank.

We continued to cuddle and it became quite obvious he was touching himself. He asked me if I'd prefer it, when he needed a release, if he did it in bed or went downstairs. I said either way it was a bit off. I don't mind him sorting himself out but if it's every night we don't have sex it gets a bit much.

He continued to do his thing. I was uncomfortable. I made to get up under the excuse that I thought I hadn't locked the front door. He said he had, held me close and continued.

I didn't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

AIBU for feeling like this?

I understand he has sexual urges and have no issue with him addressing this. But the whole thing...it just felt so wrong.

I don't want to come across as a prude, that's the last thing I am. It was just all a bit weird.

RentANDBills Sun 26-Feb-17 12:58:13

That is classified under the law as sexual abuse.

Whatthefudger Sun 26-Feb-17 12:59:10

It feels a bit ick to me. I wouldn't like it

RentANDBills Sun 26-Feb-17 13:00:06

Sorry, pressed send too early - I'd talk to him about it in the cold light of day and if he doesn't recognise what he is doing as very wrong, I'd seriously consider LTB.
You are worth more than this

WorraLiberty Sun 26-Feb-17 13:02:40

Oh god that's just fucking creepy.

I agree with Rent, you really need to speak to him in the cold light of day, and tell him this sort of behavior is absolutely not on.

Topuptheglass Sun 26-Feb-17 13:04:15

If it feels wrong to you & you don't like it then he needs to stop.

I definitely have no issue with dh sorting himself out in the shower/in bed when I'm not there/whatever but I definitely don't need to know about it, never mind don't need to be in the same bed as him.

I'd have knocked him out.

ChristmasEvePJs Sun 26-Feb-17 13:04:52

Your gut is telling you this is wrong, listen to it.
If DH acted this way my libido would decrease, not increase.

Topuptheglass Sun 26-Feb-17 13:04:54

I don't condone violence, I apologise for my last comment

RebootYourEngine Sun 26-Feb-17 13:05:53

It is a bit weird that he had a wank while you cuddled but YABU not allowing him to have a wank when he is feeling horny.

When was the last time you has sex? When two people in a relationship have different sex drives it can put a strain on the relationship.

GerardNoWay Sun 26-Feb-17 13:06:40

I'm usually pretty firm on this kind of thing.

He has wanked in bed with me there in the past but it's never felt like this before. Almost sinister?

It really has started to catch me off guard and I'm not sure how to process it. All I knew is I didn't want to be there and it was patently obvious that I didn't.

GerardNoWay Sun 26-Feb-17 13:07:53

Reboot, I don't think I said I had an issue with him having a wank. It's just when/where/how.

We have had sex three times this week, I don't think that is a huge mismatch

Bahh Sun 26-Feb-17 13:10:18

Doesn't seem strange that he would do it every night you don't have sex, if that's his wind down routine then have at it I say.

HOWEVER. It seems incredibly creepy and disrespectful to do it in bed next to you while you're awake without your consent. That's sexual behaviour you're being subjected to that you don't want. And he kept you near him when you made to leave? I would have told him to fuck off.

If you can get into it and enjoy it too, fair enough. But if you don't you need to have a very clear discussion that you don't want it happening in bed while you're awake. That's perfectly reasonable. He can go to the bathroom or go downstairs or go to bed ahead of you or wait til you're asleep or whatever. No need to make you lie there feeling uncomfortable, that's actually really upsetting.

Whatthefudger Sun 26-Feb-17 13:10:54

3 times a week is amazing. not sure I've even had sex three times this year

caz323 Sun 26-Feb-17 13:13:42

No wonder you're uncomfortable - sounds creepy as hell. If that was my OH, he'd be kicked into touch AND in the knackers!

What slimey behaviour.

Fairenuff Sun 26-Feb-17 13:38:03

He asked me if I'd prefer it, when he needed a release, if he did it in bed or went downstairs. I said either way it was a bit off.

You can't tell him not to do it but you can insist he does it privately and doesn't tell you about it.

BadKnee Sun 26-Feb-17 13:48:37

I would also feel very uncomfortable with that. If he wants a wank I would prefer he did it in the bathroom or when alone. To force you to participate is horrible.

(Not prudish - and willing participation in masturbation is fine - has worked for me especially post baby when I was sore - but I enjoyed it and enjoyed his pleasure. What you describe is horrible - not the same at all)

I am usually one of the last people to use the word abuse - but this seems to me to be exactly that.

Discuss it with him. Make your position clear. You deserve better.

Trifleorbust Sun 26-Feb-17 13:49:43

Totally gross and sinister.

KoalaDownUnder Sun 26-Feb-17 13:53:46

He's coercing you into being a participant. A passive one, but still 'there'.

It's really not on.

GerardNoWay Sun 26-Feb-17 14:11:19

I'm going to speak to him tonight.

I'm just struggling to see how he would have been so oblivious to how uncomfortable I was.

BadKnee Sun 26-Feb-17 15:10:39

Good luck OP - not a conversation to look forward to. Sometimes people just get it wrong and if he is otherwise a good man and he apologises and you can find a way forward then I hope it works out for you.

Topuptheglass Sun 26-Feb-17 18:28:40

Hope it goes ok.

It just seems so disrespectful.

sofiainwonderland Sun 26-Feb-17 20:09:09

As someone said above, this is sexual abuse.

Besides that I'd find this very disrespectful and odd. Please have a chat.

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