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Was I being unreasonable? This has been bothering me for years

(70 Posts)
morehamthancoke Fri 24-Feb-17 20:54:00

I am very much pro-choice when it comes to abortion. Particularly at the early stages anyway.

When I was a teenager I was a complete mess. Utterly miserable, depressed, dabbled in drugs, slept around, self harmed, and generally tried to self destruct. I ended up with an accidental pregnancy, although I hadn't been careful so it served me right. As soon as I found out I knew how desperately the baby was wanted and the baby's dad (I got lucky that he was a decent guy) agreed with me. I was a student and knew I would need benefits until I had graduated (housing benefit and CTC to top up student loan, no JSA/IS). Partner was in the same position. Family weren't supportive but we kept the baby.

Baby is now 6. I got my act together immediately and didn't so much as smoke one cigarette during pregnancy. Sorted out a place to live and everything we needed, read up about everything, went to classes etc. etc. Married baby's dad (we are very happy- I got very lucky), we both have good careers now, baby is incredibly loved and is happy and thriving. Baby completely saved my life.

But I can't get rid of the guilt. The fact that because I wasn't financially stable at first I shouldn't have had the baby. I KNOW I was BU to not be more careful, but once PG WIBU to keep baby?

underneaththeash Fri 24-Feb-17 20:58:59

How could you not be reasonable? Your son would not be here now if you'd made another decision.

CooolWhip Fri 24-Feb-17 20:59:21

No. It all came out in the wash and you landed on your feet. It was a wake up call and changed your life for the better. Why guilty?

I'm pro choice too, but the most important word there is choice; that choice can vary from one person to the next, and finances aren't the only factor to consider.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Fri 24-Feb-17 21:00:40

Honestly your baby was your savior and came at the right time for you, as I feel you would have gone in a downward spiral of self abuse.
You sound like a lovely mum.

DearMrDilkington Fri 24-Feb-17 21:01:07

Huh?confused

PamplemousseRouge Fri 24-Feb-17 21:04:50

Please don't feel unreasonable or guilty, OP flowers

You haven't done anything wrong at all, and everything has turned out so well. Congratulations on your career, and on having such a lovely family smile

Just a thought - have you looked into anything like counselling or therapy to help you with the feelings you're having? It might help flowers

Slothlikesundays Fri 24-Feb-17 21:06:11

Some might argue you keeping the baby is the reason you are financially stable now. Had you continued with your previous lifestyle you might not have finished education and your self destructive behaviour may have continued. And you may or may not have needed benefits anyway. You used the welfare state for the exact reason it was invented. As a stepping stone. Of course you weren't unreasonable. Enjoy your son.

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday Fri 24-Feb-17 21:06:16

What would have happened if you'd had an abortion? You don't know but you can guess that you wouldn't have turned your life around. And the guilt might have made it worse. You have worked hard to be so "lucky". Find a way to stop worrying about this. You made the right choice for you.

AndImAnElf Fri 24-Feb-17 21:07:02

Why would you feel guilty? Fwiw I waited until I was married, with a house and a mortgage, a good professional job etc before I got pregnant, and I still ended up (temporarily) a jobless, single mum of two on benefits. Luck of the draw.

BillSykesDog Fri 24-Feb-17 21:07:44

What? What the fuck? You absolutely turned your life around and have achieved something pretty amazing going from that to providing your daughter with a happy stable upbringing. You should feel fucking proud, not guilty.

fruitbats Fri 24-Feb-17 21:09:37

What are you feeling guilty about?

Crunchymum Fri 24-Feb-17 21:20:06

You felt guilty that you weren't financially stable before having your child? Seriously? Fuck me!

autumnmonths Fri 24-Feb-17 21:20:24

Things happen for a reason. He saved you. Be grateful instead of feeling guilty. And you sound like a great family unit so you;re actually blessed. smile

harderandharder2breathe Fri 24-Feb-17 21:22:35

Being pro choice isn't pro-abortion, it's pro-CHOICE. You can be pro choice even if you would never consider an abortion for yourself. It's pro- all women being able to make that choice for themselves.

You made a choice and it's worked out great for you, so why would you feel guilty?

Fink Fri 24-Feb-17 21:24:15

Of course there's no need to feel guilty. You saved each other's lives!

