AIBU to fall out with my family over a dress?(24 Posts)
The whole thing is just so stupid.
I live abroad with my partner and two children (in the UK). My father, stepmother (SM), stepbrother and my sister with husband and my niece live in my home country. My mother lives in the USA.
My father and SM visited us for Christmas. I asked them if they could take few gifts for my sister's family and a dress for my mum. My mum was visiting my home country in January. It was all agreed and they took everything.
They returned home and visited my sister. They gave her all gifts apart from the dress claiming they forgot about it. I asked if they could do it before my mum comes to visit. I also asked my sister if she could pick it up when she gets a chance.
My dad and my sister live about 10minutes drive from each other (out of city but in the same area).
A week before my mum was coming to see my sister, I found out that the dress is still at my father's house. My father&SM were going away for a week exactly when my mom was visiting.
I asked them then if they could drop the dress of and they declined saying that my sister should pick it up. I rand my sister and asked her to get the dress before they go away and she said she would do it if she has time.
When my mum came from USA the dress was still at my father's house and they went away.
My mum was very upset and we had a few arguments about it but what could I possibly do about it?
Anyway, my father and SM returned and last week they went for my nieces birthday party at my sisters house. I asked them the night before if they could please please take that dress because my sister is a cow and she won't do it.
They laughed a bit about it and didn't say anything. They didn't take that dress and it's still at my father's house.
My mum went mental and even texted my dad about how mean he was. She is not talking to my sister either, because my sister refused to pick the dress up.
AIBU to feel betrayed my my father and SM? I have such a good relationship with them, we go on holidays together and we never had any problems like this before.
I'm not really close with my sister, I ring her once every two months and when it's someone's birthday. I know she can be a right bitch and very very selfish, so in general I don't ever ask her for anything. She never even invites me to her house when I visit my home country (that happens once or twice a year).
I think they are all so childish and I don't understand why it's such a big problem to get that damn dress to my sister's house.
My mum has given up on that dress and I'm just sad, because she really wanted it. It's a designer dress and I paid £50 for it (not a lot for some but quite expensive for me). I was afraid to post it to the USA, because I had items missing before.
Now I don't know what to say to my dad and SM. I'm so disappointed and sad and I don't want to see them really. I was supposed to book tickets for summer and Christmas to visit them but I just can't at the moment.
I'm thinking about staying home for Christmas, because vision of all family together (my mum would come too) is too terrifying. I was thinking of shortening summer visit from two and half week to one week only (or less).
What should I do? Should I wait and maybe I will feel different? What should I say to my dad and SM?
I'm sorry for a long post but I'm so unhappy inside.
Their hbehaviour is really poor. Is this really about a dress? I think there is more going on here with your sister, DF and SM?
I think you send your DF and DSis an email and tell them that you are very disappointed with them and their thoughtless behaviour. Tell them plainly that all they had to do was not take the damn dress in the first place. That they chose to play silly buggers shows a singular lack of respect and you are in no way impressed.
Add something about how much they have hurt you... but let them know that they are not amusing, they are selfish, thoughtless and have opened your eyes to the way they see and think of you, i.e. very little!
The don't look to see how they respond. Leave them to it! Have a happy summer and Christmas without trying to accommodate them at all!
Have your father and stepmother done this sort of favour for your mother before?
Could there be any resentment by your father, stepmother and sister, about how you and your mother have left your home country? It sounds a bit like your father and sister are getting each other wound up, and they certainly have that (stsying in the home country) in common. Perhaps they want to "bring you down a peg or two" for some perceived fancy-schmancy expat lifestyle?
They all sound petty and childish. If they didn't want to help get the dress to your Mum they should have just left it with you instead of playing silly games.
It sounds like your dad and SM deliberately didn't take the dress. Is there animosity between them and your mum?
I would say to your dad and SM that as they have decided to keep the dress that they need to send you £50 to reimburse you; then use that money to buy your mum another gift. And perhaps trust a courier to take it. I think things going missing are rare, my MiL regularly sends clothes to her SIL in California and they always arrive there
Of course there's more to it. DF, SM, my sister and my BIL had a massive fall out few years ago. They had to live all together in DF's house and after that they didn't talk for months (or even years).
I managed to bring them all back together by talking a lot to SM about letting go for the sake of my niece, who was born that time.
I honestly thought they are past that but clearly they are not...
Do I turn away from DF and SM now? I can't get over it at the moment. Resentment is eating me up inside.
