Getting ready for work

[unicorn5629]

Hi ! Genuine question as I can see both sides of the argument.

My DH works 3/4 days a week, shift work 15 hour days. I do a similar job but I'm part time so work 1/2 days per week same hours.

He's always had a set routine and leaves early as he doesn't "do late". He's always been the same. I on the other hand will throw lunch and work bits in bag and leave at last possible moment.

We have a 1 yo. This morning she was up early and I decided to bring her downstairs. He wasn't annoyed or shitty with me but did subtlety say he'd prefer to be "left alone" whilst he gets ready for work. So I asked whether he wanted us to go back upstairs and he repeated that's what's preferable.

Our daughter is becoming more active and whilst I could entertain her with toys upstairs etc I guess I just was looking for a chat etc as he got ready as I wouldn't mind if roles were reversed. I'd see it as extra time spent with DD? He's very hands on when he's home so no problems there...

Ok.. AIBU awaits firing squad

[Heirhelp]

He is definitely being unreasonable. You can't just opt out of parenting.

[IwannabeanElf]

YANBU my DP is the same he has his routine, but he has had to adapt now we have our DC's.

Maybe just explain to him that you thought it would be nice to see DC before he goes off to work etc if he gets shirty with you about it later

[19lottie82]

hhhhm normally I would say he is being a dick, However the guy is working 15 hour shifts! I would imagine that's pretty tiring / stressful.

Based on that I guess the question is does he pull his weight substantially on his 4 days a week off?

[SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter]

I can see both sides too I'm afraid so not much help

If I was heading off to work for 15 hours I don't think a cup of tea/breakfast/ putting your shirt on in peace isn't too much to ask for. My office is further away than dh office so my days are a lot longer ( we both work full time but I end up doing more hours) and I leave first in the morning but I get up have a cuppa in peace and my breakfast then I get dd for a cuddle while dh showers and leave home after dh shower.

But Then if the 1 year old needs to get up assuming she wasn't running riot and screaming at the top of her lungs or climbing all over Dad while his trying to put his work clothes on for example ,I think it's fine.

[Pinkheart5915]

I don't know about this one really

If I was going to head out for a 15 hour shift I might want 1/2 hour peace so I can have breakfast, get dressed etc before I leave too and I'm not sure that is asking for too much tbh.
If the child really needed to get up before he leaves then I guess it's fine but it would be unfair if he's trying to get dressed and the child is pulling at his trouser leg, screaming about

You say you have no problems as his hands on when at home so I certainly wouldn't be making this a problem. If you was saying he's a lazy arse as does nothing for the child when his home it would be different

[harderandharder2breathe]

Hibu

He can't opt out of having a child.

But if you're not working and he is, I would expect you to occupy her. If you're both working at the same time then you just muddle through together

[19lottie82]

Ooop I've just RYFT...... yeah it's a bit shitty but given the fact he's working 15 hour days and pulls his weight the rest of the time I'd let it slide.

[QueenOfTheCatBastards]

If he needs half an hour peace he gets up a further half hour earlier surely? The entire household cannot be held hostage by one persons need to commune with their shirt and socks.

[limon]

In our house ifwe take it in turns to get ready, working g around each other and our dd. The days I'm working and dh isn't he gets her ready for school while I get a shower and dressed, then I watch her while he showers. On days he and I are both working he leaves before we are up so I get her ready. There aren't many days on which he's working get and I'm not but they are generally weekends so he gets ready and then watches dd while I shower.

[unicorn5629]

Ahh thanks everyone ! Yes he is very hands on normally and does get up earlier than necessary to accommodate his routine. I just wanted balanced view points before I stamped my feet when he gets home !

[melj1213]

Queen How is he supposed to do that? He already gets up early to have peaceful "getting ready time" is he supposed to be psychic and know the days his daughter will wake up earlier and that time will be interrupted so he needs to get up even earlier that day?

OP, I think the fact you are a "last minute" person and your DH is an early bird just means you have different expectations of your pre-work routine and neither of you are BU. Some days I have to be at work by 9am for a long 10hr shift and my DD has to be at school by 8:50 but I am not a morning person ... so on those days I get up half an hour before she does so that I can have some quiet time to myself to wake up properly and get ready without someone else around. When my DD is at her dad's house I will sometimes lie in until much later, but then I end up running around last minute and chucking stuff in my bag to try and get out of the house on time and it stresses me out because it is out of my routine and I feel like I am constantly rushed and short of time.

Your DH sounds like he is my kind of person who needs some "quiet" wake up time in the morning and has got used to having that so when you brought DD down and wanted to spend tim with him, it meant he had to give you both attention and headspace that he needed to prepare for the day, so wasn't best pleased.

[QueenOfTheCatBastards]

He can't predict that the child will get up earlier than usual now and again, but there's no room to insist she has to go back upstairs if she does. Family life doesn't work like that does it? The mighty worker getting their way because they're used to it? No. He should just have got on and coped the same as most people do.

[ijustwannadance]

He can't expect you to stay upstairs until he is gone. That's ridiculous. My DP likes his morning routine and i'm more like you. Having a small child in the mix just means you both have to adapt and get on with it.

[MimsyFluff]

I'm a sahm part time work from home my DH will get himself ready and the school DC ready and drop them off at breakfast club leaving me and younger DC sleeping a few times a week.