emotional abuse?(15 Posts)
I have been with my partner (this time around) for approx 6 months (officially). We have previously married and divorced due to DV (him to me). This was years ago and we have been on/off ever since. It's a long old story and I will try to narrow it down. This last get together was a very strange start. There is no doubt that we love each other very much, very Romeo and Juliet which we know doesn't end well. Anyhow...he somehow convinced me that he was gay early last year. I was beside myself with pain. I felt that my whole 20 odd year old 'love affair' was a lie - what a fool I felt. Well - here's the crunch. He made it up! After a few months of meeting and chatting I decided that it was ok (I know) - if we could spend time together then I was happy with that. We talked openly for the first time in years and years. We had some really happy times, we were so happy, like bloody teenagers with not a worry in the world. As I've already mentioned we somehow got back together during this period and he admitted that he's made it up to get close to me and not make me feel threatened.
All was well (not 100% as I was still a bit confused), we had great times indeed and he convinced me that he was the man that I'd always wanted him be - soft, gentle, thoughtful - same as before but without the DV. He's got issues with MH which I've supported him through over the years. This has been a huge problem for me as well as him (anyone living with an extremely constantly depressed and occasionally suicidal person will know this). More recently he seems to be feeling better, not so much fear, worry, anxiety, smiling, taking things lightly, not over thinking/dwelling about this or that (minor issues that would not even enter the head of an individual with no MH problems).
We have a son with severe ADHD, OCD, PDS, on Autistic spec - to name but a few. He was living away with support until last Aug when he came home to live with me(for several reasons). (my partner and I do not live together).Our DS is a tricky chap to navigate to say the least and my home is literally an egg shell - and I walk on it daily. Very very stressful and sometimes dangerous due to his outburst. So there's a strain on the relationship. My DF has Alzheimer's Disease and my DM is in very poor health so I spend a lot of time assisting them, taking care of day to say stuff and also taking mum/dad out and about when I can. I also work FT. My partner is unemployed due to the MH issues. I have 2 (sort of!) grown up kids from a pre marriage - my DD lives with me and my other DS with his dad)
Now I have a v busy old life, am not particularly happy about it but them's the breaks - am not moaning, such is life blah blah, things could be worse and I'm not dead yet so there's a bonus with there.
Anyhoo - back to the start - I thought things were ticking along nicely with my partner until he had a melt down last Tuesday evening. I was shocked! He accused me of acting like a 17 year old when around my daughter (I am 50), laughing and giggling (she makes me howl - she's hilaire!), accused me of not spending enough time with him ( he wants me around him 24/7 - I DO NOT want that and made it clear from the start), he said he doesn't trust me, that our relationship is boring, we just sit and watch tv of an evening (its winter here in Britain - a bit shite and cold and grim), I see too much of my BFF (very little now we got back together actually and she knows it), also moaned that I hadn't taken him up to see his mother in London who is in a care home (I pay for the trip/overnight stay(so we see her twice when there) etc. I already told him that I just couldn't afford that this month as I'm bloody broke and always robbing peter to pay paul, complained that I don't take him to my parents when I'm running little errands for them (short in and out trips to pick up bits/drop of meds etc) - hardly worth him getting out of the car (also I have to say - I may have forgiven him for the DV but my fine mother has certainly not), omg loads of shite really.
I lost my shit a bit and grabbed my bag/shoes and made to leave. He blocked my path and scared the pants off me. I have horrendous memories of the DV which he simply doesn't understand ('it was 17 years ago FFS!') Any raised voice/confrontation I'm off. I can't manage it. Ultimately he let me go (I said keep the shoes/bag as I had my car keys in my pocket thank god). (And me e-cigg - V important!).
