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AIBU?

To put my 4 yr old back into nappies?

86 replies

GettingScaredNow · 26/02/2017 09:31

Potty trained at just over 2. Fine. Easy enough. Until recently.
She refuses to go to the toilet. Until it's too late.
I can see her doing the 'I need a wee' dance and I'll ask her but it just ends in her screaming at me and flatly refusing to go. Which then results in a wee accident.
We've had 4 this week. 2 involved me having to wash and sterilise all of ds's megabloks.

So I've had enough. After a 45 minute stand off over doing a wee this morning I can't take it anymore.
I'm going to buy pull ups today.
I ran this idea past my friend who said she was worried it could make matters worse and drove a gap between me and dd.
Dd is struggling with the break up of my marriage. Her father is abusive and she witnessed more then I realised.
She takes all her anger out on me.

So Aibu?

OP posts:

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TeaBelle · 26/02/2017 09:32

I'd stop asking her and take her to the toilet every 30 minutes

Somehowsomewhere · 26/02/2017 09:32

Would she wear them? My 3 year old would just take them off.

esiotrot2015 · 26/02/2017 09:33

I wouldn't if at all possible
Have you done the reward charts etc ?
I know she's stressed after an awful situation but does she want to go back to them ? If she does then I might consider it but if she doesn't then definitely don't

esiotrot2015 · 26/02/2017 09:33

I wouldn't be sterilising toys either just wash with hot soapy water

Afreshstartplease · 26/02/2017 09:34

I wouldn't TBH

Surely she is starting school soon

I think you need to address her emotional distress as priority

Sweets101 · 26/02/2017 09:34

I don't think it sounds like the best way of dealing with it, given the back ground.
Personally i'd want to put a lot of effort in to keeping calm and trying to be supportive of her to rebuild our raletionship.
I know it isn't easy when you've come out of an abusive relationship though

Sweets101 · 26/02/2017 09:35

Have you tried offering to go with her? Or sit on the stairs outside?

GettingScaredNow · 26/02/2017 09:37

She is at school. I wouldn't make her wear them to school.

I have done the trips back and forth to the toilet. But I also have a 2 year old and am on my own here. I can't physically force her to sit on the toilet so we just end up with her in the bathroom screaming her head off for over an hour.

OP posts:

rachyconks · 26/02/2017 09:37

4 accidents is not that bad in the grand scheme of things. It is a phase, my DS recently went through it. Lasted about two weeks until he realised having wet/dirty pants is not fun. Don't go back to nappies. It will send the wrong message. Positive encouragement or reward chart when she does make it to the loo. It worked really well for us.

Good luck

GettingScaredNow · 26/02/2017 09:39

It's been about 3 months now. And she appears smug each time.

Reward charts don't work on dd. She completed the chart and then immediately reverts until a new chart is produced.

OP posts:

needalittleL · 26/02/2017 09:39

No I wouldn't as she will be at school in september and it will be a big issue then.

Don't mention the word 'toilet' 'wee' etc just go to the toilet every 30 mins or so. Don't ask her if she wants to try (she will say no).

Have you tried chocolate button rewards? One for a wee two for a poo etc if she manages to get to the toilet? X

Afreshstartplease · 26/02/2017 09:39

Is she having accidents at school?

I think I'd try to ignore it. Not make a big deal. Obviously clean it up but not get into a situation where she felt told off.

Four in a week isn't awful TBH I know you have a lot on your plate but she's very confused

HarryTheHippo · 26/02/2017 09:42

I don't know enough about potty training bit I'd say given he circumstances I'd go the other way. Id ignore the accidents and just clean up - see them emotionally neutral, just a job to do without getting cross or reacting. And then have a few weeks wher eyou focus on doing fun things with her, extra story at bed, time she can connect with you and feel safe again. Hopefully the accidents will sort themself.

Also if she's at school there might be a pastoral support worker you could talk to and she might get a bit of emotional support in school too. You needn't go into details.

Hope you are okay. It must have been a huge thing leaving an abusive marriage. Hope you are getting some support.

