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To hate that DD blames me/talks badly about me in her sessions?

(88 Posts)
triplescience Sun 26-Feb-17 09:06:25

Hi...

DD is 17 and is currently at an outpatient eating disorder program.

We have to have family therapy.

DD blames me. She was always obese - she had ankle problems and other weight related health issues. Her GP told her she needed to lose weight from about 13. I then did my best to follow what the doctor had said. I never called her fat or anything along those lines, just tried to follow the GP's advice. Yes I may have fucked up a couple of times. Allowing her sister to get more food than her, etc. but that's as far is it went.

Is she just looking to blame anyone? I hate that her team are probably judging me whenever we go for family therapy!

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Sun 26-Feb-17 09:12:31

I'm finding it hard to find the words I want to say here. But this isn't about you. It's about your daughter. She needs your support now more than ever.

Maybe you need some counselling yourself? That may help you work through your apparent resentment.

MrsChopper Sun 26-Feb-17 09:13:08

I am sorry but your DD needs to be able to openly discuss how she feels. The team won't be judging you. As she gets to the bottom of her issues and works through her feelings you might find that the blame shifts and she is able to see the full picture. Hang in there!

pinkdelight Sun 26-Feb-17 09:14:51

"She was always obese"

Sorry am not quite clear, is this a fact or is this what she's saying as evidence against you? I'm also not sure what the bit about you giving her sister more relates to. Was that a later thing where you were trying to manage her intake? It sounds like a complicated situation and I can only imagine there'll be a lot of blame and guilt and hurt to get through so I feel for you. I guess the important thing is to try to stay focused on the outcome - helping her with her disorder - not on whether you're being judged. Easier said than done no doubt.

illegitimateMortificadospawn Sun 26-Feb-17 09:15:22

In short: this process is not about you.

NormaSmuff Sun 26-Feb-17 09:20:38

it is understandable that you feel guilty. you Will feel guilty. you are her provider and nurturer

HakeLively Sun 26-Feb-17 09:20:53

My mum refused to even go to family therapy offered by my eating disorder unit, saying she refused to sit there while I threw accusations at her and made it out to be all her fault. I thought she was bloody selfish at the time for that and I still think it now.

Try not to make it about you. there may well be some blame coming your way, but don't ignore it while there's support there to help you all work through it.

NormaSmuff Sun 26-Feb-17 09:21:38

you hate that her team are blaming and judging you?
they have seen it all before. They are, or at least should be, well experienced in all sorts of family situations.

Auspiciouspanda Sun 26-Feb-17 09:23:31

Well if she's always been obese surely you had a hand in it?

I was an obese child, my mum owned up to it as a teen mum who didn't really know any better.

BarbarianMum Sun 26-Feb-17 09:24:38

Children don't just become obese though. It sounds like your dd has had lifelong issues with food and you are a part of that. She needs to be able to talk these through honestly, the issue here is her health not sparing your feelings.

triplescience Sun 26-Feb-17 09:24:48

That's a fact, she was always obese. That's why I did my best to change the whole family's eating habits.

No, you are all right. I am probably being really stupid and sound a bit selfish. Sorry. I did only do all the restricting out of kindness though.

Avioleta Sun 26-Feb-17 09:25:35

In the nicest possible way, it's not about you.

I'm sure you did your best at the time. Your DDs team will know that. However, you need to accept that despite your good intentions, your actions may have had a detrimental affect on your DDs mental health. It's not a case of 'blame' more of getting to the bottom of her issues so she has the best chance of getting well.

You are and adult and she is a young person who is clearly struggling. She needs you to be her parent and engage in this process.

esiotrot2015 Sun 26-Feb-17 09:26:54

This sounds such a hard situation for you op and it must be incredibly painful to have your parenting raked over the coals in front of others in this way

Honestly don't worry they will have heard it all before

Good luck you're doing a great job just getting your dd to therapy

triplescience Sun 26-Feb-17 09:27:13

She isn't blaming me for being obese. She blames her sister for that (6 years older) who used to make her eat something so she could eat it and not only get the blame. However, she obviously had to put it in her mouth, but I do see where she is coming from.

She blames me for becoming anorexic. She says me trying to help her lose weight did that, but why do GPs dish out advice then?? If it's just going to make children anorexic.

