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Which of these scenarios is the fairest?

(134 Posts)
upthewolves Sat 25-Feb-17 12:03:38

Would love some opinions on this dilemma which has caused argument between myself and DH this evening.

Scenario is we live overseas, both sets of parents live in UK. One set live together in midlands, other set are divorced and live at opposite ends of country. We have one DC who is 1 and is very much loved by all grandparents but due to loving away has not spent much time with them at all.

Planning trip to UK later this year and discussion has arisen about which is fairer:

1. Time is split between 2 families. So one set of grandparents gets 2 weeks and the other gets 2 weeks. This means the second set actually only get 1 week out of the 4 we are home because they are not together.

2. Split the time evenly by 3. This means the 'together' parents only get 1/3 of the time through no fault of their own.

Before we had DC we would spend some time with our parents separately but now all they want is to spend time with DC so that doesn't work.

Which option is U?

potoftea Sat 25-Feb-17 12:07:51

I'd say half each family. Otherwise the together parents get less alone time with child. They have to share with their partner. Whereas separate grandparents each get a week of one on one time.
Obviously I know it's not as clearcut as that as you'll do other stuff while visiting, but that seems most fair to me.

Allthebestnamesareused Sat 25-Feb-17 12:09:06

I would split the time between 3 personally unless any of the grandparents would prefer a shorter time due to work/social commitments.

It is possible they may be dreading a long time of playing host.

9/9/9 plus a day travelling too I guess or 9/9/10 seems quite a long time to have guests anyway.

Trifleorbust Sat 25-Feb-17 12:09:07

Split by 2. The person with parents who are together shouldn't get less time with their family as a whole than the person with parents who have split.

LucklessMonster Sat 25-Feb-17 12:09:37

Your child isn't a timeshare to be divided up scrupulously fairly. Do whatever is more appealing to you, and if any of the grandparents complain, tell them to grow up.

TheStoic Sat 25-Feb-17 12:10:24

Third each.

Unless you want to punish them for being divorced.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sat 25-Feb-17 12:12:18

Third each.

OwlinaTree Sat 25-Feb-17 12:13:37

Are there friends that you might want to catch up with too? Maybe a longer time in the Midlands with the two GPS may allow a night out with friends or a few days with friends?

BlueFolly Sat 25-Feb-17 12:14:24

I would do a third each.

Mombie2016 Sat 25-Feb-17 12:15:01

Half each.

BlueFolly Sat 25-Feb-17 12:15:27

Actually, now I've read other people's answers grin this...

Your child isn't a timeshare to be divided up scrupulously fairly. Do whatever is more appealing to you, and if any of the grandparents complain, tell them to grow up

khajiit13 Sat 25-Feb-17 12:16:29

Third each IMO

iPhoneAddiction Sat 25-Feb-17 12:17:01

I would have a week with each if it were me as that seems more fair.
Of course everyone has differing opinions and you need to try and work out between you what is the best way to do this.

Ultimately they will get to see their grandchild, so will hopefully be grateful. So they even need to know how long the other family is having with their grandchild?

Witchend Sat 25-Feb-17 12:17:04

I'd start off by saying don't let them know how long you're staying with the others.
I think if you start trying to make it absolutely fair you'll end up potentially with them counting days like children checking they've exactly the same number of sweets.

I'd work out a schedule depending on how it suits you and tell them: "We're coming up to you on Sunday because the M6 will be quieter on Sundays". "We want to go on Friday because we're dropping it to see his aunt and she can only make Fridays" etc.

As long as you make sure that you don't always end up being longer at one because they have tricked you into it, then it will probably end up being fair over all time.

iPhoneAddiction Sat 25-Feb-17 12:17:27

Do not so..

youarenotkiddingme Sat 25-Feb-17 12:18:23

I'd have a week with each sets (so 3 with parents) and a week alone somewhere doing something as a family at the end.

But that's because I'd want a holiday away from parents to recover!

FrancisCrawford Sat 25-Feb-17 12:22:07

Half each.

Four grandparents - so 25% of your time spent with each. It's not your fault two of the four live so far apart, nor should the other two be penalised for still being together.

upthewolves Sat 25-Feb-17 12:23:20

Thank you all for your thoughts, good points raised. I'm the one with the divorced parents. The other set are making a fuss and DH wants to do what causes least trouble which infuriates me. Their attitude is that it isn't their fault my parents are divorced... But it isn't mine either. Like the PP said above, DD isn't a timeshare and I just want to do what WE want to do. Having said that, I can see their point of view so was interested in the consensus. I also see that it is fair for DH to get half the time with his family. To be honest if that was his argument is have no issue, but his argument is that his parents will kick off!

TheStoic Sat 25-Feb-17 12:25:10

His parents kicking off is not a good enough reason to give in to them. They sound bloody awful.

AmysTiara Sat 25-Feb-17 12:27:05

Third each seems fairest

MrsandMrsSmith Sat 25-Feb-17 12:28:30

I'm surprised some people say half each. Why should you and your dc get less time with your parents because they are divorced?

You should done what works best for you as a family (the three of you).

MrsandMrsSmith Sat 25-Feb-17 12:28:57

*should do

GabsAlot Sat 25-Feb-17 12:30:46

but why shold divorced parents miss out because theyre not together anymore

i would say a third each is fair

honeyroar Sat 25-Feb-17 12:31:03

I think the fact that they're grumbling and pressuring your DH is enough of a reason NOT to spend half the time with them! They'd probably be over powering!

Trifleorbust Sat 25-Feb-17 12:31:44

MrsandMrsSmith: They wouldn't be getting less time with their parents. They would be getting the same time with their parents in total as their partner got with theirs. It would be really unfair to set a precedent whereby the total time available to spend with extended family always had to be given more to one family than the other because they got divorced.

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