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To want my mum to understand that it's supposed to be a simple wedding?

(115 Posts)
TypicallyEnglishMustard Sat 25-Feb-17 18:09:14

Our wedding is five weeks today. DFiance and I have planned and are paying for it ourselves. It's supposed to be "simple" in terms of arrangements, not in size (I have a very big extended family), e.g. No photographer (I can't bear hanging around for photos, and I definitely don't want to at my own wedding!), no cash bar (we've just bought loads of wine and beer and stuff to give to our guests), bridesmaids can wear whatever dress they choose, so won't be matching (they are all grown women and very different in appearance, so I'd rather they have something they ALL feel good in. I am, of course, paying for them, though), wood-fired pizzas for the dinner, reception is in a converted barn, no "theme colours", I'm doing my own hair and make-up, we are just going in the family car to the church, etc.

Essentially, we just want it to be a relaxed and fun day, with minimal fuss and faff. The money has largely been spent on food, drink and a venue which will be comfortable for guests (the barn has accommodation for 24 guests included in the price, so the few people who are coming from further afield will have somewhere to stay for free).

But my mum keeps getting herself involved in the planning. For reference, this is not through being a deliberate PITA, or because she craves control, or anything like that. My mum and I are extremely close, and she is absolutely lovely. My whole family, in fact, are very close: we all live in the same village, most of us live on the same street, etc. But I think she has a very specific idea for what her daughter's wedding should be, and she keeps "offering" to "improve" on our plans, by trying to arrange things which are bigger, better and more expensive than what we have planned.

I recognise that these are first world problems, and I'm very lucky to have a mum who cares, but I'm absolutely fed up with trying to fight my corner with my own plans, and stopping her from ordering last-minute expensive wedding cars, photographers, make-up artists and so on. Even a hog roast had to be cancelled the other day! (We've already paid for 80 large pizzas, with sides, and canapés, and pasties for the evening! There are only 80 guests to eat it all without a whole pig, too!) Things like photographers and make-up artists in particular make me feel very uncomfortable, as I hate anybody fussing around me, which I assume is what that involves.

After meeting mum for a cup of tea this afternoon, I have come away feeling more drained than I did finishing a 60 hour work week last night. At this point, I'm not looking forward to it at all, and I just want the whole thing over with, which isn't like me, as I did always want a proper wedding, not an elopement or anything. I think mum thinks we can't afford the things she wants, so she wants to pay for it for us. But it isn't that at all, she knows we both earn good money, we just don't want to spend it on things we feel we don't need.

AIBU to just want to keep it to my own (relatively) simple plans, and how on earth do I tell her to just leave it alone without hurting her feelings? Sorry for writing such an essay, think I just needed to vent as well.

EssentialHummus Sat 25-Feb-17 18:12:29

Your plans sound lovely OP.

I'd just keep repeating, "Mum, no. We have everything under control and really like what we have planned- it suits me and DF perfectly. We don't want anything more, and your suggestions cause more stress than anything. If we need your help, we'll tell you."

ScarlettFreestone Sat 25-Feb-17 18:14:37

It sounds like she wants it to be perfect for you, which is lovely. It's just your versions of perfect are different.

Could you find something for her to do or to give you. Something you and your DF would like that would keep her busy?

My Mum, for example was given a job to do, told it was vital and that no one else could be trusted with it. It kept her happy, and busy and made her feel important (which she is of course!)

Distraction is key. Find something to distract her with.

AQuietMind Sat 25-Feb-17 18:16:04

Sounds lovely Op and I'm sure your Mum is only trying to help.

But 80 Pizza's for 80 guests? shock that is a LOT of pizza, plus Pasties.

Are you sure your guests all like pizza and pastie?

Hgmother Sat 25-Feb-17 18:16:06

You can have your wedding as you wish, I think it sounds like my type of wedding to be honest.
Your mum sounds excited to me, given your relationship that's probably a ridiculously obvious thing to say though! Personally I'd ride it out, doing what you're doing, given that yours and your mums relationship is so loving, I wouldn't want to upset her really. If it's that stressful though then a small tactful comment like... erm... mum I love you and really respect what you say but I have my heart set on this wedding this way blah blah.
Good luck to you and I hope you have the wedding you want beginning to end smile

cautiousoptimist1 Sat 25-Feb-17 18:16:24


Your wedding sounds perfect. Why not find something for your Mum to arrange that is inline with your plans. Give her something to do - I distracted my Mum with finding a reading and then asking her to book somewhere for manicures the day before.