Her counselling is for her, but if it's affecting you (as I imagine the eating disorder would too) then it would be perfectly appropriate for you to arrange counselling too. It sounds like it may help. flowers

lougle Sun 26-Feb-17 09:28:44

It must be hard to see your DD struggling with eating issues. It must be even harder to hear that she feels that you are responsible for some of her difficulties. But it's surely a good thing that she feels able to say it in front of you? It shows a level of trust, that she can be open enough to say the truth and not fear your response? That suggests to me that you have built a good relationship with her over the years. I'm sure that's what the therapists will be noticing. Try not to be upset with her. Try to understand that children don't always see our intentions clearly. They see things differently to us.

Ponderingprivately Sun 26-Feb-17 09:30:10

Children do not become obese without some parental input in the food that is available to them. It is hard if you feel she's blaming you but parents are involved in their children's food choices so you can see why she might view you as part of the problem.
It doesn't really sound like you dealt with her weight issues in the best way although I appreciate that wouldn't have been intentional.
It's not about you, it's about her recovery and she needs to be able to discuss it with professionals in the way that she wants to. Stop worrying about what people think of you it's not relevant In this circumstance

NormaSmuff Sun 26-Feb-17 09:34:38

use the sessions positively. the family can get things off their chest which will be better in the long run.

NormaSmuff Sun 26-Feb-17 09:35:57

Ask the professionals about the anorexia op.

TheFirstMrsDV Sun 26-Feb-17 09:36:05

I hope you don't get too much of a flaming.
Being the parent of a child with an ED is complex and difficult.
Of course those with the ED should be allowed to express their feelings and voice even the most difficult of opinions.

But their loved ones should be afforded the same opportunities.

I spent decades blaming my mother for everything. Every.single. thing.

I am nearly 50 now and its SO hard to shift that belief. Its not true though. I can't let her off the hook completely but there is no way she is the only reason why my life has been difficult.

There is a lot of conflicting advice re EDs before you finally get to the specialists. Its no wonder that parents get it wrong.

Hesdeadjim Sun 26-Feb-17 09:36:10

With kindness, listen to your daughter.

I'm obese and always have been. My lovely DM put me on slim fast when I was 7. I gained a stone a year since then until I was 18 and in control of my own diet.

Other things she did: told me to only eat 1 meal of salad and chicken a day: I was 10. I was so hungry all day that the dinner ladies used to take pity on me and let me eat for free. Banned me from eating anything outside the home, so no parties or sleepovers for years. Put locks on the sweet cupboard but allowed my sister to access it whenever she asked. Made my meals and made me eat seporately from everyone else. The list goes on.

I blame her for my horrendous relationship with food, but if i talk to her about it, she doesn't see the problem with anything she did when I was young. In her mind it was all completely normal and justified.

If your daughter is identifying patterns in your parenting which she feels have contributed to her issues around food, don't minimise that. Listen to what she's saying and accept you will have had a role to play in this. Getting defensive doesn't help her or you.

Gwenhwyfar Sun 26-Feb-17 09:37:35

"That's a fact, she was always obese."

She wasn't born obese was she?

NormaSmuff Sun 26-Feb-17 09:37:58

ThefirstMrsDV expresses it perfectly.

Andro Sun 26-Feb-17 09:38:59

Yanbu to hate it, you would have to be some kind of unfeeling jerk not to dislike your DD doing this.

Therapy is a process though, it's a fairly horrible process but still a process and things usually get better - after they've got worse first!

The family therapy part of treatment is at least partially about you, you are as entitled to your feelings as anyone and pretending they don't exist doesn't help anyone. Learning about and unpicking the past on both sides (honestly) paves the way for a healthier future.

ClopySow Sun 26-Feb-17 09:39:11

My son is currently seeing a counsellor. I have no doubt that i'll be getting a roasting because a) i fucked up sometimes and b) they fuck you up, your mam and dad.

Even with the best of intentions, your childrens perceptions of how you did things vs your reasons for doing them can vary wildly.

Some things you have to take on the chin. Others you can disagree with but accept that they perceive it differently. And some things, she'll have to accept are down to her, and hopefully counselling will help her do that.

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