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to ask if there's one person you can't seem to quit?

(23 Posts)
AteRiri Sun 26-Feb-17 11:38:18

Like an ex?

How do you get over someone you loved for a long time?

BlahBlahBlahEtc Sun 26-Feb-17 11:44:35

There's someone I had a friendship / thing with from when I was 16, we had a bit of a tempestuous friendship and we never technically got together but I always loved him.
Found out when I was 28 that he always loved me aswell. Trouble is by then I had a dd and was engaged.
I chose my relationship and didn't have much choice but to cut him from my life completely.
I dont regret that but I am sad about it. Part of me will always love him but what I have now is much more of a healthy relationship and I love my life with my partner and daughter.
I guess you never really get over some one you truly love, you just find a special place to keep the love you feel and move on.

SelfObsessionHoney Sun 26-Feb-17 11:53:15

Yep. I'll always love him in a way, and always be drawn to him, as he is to me. But we've never got the timing right, one of us would be in a relationship when the other was single etc. We also didn't want to screw up what is a good friendship.
I'll always be a little sad that we never got the chance to really give things a go, I'm with someone and pregnant, unsure as to if this relationship will work out mind you, but my priorities and responsibilities have shifted to this unborn child so that's that really.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Sun 26-Feb-17 12:01:57

I used to. Took me maybe 17 years to wake up and come to my senses. No idea why I was so obsessed with him. He treated me like shit all the way through my teens and twenties, didn't tell me when he got married and still popped in for a shag a year later (because I'm a fool and wanted the attention). I only found out about the wife a few months after that, through friends.

It took me far too long, but finally I'm free of him.

FreeNiki Sun 26-Feb-17 12:05:23

I cant get over someone who ended it 4 years ago. He cheated. Has married her and they have a kid.

What did she have that I don't.

abbsisspartacus Sun 26-Feb-17 12:09:23

Yes he is a tit but I like him I feel safe with him but he is not willing to risk our friendship for something that might not work we have messed around a lot but not gone all the way it makes me sad I'm going to have to lose him as a friend to get over him

StrawberryShortcake32 Sun 26-Feb-17 12:09:25

My experience was with a friend. Best friends since school.

She was so fun to be around. We always just clicked together.

She was a compulsive thief and liar which I didn't discover untill she started doing it to me. I'm very trusting and a bit of a pushover and gave her chance after chance. Offered to help her look fir a new job when she git fired for stealing, offered to her her psychological help when she kept doing it Helped her when her mum kicked her out when she kept stealing from her. Then she stole from my family after they had agreed to take her in.

That's when I broke contact. Haven't seen or spoken in 10 years. Sometimes I miss her and the fun we had together. Sadly I can't trust her to change her ways.

LoupGarou Sun 26-Feb-17 12:15:18

I didn't, I'm still best friends with my ex and he's a huge part of my life. DH is also good friends with him. We were engaged, it didn't end badly and he was never anything other than an amazing partner. We were together for a long time too, and when I broke up with him we were fwb until I started dating DH.

AteRiri Sun 26-Feb-17 20:42:59

What did she have that I don't.

A question I can't help but ask myself all the time.

I'm objectively a lot prettier. We're both intelligent. I don't know her but she seems to be a nice person. I am a nice person too.

tinglyfing Sun 26-Feb-17 20:47:46

Yes. He's always been in my life.
He's incredibly bad for my mindset.
I have to MAKE myself get over him and not believe his lies. It's very very hard.
It's only my sheer determination to not let him ruin my life that keeps me going.

oregon1985 Sun 26-Feb-17 21:35:06

My current on/off partner. We've broken up several times, he's cheated on me (a long time ago) and lied to me but I can't let him go.
It's awful. And I hate it but I can't let go.

FreeNiki Sun 26-Feb-17 21:35:28

I'm objectively a lot prettier. We're both intelligent. I don't know her but she seems to be a nice person. I am a nice person too.

My ex was quite picky with me about looks and my clothes and age. But she is older than me and him and dowdy and frumpy with her dress sense. After how picky he was with me?!

She isn't smarter than me as I am in a learned profession and she has had a mish mash of jobs not involving any real responsibility or had any career progression.

The more I think about it though, my ex frequently held himself out to be something he wasn't. Acted as if he knew everything even in my profession he trod on my toes and offered handy tips when he was utterly wrong. It made me think he actually needed someone who was less smart than him so he didnt feel threatened.

As for her: without wanting to go into any detail, lets just say she knew about me. They were friends apparently. She knowingly went after him when she knew he had a gf. Not so nice a person.

Givemeallthechocolate Sun 26-Feb-17 22:23:34

He was my first love, the only man who ever came into my life and never expected anything of me.
He and I just didn't work, it was like a magnet pulled us together, but then we would repel, and that's the way it happened for years.
We planned to get married, I had his name tattooed on me. I had a miscarriage, he cheated and got someone else pregnant, I fell pregnant, I pushed him away and I ended up miscarrying again.