By the way my BIL and SM are brother and sister (I know it's weird). My SM is A LOT younger than DF but it never bothered me.
Fah. That dress is a hostage of their stupid family dynamic, but at least it's not a person.
Stepping well back from these drama-loving people, and concentrating on your mother (IF she's normal) sounds the way to go. You can tell her you're sorry her present got caught up in their nonsense, and she (again, being normal - I hope!) should forgive you.
DF and SM are well off and i really don't think they pay attention to what I buy for my mum, as they can afford £50 dress very easily.
DM on the other hand is quite poor, as she has no savings and can't manage money very well (long story).
DM and DF don't talk at all but when they meet (big family events) they are very polite to each other like strangers.
I would ask your DF to send you the dress (after all you paid for it!) and then inowild send it to your ur DM in the USA.
Then I would ignore. If your DF asks, then tell him you are sad that your DM didn't get the dress and also that you are sad to be have been held hostage between him your dsis.
And leave it at that.
If yu have a good nough relationhsip with your DF, don't loose that for a dress and a fight that has nothing to do with you (i.e. It's between your DF and your Dsis)
Do what OurBlanche says, or ask your dad to mail you the£50 so you can buy the dress again and post to USA.
That's actually a good idea with posting it back to me. I think to make them feel even more guilty I will offer to pay for postage too... maybe they will understand how petty it was.
Just putting it out there...Are your SM and DM the same dress size? Could SM have wanted the dress for herself, or have worn it so can't pass it on?
SM is size 10 and DM size 16/18, so I don't think that's the case 73kittycat73
I would tell DF how I felt if I were in your shoes. They are all being very juvenile. And for what? None of them are getting anything out of it other than hurting you.
I don't understand why bad dynamics between your sis BIL Dad and SM would result in no dress to your mum if they all get on ok with yr mum. But appreciate family dynamics are weird!
I see Mummy! Still, sorry to hear you going through a tough time. Relatives can be darlings can't they?! Hope you sort it soon.
By the sound of things everyone is feeding into the dress-drama. If nobody reacted then they'd have nobody to play their pathetic game of tit for tat point scoring nonsense.
It's all about control. The one that gives in first is the weaker person. It's between three parties really, it's a battle of the wills.
Personally, I wouldn't feed into anymore.
You say your DM wasn't/isn't good with money? Did your DF control the money whilst they were in a relationship? If so, he's the one instigating the drama and still trying to control your DM emotions from afar.
If it's only 10 mins away could your mum not just pick it up? She was there when you dad & SM got back? Not the original plan but she would get the dress & avoid the drama?
Her mum lives in the USA and was visiting DSis in their home country at the time! That and DM and her ex don't seem to be on speaking terms, so her going to his house and asking him, or new wife, for a dress was probably not going to occur to her.
When my DM was visiting my home country, DF&SM went away on holidays, there was not one day when she could pick it up, as DM left before DF&SM returned.
It escalated even more. My DF rang me today and told me that DM lost the plot. She rang DF&SM and told them all sorts. SM was outraged and asked me how DM could say nasty things like this to them.
I responded that unfortunately it's a typical behavior for DM when someone really upsets her but I am just her daughter and unable to control what's coming out of her mouth.
Last time I talked to DM on Tuesday and asked her not to ring DF or make things worse, I offered to buy her another dress but DM declined.
DM is not talking to my sister either...I just had enough.
At least I managed to say to DF that I feel hurt and disappointed, because I didn't expect them to be so petty and childish.
I'm proud of myself, as I'm no good during confrontations, I usually end up not saying anything.
They didn't promise me anything but I think DF is coming to his senses now...I'm going to cool down and see what happens next.
Thank you very much for your comments and advice, sometimes it's hard just to keep it all in.
Yeah, take a step back now. At least they are far away rather than you having to deal with their pettiness on a more frequent level x
OMG. Step away. Really don't get embroiled in these hopeless family battles.
Put it down to a life lesson. Never trust any family member to do a kindness for any other family member.
Only go on holidays with them if YOU want to, not because they are being generous or because you feel you should.
Stay in touch with DM, and the others if they choose but keep it very superficial. Do not get involved in this type of thing as you cannot fix it. You do not need this stress.
Playing tug of war with a child's loyalties like that is a sure sign that someone doesn't deserve those loyalties. Seriously, he's saying your mother was wrong to give him a piece of her mind after he and SM refused - for ages! - to send her something which he had agreed to take for her in the first place?
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