Leggit · 26/02/2017 09:43

I wouldn't. She will likely just start to rely on using them all the time and you will have a bigger challenge on your hands.

angeldelightedme · 26/02/2017 09:44

Have you checked she doesn't have a uti or any soreness 'down there' Or had painful stools whoch moght nake ger fear sitting on the loo. My dad had feacal impaction at that age and it made bladder control didficult

Princecharlesfirstwife · 26/02/2017 09:50

When Ds used to do the wee dance and emphatically deny he needed a wee I used to use his deeply competitive nature and say (along the lines of) 'I bet you cant get to the loo, do a wee and be back down here by the time I count to 30'. I realise there are possibly deeper issues here but it worked rather than become the battle of me saying 'you do' and him saying 'I dont' until the wee was literally dribbling down his leg.

donkir · 26/02/2017 09:51

I wouldn't put her back in nappies as this will make things worse. When she has an accident get her to help with the clearing up by moping up the mess and putting her clothes in the washer. Don't make a huge fuss over it.
I think the issue goes a bit deeper and I'd be speaking to the school/Heath visitor team to see if there's some kind of therapy to help your dd cope with your marriage breakdown.

GettingScaredNow · 26/02/2017 09:57

Timers don't work.
She just insists me doesn't have to go.
Says she doesn't care about winning.

OP posts:

JonesyAndTheSalad · 26/02/2017 09:59

Is she dry at school? Have you seen the GP?

Hedgeh0g · 26/02/2017 10:03

You sound stressed by this, and understandably so, given what else is going on. You say she looks smug when it happens. I wonder if she is doing it to get a reaction from you? She must be very scared at the moment by what is happening, and possibly very angry, and this sounds like it might be her way of telling / showing you that. I wouldn't put her back in pull ups although I understand you wanting to, as I think it could leave her feeling even more unsettled and angry as (to her) the root issue is not addressed and now she's being treated like a baby too. Have you tried not reacting much at all when it happens? Something along the lines of 'oh dear you've had an accident, now you'll have to stop playing so we can go and change you'. With a neutral/ factual tone of voice. Negative consequences but not punishment if you see what I mean. So, if you're out playing, go home to get changed/washed (even if not necessary). Not as punishment, just natural consequence. Get her involved in sorting herself out afterwards. Can you contact a health visitor for advice? I'm sure they've seen this situation before. Good luck, and I hope it resolves itself soon, it sounds like you've already got a lot on your plate.

Olympiathequeen · 26/02/2017 10:14

Get some pretty pull ups and don't make a fuss about them. For purely practical reasons and because this isn't really something either of you need to be stressing over.

I'm sure you are doing your best to reassure her and get the family back on an even keel.

RoganJosh · 26/02/2017 10:17

It can be a developmental stage linked to them getting more involved in what they're doing. They don't want to break off from what they're doing. I don't think four accidents in a week is a massive amount so would just try and ignore it for now? That way you're avoiding the argument.

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GoodJobSweetie · 26/02/2017 10:23

No I wouldn't put her back in nappies, she is refusing to go to the toilet, she is fully aware when she needs to go, she's 4 this shouldn't be happening.

If I were in your position, every time she wet herself I would leave her in the wet clothes, I'm pretty sure that would stop her from wetting.

TeenAndTween · 26/02/2017 10:30

Other suggestions

make her do the cleaning up (with you to help)
say oh dear we had to spend so much time cleaning up we now don't have time for
say you can go out to because she might wet herself so you have to stay home / do something less fun

pyjamaarama1 · 26/02/2017 10:35

I wouldn't go back to nappies, it might make her feel like she has won if she can just pee in them and carry on as normal. She needs to learn he toilet is normal, not weeing in pants at this age.

Could it be an attention thing? Jealous of sibling seemingly getting more attention due to needing more 1-1 care?

I would try and not give it any attention. Ignore her screaming and bad attitude.

Ask her if the needs to go, take her to the potty or loo every hour. If she refuses to wee, or screams, knickers back up, send her on her way.

If she wets, remove knickers, dry ones on, send her on her way.

Try not to give it any attention whatsoever, unless she does use the potty or loo, tons of praise.

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