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To be suspicious of my kids mum re: lodger?

(173 Posts)
YetAnotherUser Sat 25-Feb-17 13:22:54

Name changed as this will be horrifically identifying. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be quite long.

I have 2 kids with my ex, typically we share their care 50/50 but this is interspersed with periods where her provision for their safety has been sub-par, (having violent guys around them) and they've lived with me full time. I have a court order that gives me residence if I feel the need to enforce it.

After the latest loser abuser has finally left the scene we've recently recently gone back to shared care, but now she's told me she wants to take in a lodger to get around the bedroom tax (she has a 2 bed flat) and get a few quid. She's unemployed on JSA so the money would come in handy sure.

But, the lodger is a man and has a child... Her last abuser also moved in under the guise of being a lodger, so I'm quite suspicious of exactly what she's up to. As it's a 2 bed flat it also raises a question about where everyone will go when our kids are at hers, their Mum has her bed in the sitting room, I presume our kids will share, and the lodger and his kid will have the other room.

Gut feeling tells me she will end up sharing her bed with the lodger man, and that this is just a thinly disguised attempt to get him in through the back door and introduce him to the kids as a friend without the obviously beneficial period of figuring out if the lodger is nasty or not. She has plenty of form for introducing the kids to new boyfriends within a couple of days, including drug dealers and peados etc.

She also wants me to hand over the child benefit and tax credits as I work and she says she needs them more (latest abuser saddled her with a ton of debt).

Basically I know I can't stop her taking in the lodger if she so chooses, but WIBU to tell her that I think it's a bad idea and tell her I'm not supportive of it?

BillSykesDog Sat 25-Feb-17 13:24:55

This is probably going to end badly for you...

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork Sat 25-Feb-17 13:26:30

You have residency, keep it.

trappedinsuburbia Sat 25-Feb-17 13:27:13

Yes I would keep full custody for the moment.

FannyWisdom Sat 25-Feb-17 13:27:15

If you want to help why not pay the bedroom tax for her.
Reason being you want her to keep the room for DC.

fuzzywuzzy Sat 25-Feb-17 13:27:24

Given her history I don't think YABU.

I'd also not hand over any child benefits etc.

Do you think she will listen to you? I reckon you'll need to take dc back to yours and resume full time care of them and I'd keep it that way as she's clearly not able to make the best decisions for the children let alone herself.

YetAnotherUser Sat 25-Feb-17 13:28:15

I already hand over a portion of the benefits to her

fuzzywuzzy Sat 25-Feb-17 13:28:36

If she had dc does she still need to pay bedroom tax? That's really unfair.

DizzyFizzyLizzy Sat 25-Feb-17 13:29:42

Why can't she work?

pinkdelight Sat 25-Feb-17 13:31:46

Also don't understand the bedroom tax angle. She and the DC are enough to inhabit a two bed flat with no bedroom tax. All sounds bogus to me. Trust your gut, protect your DC.

YetAnotherUser Sat 25-Feb-17 13:34:13

fuzzywuzzy Officially they live with me, hence the court order etc... So her "empty" room attracts the bedroom tax. They've probably lived with me 2/3 of the time over the last 2 years.

DizzyFizzyLizzy No idea. Apparently she's looking for work...

MrsandMrsSmith Sat 25-Feb-17 13:36:33

To give OP the benefit of the doubt, if he has a residency order then she wouldn't qualify for a bedroom for the children.

Just take the children back. If she's living with someone it impacts on all kinds of benefits surely and is dodgy.

worridmum Sat 25-Feb-17 13:36:56

yes with 1 child and a parent you would not be under occupying a two bed flat so its a total lie tbh

Littlefrogletx Sat 25-Feb-17 13:38:04

I would have said 2 kids, 2 bed flat would not fall in to the bedroom tax category
How old are they and is it boy and girl.
I live in a 3 bed house, ds11 and dd8.
No bedroom tax

Trifleorbust Sat 25-Feb-17 13:38:47

Why do you let her have residency when you 'officially' have it? Why not just contact? Seems a bizarre arrangement to me and very chaotic for the children.

YetAnotherUser Sat 25-Feb-17 13:39:19

The kids don't live with her, they live with me.

She hasn't taken the lodger in yet, she's asking me what I think about it (as if my advice will have any bearing on what she does lol)

Littlefrogletx Sat 25-Feb-17 13:40:16

But if you have residency and you have proof of her bringing drug dealers and paedophiles in ti the house,
What's the issue????
Keep the kids

AnyFucker Sat 25-Feb-17 13:41:05

If all this is true, take back your kids full time

YetAnotherUser Sat 25-Feb-17 13:41:34

Because the kids love their Mum and want to spend lots of time with her! It would make things a lot simpler if they just had a manageable amount of contact with her, but they'd also be bloody miserable.

elodie2000 Sat 25-Feb-17 13:42:36

I have a court order that gives me residence if I feel the need to enforce it.
You get to choose when to enforce a court order OP? Really?
Either it's enforced by the court or not.

TimeforANewTwatName Sat 25-Feb-17 13:43:23

Keep them full time with you, I wouldn't trust her judgement of persons character to even share a home with her and dc, let alone boyfriend material.

elodie2000 Sat 25-Feb-17 13:44:45

I think your main problem here is that you have an order from the court saying the hildren are with you when, infact, you are allowing them to stay with her.

YetAnotherUser Sat 25-Feb-17 13:44:48

The Peado and dealer are historical, that's what got me the court order in the first place. She's been a lot better until the last guy turned nasty.

YetAnotherUser Sat 25-Feb-17 13:47:42


On the contrary, you're welcome to depart from the order if both parties agree to it. A certain degree of flexibility is expected, otherwise the courts would be overwhelmed with stupid issues.

The order has a proviso in it for more contact if children's services are happy with it, and my last word from them was that they were happy for me to manage the situation as I was doing a decent enough job.

MrsandMrsSmith Sat 25-Feb-17 13:48:55

In the majority of cases children are resident with the mother and have contact with the father. Why are people confused by this set up when it's the other way round?

OP I think you have to say to her overnight contact isn't appropriate if she brings a stranger into the house.

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