And, apart from anything else, there's a massive difference between making sure you're financially stable before planning a family and accidentally getting pregnant when not financially stable. Benefits are there to be claimed, if you need them then they're there as a support. That's what they did for you for a short while and now you're independent and paying back into the system. No one should feel guilty about claiming help when they need it.

Somehowsomewhere Fri 24-Feb-17 21:24:22

Bit confused by this to be honest. You feel guilty because your son, who is loved and has a great life, came into the world when you weren't financially stable? Did it adversely affect him?
What's the actual issue?

Nomoreworkathome Fri 24-Feb-17 21:29:46

What an odd AIBU. Hard to even understand what the AIBU is TBH.

PamplemousseRouge Fri 24-Feb-17 21:33:05

nomorework I think the AIBU is that the OP is asking whether she is unreasonable to feel guilty for not being financially stable when she had her baby, especially as she now feels happy and comfortable.

ciele Fri 24-Feb-17 21:35:02

Time to move on.

MsUnderstanding Fri 24-Feb-17 21:37:37

I think we all feel guilt about parenting decisions. It dosnt matter what happened in the past. Look forward.

ImperialBlether Fri 24-Feb-17 21:37:52

Are you having a sliding doors moment, OP? Are you wondering how your life would've turned out if you'd had a termination?

You sound amazingly strong. Do you feel you've been strong for so long and now need a bit of help?

AnnieAnoniMouse Fri 24-Feb-17 21:40:47

Park it 💐

Feeling guilty over something you did 7 years ago & cannot change or make amends for is utterly pointless, no matter what it is.

I can see why you feel guilty, you didn't terminate your pregnancy even though you had a stack of things going against you and you knew you'd need to be on benefits if you kept the baby. It could have all gone spectacularly badly. The 'what ifs'. I can understand your thinking.

However, as it happens, it didn't. It went spectacularly well 😊😊😊

You got your shit together, you're happy, DH is hopefully happy & you have a lovely DS, who is also presumably happy! You both have good jobs.

Perhaphs you were unreasonable to take the risk, but you did everything you could to sort your shit out, grow up fast & be a good Mum. 💐 THAT is what's important & you should be proud of yourselves.

Would you feel better if you found a way to 'pay back' society for the benefits you needed at the time? (Not that I think you have anything to pay back, but if you do)? I don't know what to suggest because as a Mum of a 6 year old who, also WOTH, I'm assuming you don't have ooodles of spare time 🤣 But I'm sure between us all we could think of something if you think it would help?!

If you can't get rid of the guilt, then you need to see someone about it. It's not good for you (or your DH, DS, marriage) to keep carrying that around wth you.

BoomBoomsCousin Fri 24-Feb-17 21:40:48

Do you think every woman now who finds herself in your situation should abort or feel guilty for the rest of their lives? Or do you think it's great that we have a social safety net that makes it possible to choose what you did?

We have a society that makes it difficult to be in a financially stable situation at the age when we are most fertile. If you happen to get pregnant (even if you could have been more adept with contraception) it's appropriate for society to step in with a safety net to make sure you can manage. And you did - using what you needed but putting work into making yourselves financially secure. A society that insists on abortion for anyone not financially ready for a child when it makes it nigh on impossible to be ready at the point at which many women will become pregnant would be an horrific place.

Supporting choice should be our goal, by both making access to abortion easy and making the costs of having children manageable.

GrandDesespoir Fri 24-Feb-17 21:44:51

By the sound of things you were very emotionally unstable as well as financially unstable and if you had continued to dabble in drugs and to do other self-destructive things while pregnant then perhaps you would be right to feel guilty. However, as soon as you realised you were expecting you immediately took steps to improve your situation and to do everything you could to give the baby a good start in life. So, for that reason, I would say that you were not unreasonable in continuing with the pregnancy.

I do think you've been very lucky that things worked out how they did, but you've also made your own "luck" through determination and hard work. You should try to let go of these feelings now - and if you're not able to do that then perhaps go for some counselling, as a previous poster suggested.

KnockMeDown Fri 24-Feb-17 21:46:14

To put it kindly, OP, I think you are over thinking somewhat. I suggest you start to enjoy what you have, otherwise you are in danger of spoiling it for no good reason.

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