We were both fucked up. We both destroyed it when it was going well, but we did love each other so much.

For six years we spoke daily after we split up. I dreamt of him, I thought of him daily. I think it was the same for him.

I got married, a year later we were both going to leave our relationships and be together. By chance, he and I were in the same place as each other. I was with my husband and he was with his girlfriend.
We ignored each other. I blocked him on whatsapp. I moved away and deleted his phone number.

I haven't given up fully, because I still check my emails every day half hoping that he misses me and he's sent me messages.

Seven years on and I am still quite confused and it still hurts to be without him.

I loved the very bones of him, I think he felt something similar for me.

AteRiri Sun 19-Mar-17 11:59:15

bumping up because it's been a bad day

LaGattaNera Sun 19-Mar-17 12:05:55

in my experience, sometimes men move on as they want someone more compliant. Most men like women with opinions and personalities (as well as looks) but some don't and they dump great women as they want to call the shots and find someone new who lets them.

LostQueen Sun 19-Mar-17 12:08:42

I had this. it was awful and messed me up for about a year and I'd known him for about 2 years in total. It's horribly cliche but as soon as I let go, I met my lovely DP. You will get through it, it just takes time.

GrimDamnFanjo Sun 19-Mar-17 12:16:20

I was obsessed with someone for almost 10 years. I truly thought they were the one and we would end up together. Eventually we ended up briefly in a fwb situation. Then something tragic happened, and his response to it changed my mind almost straight away. It was almost immediate.
He's now in the public eye so it's a bit strange seeing him on tv etc, but I'm so glad I managed to see sense, had we ended up together I think he would have made me very unhappy.

toastedpeanuts Sun 19-Mar-17 12:20:38

I'm still friends with an ex I split up with ten years ago. He said he wanted to get back together after 8 years and both of us married when we happened to meet up. I said that's not what I want. He's now going through a divorce and with someone new and I speak to him weekly.
I had another bf who I loved so so much and said he loved me after three years of on and off separation then getting back together I cut him out. I desperately wanted to hear from him but I think he was waiting for me to do it looking back. Makes me feel sick when I think of it now. I don't think we could have worked because he always wanted something better in all aspects of his life and I think I came under that too. I couldn't stop loving him, he kept saying he loved me and wanted to be with me and then the next day would go cold and say actually he doesn't want me anymore and would still meet up with me. I helped him through times of debt and dropped everything for him all the time and he'd just let me down every time. One day I just woke up and smelt the roses and thought, he's really going to let me down soon and probably run off with someone else while using me in between so I gotta take the pain and run now before it's even more unbearable. It was very painful and stop is. We can't always choose these outcomes though.

Wando1986 Sun 19-Mar-17 12:24:53

"How do you get over someone you loved for a long time?"

Sometimes you don't, you just learn to live with it.

When it's someone you love with your entire being, you both feel like you've had you chest ripped open and spread on the floor, but can't do anything about it... you just don't. It's always there. You think it's gone, then they just appear somewhere and you're both back to square one for a while. It would be easier if they or you were dead.

AteRiri Sun 19-Mar-17 19:28:38

Maybe it's the case of the more toxic (hence more intoxicating), the harder it is to get over?

heartbroken40 Sun 19-Mar-17 20:18:15

Me, I have this unrequited love for someone whom I met at school when I was 17. He is a real obsession, we got in touch again but it ended badly.

I think I will simply love him forever and maybe if there is an afterlife we will be together. If not, he will be my dream until the last day.

He understands me just like no one else does, I can read his mind. We are meant to be together (in my mind) but not in his. Well, what can we do? It is better to have loved and lost than never have loved.

AteRiri Wed 22-Mar-17 08:40:26

You think it's gone, then they just appear somewhere and you're both back to square one for a while. It would be easier if they or you were dead.

This is so true.

sproutsmum Wed 22-Mar-17 10:09:43

I still think about him all the time, but it was painful, really painful, it should have been easy, a text or phonecall was all it would have taken ( it's probably still all it would take).
But...
he wasn't a nice person , because he CHOSE not to be.
As much as it hurts to keep away , I will not go back there.
If he really wanted to be with me , he would be.
So, I'm filling my life with all the stuff I enjoy , that makes me happy and surrounding myself with people who are Good people.
The way I feel for him will run its course in time ( could take days or years ), it may never go away BUT in the meantime I'm having great experiences on a daily basis and not wasting time pining for something that's not real.
Some days are really bad and I have a good wallow in self pity but they are becoming less frequent. I guess it will be what it is.
What he is thinking is really none of my business and whatever his opinion of me , it doesn't affect my worth as a person.

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