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Should we apologise to our neighbours?

(43 Posts)
isthishouseamidden Sat 25-Feb-17 14:44:25

DH and DS have been poorly this week. DH has horrid cough, DS has slept really badly. Both have had antibiotics from doctor. Last night DS (16m) woke up at least every half hour and on occasion was inconsolable. We have tried to do whatever we can. DH and I taking turns to sit up for hours with DS etc. DH sleeping In the attic room with door shut. I appreciate that this must have been bad for our neighbours too (semi-detached) and I feel bad.

However, around midnight last night our neighbour ( single man and his elderly mum) started shouting and swearing abuse about the noise through the wall. This would have been the time he got home from the pub and he is known for drinking heavily. We've heard his rants before but they have not been directed at us. (He has a hate, hate relationship with his wheels bin...)Up now we've had an ok relationship with them but not close. The lady is a recluse who we've not met although we have exchanged letters. The man has a very poor relationship with the neighbours on the other side. He is normally pleasant enough when we bump into him in the street but is hugely passive aggressive.

DH thinks we should put a note through the door saying sorry. ( we've done this before with a piece offering of cake, but only because we've felt guilty. Not because they have brought it up). With a young family we do make more noise than them.

I'm in two minds however, will it draw attention to the neighbours rant? Or condone his behaviour? Or is it best to apologise for disturbing him and hopefully he'll be more tolerant next time? The


AwkwardSquad Sat 25-Feb-17 14:53:05

No, don't apologise. People get ill and sometimes that involves noise. You weren't doing anything unreasonable or antisocial, and you were trying to keep the noise down. His behaviour, on the other hand, was aggressive and unneighbourly.

If you apologise, you're setting yourself up for always being in the wrong and feeling like you can't make any normal living noise. He would not become more reasonable, he'd become more demanding.

If I were you, I'd go a little bit the other what if you feel you can manage it - show disapproval of his drunken behaviour. Even if it's only by being less friendly to him in the street!

MamaHanji Sat 25-Feb-17 14:54:57

I would probably say something like

'Hi. Just wanted to say sorry for the noise lately as we have a very poorly house right now. I'm sure you understand that kids when ill are very upset and loud. Anyway, hopefully we didn't disturb you to much and we will be back to full health soon.'

But you don't actually need to apologise for anything because you haven't done anything you wrong. So no comment would also be fine!

MamaHanji Sat 25-Feb-17 14:56:11

It might also make him feel guilty about having a drunken tantrum over your noise when he is usually loud!

SabrinaTheTeenageBitch Sat 25-Feb-17 15:03:46

I would put a note through his door saying

'apologies for the noise but as im sure you can appreciate when small children are unwell they make a lot of noise, much like drunken twats they find it hard to verbalise their frustration without being a fucking annoyance to others. Pissheads and small children - similar behaviour, different excuse.

Now kindly fuck off and dont shout abuse through my wall again ta


You have much less to apologise for than he does

EmeraldScorn Sat 25-Feb-17 15:04:02

I would not apologise and I would not encourage you to apologise either.

People get sick, it's not being done intentionally to annoy the neighbours and babies wail like banshees sometimes, again this is something that occurs and is not something that you should feel the need to apologise for.

It sounds like you're living on eggshells in your own home, sleeping in the attic with the door closed is madness and you shouldn't be feeling the need to pacify anyone to that extent; Your child is young, things will change, your neighbours will have to suck it up.

KurriKurri Sat 25-Feb-17 15:04:17

No don't apologise - I live in a terrace next to a couple with a 2yr old (I am middle aged) I often hear and am sometimes woken by the little girl coughing, having a restless night etc - and of course if she picks something up at nursery, they all tend to get it - so they are all up in the night.
That's life - I wouldn't dream of hammering on the wall - hardly as if they are being ill on purpose !
Your neighbour sounds horrible.

OurBlanche Sat 25-Feb-17 15:07:43

No don't. As others have said, you will be setting yourself up for always being in the wrong.

And if he mentions it laugh, and ask him if he thinks sound only travels one way through the walls (when he is drunk and loud)!

isthishouseamidden Sat 25-Feb-17 15:10:12

Thank you all for the perspective.
emerald sleeping in our attic is no hardship... it's a loft coversion with a comfy double but it means that it is separate from the neighbours...

KnockMeDown Sat 25-Feb-17 15:10:37

I think Sabrina has it perfectly.

AwkwardSquad Sat 25-Feb-17 15:11:53

Ha, yes, I agree with OurBlanche about asking if he thinks sound only travels one way!

I live in a terrace with thin walls and there has to be some give and take. Taking the piss with loud music or barking dogs is not on. Coughing, babies crying or whatever? It's just life.

foodtime Sat 25-Feb-17 15:14:14

Of course you should.

You chose to have children not him.
He should not have to put up with late night noise because of your choice.

LouKout Sat 25-Feb-17 15:15:39

No you shouldnt.

He chose to shout abuse through the wall at children and be an aggressive prick.

No way does he deserve an apology.

OurBlanche Sat 25-Feb-17 15:16:33

Oh! Good joke, foodtime ha ha ha!

LouKout Sat 25-Feb-17 15:17:07

In fact you should tell the police if he directs abuse at your kids again.

Apologise because you have kids? What a lot of nonsense.

atheistmantis Sat 25-Feb-17 15:17:54

No way. Maybe if you got on well with your neighbours but that's the only time. His drunken, abusive rant means that he doesn't deserve an apology.

Ewock Sat 25-Feb-17 15:17:55

Hope you are all feeling better. At the start of your post I thought an apology would be a very nice thing to do, in similar situatiom we apologised to our neighbours (who are lovely) they told us not to be silly and just hoped ds was feeling better. But after reading what your neighbour did no way! What a nasty piece of work. Children get ill and get upset, it happens and its not as if you wanted it to happen. He needs to apologise for his abusive behaviour.

DartmoorDoughnut Sat 25-Feb-17 15:18:56

Definitely don't apologise, he probably won't remember in any case and as others have said you'll get him thinking he owns you/your noise level

foodtime Sat 25-Feb-17 15:20:10

What's the joke OurBlanche?

The world doesn't suddenly revolve around you once you have a child.

Ewock Sat 25-Feb-17 15:20:16

I meant an apology if you get on well with your neighbours. I would never apologise for having children but I uderstand that at times, like in your situation, things can get noisy. However I have lovely neighbours (very lucky) and they would apologise to us in smilar situation x

Lweji Sat 25-Feb-17 15:21:36

I'd be more likely to call the police if a neighbour started shouting abuse than to apologise to them.

Children cry and get ill.
Even adults can get nasty coughs (me).
Tough luck.

OurBlanche Sat 25-Feb-17 15:23:55

You chose to have children not him. Yes, ban all kids. Keep down the noise.

He should not have to put up with late night noise because of your choice. Because your logic leads to everyone living their lives in total silence, in case they sneeze and annoy someone.

Manners, compromise and plain old accommodating the world as it is rather than demanding it change to be as you want it!

BlisseyMon Sat 25-Feb-17 15:24:59

MamaHanji s note. Even if the neighbour isn't nice it's much, much easier and nicer for you to live next door to someone that you are not at war with.

isthishouseamidden Sat 25-Feb-17 15:25:36

When we apologised before they were nice about it and said not to worry. If I hadn't heard the rant I would probably apologised again. Just to keep things polite, but I agree that this time it might make him think his behaviour was acceptable.

EatTheChocolateTeapot Sat 25-Feb-17 15:27:19

You made noise/he shouted abuse, I would call it even and forget about it.
If he was a nice neighbour yes, but not in those circumstances.

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