AIBU to not want to spend every Sunday with DH's family

[Jenniferb21]

Hi thank you in advance for your thoughts. so a few facts:
-1 x DS 9 months old

• married 2 years. MIL is nice but FIL is v overbearing & has been extremely unfair to me in the past only since having DS whch DH confronted him about (basically FIL telling me who I should let feed DS and that I shouldn't have a problem with DH doing the gym 3 days and football 2 days in a week etc etc)
  
• my parents live 1.5 hours away we see them normally once a month
  
• I'm going back to work soon full time as my boss wouldn't let me go back part time. Planning on conceiving again in summer.
  

So DH has always wanted to spend every Sunday with his family. His parents, 2 siblings, aunty and her two children (6and 2). I find it quite stressful as it's a small house his aunts is loud and generally a nightmare to be around and her kids are extremely hyper and constantly shout/ run around etc and she shouts at them/ threatens to hit them etc most the day. It's a negative environment when she's there which is most Sundays.

But I'm going back to work soon and I feel like I would like to do things as our little family of 3. Given 1 Sunday a month we're meeting up with my parents but as his are close we can see them on a week night either they come to us for dinner or we go to them.

I have told DH since having DS it's a bit much to do every Sunday and I like having our own little family time. DH now does gym in the morning so only is out Monday night for football and Saturday 9-1 but I feel like due to DS's early bedtime a sat PM and Sunday is our only time together as our little family.

I don't know if I'm being mean/ unreasonable as I get that he wants to see his family and they want to see DS but I can't help but feel resentment about it being nearly every single Sunday. It feel so very monotonous and DH gets funny with me if I've organised to see our friends and their babies etc on a Sunday. Or we're rushing around like crazy doing both as he's desperate To go there.

Advice welcome on if I am being unreasonable and how to deal with this situation. Obviously I don't want to upset DH really.

X

[VimFuego101]

Once a month seems reasonable to me.

[Cherrysoup]

Once a month absolute max. It's time for you to make your own family traditions. He's being unfair to ask you/expect you to go so frequently.

[AYankinSpanx]

God no, YANBU. A million times no.

That kind of arrangement would drive me mad. Once a month sounds more than enough. Your DH can visit more if he wants instead of going to the gym.

[ClopySow]

Every sunday would do my head in.

[DaffodilTime]

He's being unreasonable but the difficulty seems in him not seeing this which is so much harder to work with!

I think your own family time needs to take priority and be a lovely positive thing, and include the ILs but not every single week.

The gym/ football would have bugged me too as that sounded so much time away .

I hope you can work something out

[BaymaxismyHero]

Every week???? No bloody way! I wouldn't want to see own parents that much let alone his.

[DaffodilTime]

Can you compromise by popping in for a cup of tea instead if near enough? It's so reasonable to say you need some quiet but still keen to see them after lunch, say

[Jenniferb21]

Thanks everyone really appreciate some views on this it's getting me down. I know when I go back to work I'll see DS for 2-3 hours a day in the week I'll want to have that precious time with him alone with DH.

To add most weeks one night a week PIL turn up with both DH's 2 sisters uninvited and give us about 10 minutes notice. So we end up seeing them twice most weeks

What I find 'funny' is they often say oh not seen DS in ages if we miss a Sunday and they'll 'pop' over for an entire evening another night. When my parents as they know only see DS once a month so I don't get why they have to say it's been ages it's like they're saying it to upset me.

[ChasedByBees]

With that and his hobbies you have hardly any time together so no, YANBU.

[Jenniferb21]

& yes if my parents lived closer (& they're my best friends btw) I wouldn't want to spend every Sunday at theirs but when we do see my parents we go out somewhere we don't sit inside and let my dad make everyone watch football and watch my auntys kids just run riot. But I wouldn't expect DH to want to see my parents that much either.

When I've said no before I've been tired or whatever he's said well he'lol go and take DS I let him once when I was unwell but the next time I said you're missing my point I want the day to be with my family not on my own so I know when I next say I don't want to go he'll try n take DS but when I'm back at work I'll not want to spend the day away from DS

I don't get why my DH even enjoys going.

[Brighteyes27]

YANBU no way you deserve a medal. Your DH seems selfish with all interests and on top of that his insistance for Sunday's at his families. I think once a month is adequate on a weekend and for no more than an hour if your just stuck in the house on top of each other. What fun is that for anyone. He's probably scared of offending his parents he needs to grow a pair and realise he needs to put you and DS first most weekends. Blimey when the weather warms up and DS starts talking you'll want to be out and about making your own memories not all resentful stuck in with his folks every Sunday.

[another20]

You need to prioritise your own family time - as Brighteyes says - make your own special memories.

I would get arranging healthy active days out to parks, seaside, zoos etc on Sundays for your child - do not hang about with these dull people.

Be crystal clear with your DH.