Long story ain't it. Well now he's texting, begging forgiveness, pleading, saying that he will not put such pressure on me, he will stop these 'thoughts' in his head etc. He wants to talk about. I mentioned we love eachother so dearly but really? I don't want to see him right now. I feel that looking back his behaviour has been slipping back into his 'negative place' for some time now - and we've only been together for a mere few months. I've been saying 'I'm fine' when he questions me (dozens of times) when actually I'm really not. I feel trapped and sad and offing cross with myself for getting back into the rut yet again. I already miss my love - he's smashing and so fab to be with - when he's feeling positive. When I say I have helped with his MH - his MH nearly destroyed me in 2015, I have mopped up after him, nursed him, carried him, taken him to hospitals, Ive been a counsellor, Jeez, you name it Ive tried everything to help him for years. Talk talk talk, talked to him, listened, held, cried with him.
AIBU? I want him to have counselling, he tried it years back but said it 'fucked him up' even more (it did), he won't take meds, he will not really take any guidance or suggestions to assist him (I know when you feel so low getting out of bed is a feat in itself). I believe that 'something' happened in his former years. Maybe sexual abuse? He had a hideous childhood and was sent to a boys boarding school over 100 miles from home - ran away constantly and was basically a little shite). Well who does that if they're happy?
I don not know where to go with this. He is the love of my life - and me his. Neither of us has ever settled down with anyone else, we would both (and have been on and off for years) single than with any other person. I just adore him, he can't see it! He worries so much, so much that we will fail, and as has happened so MANY times before it does - because he screws it up. The not letting me leave business was it for me - I'm not going through that again. Oh - and yes, I know full well that he emotionally abuses me also - but what is to be done? Something? Nothing? Anything? Do I walk/stay? I don't know what the hell to do. Ive been upset/angry all week but now I just feel numb - and a bit relieved at not having him near me....please help! Any advice??!! xxx
MH issues/past abuse are not an excuse that makes it okay to hurt, manipulate and abuse others.
If he does not want to change, you are certainly not going to be able to do it for him. And why would he want to change? He still has you, after all. There's no point working hard to get better when you already obey and stay with him.
Please leave. You owe this man nothing. I've seen so many women think they can 'rescue' men, that this time it will finally be better. It never happens and it never is.
Your post is so full of contradiction but at the centre of it is a man that is emotionally abusing you (with some hint he may well become violent again given the awful incident you describe). He will only seek help if he wants to you can't force him to. I understand that you love him but he does a lot of damage to you emotionally. Can I make a suggestion that it is you that seek therapy and see a councillor to understand why you are so drawn to this man. Good luck your life sounds incredibly hard work and you sound very resilient in the face of those challenges.
Oh you poor thing you've got a lot going on. Leaving him could only improve your life as far as I can see. You know you can't fix him, right? You are not romeo and Juliet. Your life is not a film with you two as the star crossed lovers. Please give it serious consideration.
If you were the love of his life you wouldn't be posting.....
Actually it is really simple. You have got enmeshed with someone who is ruining your life and you are letting them.
What are you getting out of this?
Co dependent Saviour complex. Why are you doing this? because your think yourself incapable of having a healthy normal relationship
Hopefully, the thought of your daughter writing your post as a fifty year old makes you feel queasy. Hopefully, you would never ever want her to experience what you have.
So don't show her that it is OK.
Can I make a suggestion that you withdrawing (completely not just as a partner) may actually push him to seek help? Could you go nc for a bit and just see how that goes
Yeah this is a lot of things. But love is not one of them.
mm...I did withdraw completely for over a year and he DID seek help (from his housing officer who was also a generally good egg and wise one), he seemed SO much happier - in fact - if he's so bloody unhappy now it says it all doesn't it?!! I hear you, I hear you....SallyinSweden xx
Your life appears to be full of stress and worry mainly caused by this man. It shouldn't be like that, should it?
This is an extremely toxic relationship. Someone who truly loves you does not behave that way, they just don't! You deserve so much better. Please consider getting some help and support for yourself. You can't fix him, but with support you can come to realise that you shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour. I feel for you, I really do, please stop allowing this man to mess with your head.
Block all contact.
Don't look back.
You've spent a large portion of your adult life trying to help someone who won't help themselves (won't take meds , go to counselling...)
He won't change
You can't change him.
Move and find happiness elsewhere (that doesn't necessarily mean with another man)
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