namechange20050 Sat 25-Feb-17 18:16:36

Can you maybe agree that she pay for one thing? Wedding dress? She just wants to feel useful. Or give her her wedding favours to arrange?

londonmummy1966 Sat 25-Feb-17 18:16:50

Sounds a lovely wedding where everyone can let their hair down. Just stick to your guns. Would your OH be happy to back you up if you had her over for lunch and explained that whilst it is lovely of her to offer to pay for things she thinks you want but can't afford, you have your own vision of your wedding and are finding it upsetting that she doesn't seem to think it is "good enough". Often a good idea to try and turn the tables....

meganorks Sat 25-Feb-17 18:17:17

If she wants to pay for a photographer I would let he do that tbh. The pics will be so much better than what you get otherwise. There I different styles of photographer and some are more of a record of events and don't do the staged photos. Although to be fair if your mum were to pay for it that might be what she is after!

TyneTeas Sat 25-Feb-17 18:18:28

Well I yelled down the phone to mine in the middle of an open plan office of about 100 mortified/amused colleagues that if she didn't stop it we'd elope and she'd be lucky if she got to see any pictures...

But I imagine you are hoping for more helpful responses OP grin

Batteriesallgone Sat 25-Feb-17 18:18:30

Yeah you'll have to just tell her straight. You say she's not a control freak but it sounds like it.

Get used to saying no now. You'll need to when you have kids unless you're going to let her decide your parenting too.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 25-Feb-17 18:19:32

I want to go to your wedding. envy

Someone has to be the -zilla or -zillo. At least yours is nice (helpful).

NoArmaniNoPunani Sat 25-Feb-17 18:19:42

YANBU but it sounds as if your mum wants to contribute or help out in some way. Maybe you could let her get involved in decorating the barn or something like that so she feels she has a role.

FreeNiki Sat 25-Feb-17 18:19:47

Cant you let her give you something as a present?

You hate hanging around for photos but you may regret not having professional photos later on?

Batteriesallgone Sat 25-Feb-17 18:19:50

Oh and do get a photographer. A good one will be happy not to do staged photos and it is nice to have some pictures.

Domino20 Sat 25-Feb-17 18:20:58

I think your day sounds fantastic. Perhaps stress to your Mum that anything 'fussy' makes you uncomfortable and that you really want the day to be about relaxing with the people you love.

KeepCalm Sat 25-Feb-17 18:24:38

I fought against a photographer and finally caved 4 days before the wedding.

But I insisted there were no 'posed for' pics or hanging about.

Let her have that one thing if she lays off everything else.

All sounds lovely smile

arethereanyleftatall Sat 25-Feb-17 18:24:51

Yanbu at all. Your wedding sounds perfect.
Mine was similar and I remember when I told my bf I was planning to wear flats she said 'but it's your WEDDING' and i retorted 'exactly. It's MY wedding.'

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 25-Feb-17 18:26:26

I guess you talk to her as honestly as you can manage. Tell her you're grateful for her input, but you've organised things exactly the way you want them and trying to upgrade them makes you feel like she thinks your plans aren't good enough.

mygrandchildrenrock Sat 25-Feb-17 18:30:12

We didn't have a photographer and have never regretted it. We had loads of disposable cameras around and asked friends to take lots of photos. We collected some of the cameras in later in the night and some friends took them away to be developed. It was so lovely going to boots a few weeks later and getting all the prints back.
Your wedding sounds just perfect, just breathe and smile! smile

specialsubject Sat 25-Feb-17 18:30:12

She is presumably an adult, and so should be able to understand ' mum, I know you are trying to help but all the fuss and extras are not what I want and will muck up my day . please dont waste my time and your money booking stuff that I don't want. It is only a party, it isn't that hard and it is all done.'

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 25-Feb-17 18:30:29

I agree with others that your wedding sounds lovely, but I would consider an unobtrusive photographer with nothing posed/staged.

BackforGood Sat 25-Feb-17 18:31:23

I agree with Scarlett. Find her something she can contribute.
Also think a photographer would be a great investment - they can capture the day without naving lots of posed photos if you don't want them.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 25-Feb-17 18:33:31

I've been married twice. Had a photographer the first time and none the second. Never regretted it. I much prefer candid stuff guest did.

My friends spent 8K on theirs and now regret it while they divorce. Money was a factor.

specialsubject Sat 25-Feb-17 18:33:31

Prof photographers are not compulsory , you may not want the church door / over the shoulder to a new life / loving gazes and all that emetic stuff.

The best ones I've seen are either the informal ones or where the above have gone wrong and produced happy snaps rather than ghastly pouty poses.

Enjoy your day.

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