[5foot5]

Sounds like your DH has not really finished growing up yet. He still gets to have all the hobbies and pastimes he had as a single man and he gets to go home to Mum and Dad every Sunday.

Is there any chance of moving a bit further away so he has to cut the cord

[Valentine2]

This is ridiculous. He has hobbies and they pop over nearly every week. And yet you needn't to go their every Sunday? if it's a lovely environment where you feel 100% at home, I might get it. I might. But you don't like it and he knows it. You need to solve it before going to work or it will stress you out totally.

[PidgeyfinderGeneral]

Ye gods. Once a month would be more than enough for me.

Start your own Sunday family lunch tradition.

[SandyY2K]

YANBU.

It would drive me mad being in the noisy house and who on earth does your FIL think he is taking to you like that.

If my FIL did that he'd be lucky to see me once in 6 months.

My FIL once asked when I was having another DC and I nearly collapsed from the shock of it.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

It does sound like your DH doesn't actually want to spend time with you. Because it's not just the Sundays, it's football and so on. How much happy time does he spend willingly with you and DS?

[GreyStars]

I have no idea how to solve this, but it sounds awful for you I can actually feel your worry about spending time with your son when you go back to work.

I agree with others it does sound like your husband still has some growing up to do, but the fact he has reduced his hobby time gives some hope I think. Do you think he will actually listen if you lay it out for him very clearly and say it has to stop/reach a compromise?

I hope you get things sorted soon

[DonaldStott]

Nrtft, but I M in the same position. Unfortunately, mil lives round the corner. The way I posed it to dh was, okay, every sunday taken up by your mum. Imagine if I said, every Saturday, I want to go round to my mums.

I love my mum, but neither of us would want to do that. And neither would my mum.

He agreed.

[Brighteyes27]

MrsTerryPratchett and 5foot5 I hate to say it but agree and definitely wouldn't be having another until DH grows up and shares parenthood and family time with you and your DS. When younger an older colleagues daughter had a baby and her life changed beyond all recognition as it usually does yet her DH who worked shifts and when he wasn't working was out 4-5 or sometimes 6 nights a week with various hobbies and nights out for something or other plus cricket and golf or something at least one day on a weekend. Anyway in no time they divorced. I think he was too selfish and immature to be a husband take on fatherhood.
I think you need to have a chat and calmly tell him how you feel.

[nettyhetty]

If this is an environment that you're uncomfortable with (and it sounds really awkward from what I've read) then yanbu at all! Weekends are for families to do what they enjoy together, if it's a trial to be there, definitely you should not go and make it clear to dh why! In saying that, I find it sad that so many families are saying "once a month max". My dh and our family visit his every Saturday am and it's lovely, no pressure, people come and go as the plans/kids sports etc suit them, mil has tea coffee and treats on hand, cousins all play together, it's so lovely. Then most Sundays (not all if we have other weekend plans) we go to my parents for dinner or have my family for dinner. Again all very much enjoyed. I think it's sad that so many families' weekend time seems to be about avoiding family, we get so much from it with no pressure or obligation. Love Irish families!!

[nettyhetty]

If this is an environment that you're uncomfortable with (and it sounds really awkward from what I've read) then yanbu at all! Weekends are for families to do what they enjoy together, if it's a trial to be there, definitely you should not go and make it clear to dh why! In saying that, I find it sad that so many families are saying "once a month max". My dh and our family visit his every Saturday am and it's lovely, no pressure, people come and go as the plans/kids sports etc suit them, mil has tea coffee and treats on hand, cousins all play together, it's so lovely. Then most Sundays (not all if we have other weekend plans) we go to my parents for dinner or have my family for dinner. Again all very much enjoyed. I think it's sad that so many families' weekend time seems to be about avoiding family, we get so much from it with no pressure or obligation. Love Irish families!!

[hellsbells99]

My DH sees his DF at least a couple of times a week as he is very local. I normally pop in every week for a coffee. I go and see my DM one evening a week and she lives quite a distance away. My DM and siblings are as much my family as my DH and DCs, and my DH feels the same about his family.

[Touchmybum]

I could happily have spent every Sunday with my parents but not with the ILs! I would have lost the plot if I had had to see them every Sunday!! If your DH insists on going, tell him to take DS for no more than an hour, while you have a lie-in for example, and then you do family stuff or just relax.

Don't worry about upsetting your DH because he doesn't seem to mind upsetting you! You need to compromise on this before you bring another baby into the mix. If you see your parents once a month, it seems entirely reasonable to do the same with his - especially as they drop over during the week anyway!

[Jenny70]

Can you plan some things to do together that happen to fall on a sunday? So, plan a day trip and say we can miss lunch this week, as I really want to go here to see XYZ. Then few weeks later invite friends to you for sunday brunch and oh dear there's another sunday lunch missed.

Bit stealthy, but as your child gets older there are things you'll want to do together - zoos, parks, seaside - that can't be always put into a sat afternoon or around a (boring) sunday lunch.