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To think LTR's aren't a thing anymore??

(76 Posts)
Karmaisabitch Fri 24-Feb-17 10:01:33

This has been something I've thought about for days now.

Are long term relationships becoming more uncommon by the day?? It seems people are only together between a year & maybe 5 but are splitting. Is it because there is too much choice?? Too many issues?? People seem to be cheating a hell of a lot more, blender families seem to be way more common than before too!

Just seems rare to think il meet someone in say 10+ years who'll say they've been with their partner say 20 years!

Hassled Fri 24-Feb-17 10:07:09

You realise of course that you're going to get loads of posts saying "well I've been with DH 100 years", don't you grin? And I've been with mine 20+ years - there are loads of long term relationships around. A surprising number of my friends (40s, 50s) are with their boyfriends from teenage years still.
But this marriage is my second marriage - I did the "bad choice of relationship while young" thing which I think a lot of people go through. You have to kiss the frogs to find the prince, etc. - is that what you mean, do you think?

emilybrontescorset Fri 24-Feb-17 10:16:40

There are lots of people in ltr.
Yes the divorce rate/split rate is higher.
I don't necessarily think people are more unhappy within their ltr, rather the ones who were unhappy in the past tended to put up with it.
This can be down to a number of reasons such as, social pressure to stay together, lack of economic independence for women, stigma attached to single women the list is endless.

Abuse and adultery have always happened , women were pressurised into putting up with it in the past.
Women who weren't married were called names such as 'old maid' 'spinster' etc .
When I was a child things such as divorce, living together without being married, having an illegitimate child, being homosexual were all regarded as wrong. Those who did it were talked about. It was far better to marry and be unhappy than do one of the above and be stigmatised.

Allthebestnamesareused Fri 24-Feb-17 10:18:10

I think divroce is less stigmatised so therefore people don't feel obliged to remain with a partner these days that they might have previously. I think more women work and have careers and can therefore afford to ltb if they want to when previous generations did not have this ability (in general).

I think women are no longer 50s style housewives and can live their lives the way they chose and they don't have to "put up and shut up" anymore.

I find that there are a number of people who had a "failed" early marriage but who have then gone on to have long term second relationships whether there are DSCs or not.

Its about choice and being able to follow those choices today.

TheNaze73 Fri 24-Feb-17 10:32:34

I think there is more choice, temptation on offer & easier ways to cheat these days. One landline, sat in the lounge was how it used to be, so harder I would imagine to cover your tracks. With online applications, FB messenger & Tinder, it's almost a cheat paradise out there now. The availability of both men & women for just sex now, has made it so easy.
Fundamentally though, LTR will survive if both partners are getting what they want, as they wont even be tempted to have their heads turned.

ShowOfHands Fri 24-Feb-17 10:35:59

I think my friends are a strange bunch. We're all in LTRs. Shortest is 7 years, longest (us) is 18 years and also, all of our parents are still in 35+ yr old marriages.

I don't think that's the norm though.

ShowMePotatoSalad Fri 24-Feb-17 10:38:01

I think serial monogamy, with overlaps, is a very common thing now.

Suzytwoshoes Fri 24-Feb-17 10:40:13

I've been with my DH for 15 years, married for 4. Long may it continue.
Parents are split up and married to other people on both sides.
Friends are mostly single or in newish relationships with the odd few in LTR.

I would kind of agree with you from my POV it's not that common anymore.

x2boys Fri 24-Feb-17 11:36:08

i dont think so i have been with dh 12 years most of my friends are in long term relationships what has changed though is divorce is far more acceptable than it was a couple of generations or so ago,, people are just as likely to have children in a long term relationship as they are in a marriage and people having children by two or more partners is far more common then it used to be.

amusedbush Fri 24-Feb-17 11:46:45

I agree with PP that there is less reason to put up with bad behaviour nowadays. More women are financially stable and can choose to leave and support themselves if they want.

I also agree that the internet makes it much easier to cheat, if someone wanted to. I know more than one person in a horrible situation where their partner has exchanged inappropriate photos and messages with a stranger but not physically cheated, which seems to be more common too.

Afreshstartplease Fri 24-Feb-17 11:49:25

I'm 29 and we have been together 10 years

We have had proper shit times, but we have kept going and worked through it

OptimisticSix Fri 24-Feb-17 12:11:54

Married for six years nearly but before that I had children with two previous partners who turned out to be either violent and abusive or uninterested in DC and never home. Years ago I might have been stuck in either of those relationships, scared to leave because of stigma or with nowhere to go. Luckily I didn't have to worry about either of those aspects and moved on from both.

QueenOfTheCatBastards Fri 24-Feb-17 12:12:13

People don't feel shamed into sticking with a shitty relationship for the sake of appearances any more.

This is a good thing, so long may it continue.

Rugbyplayersarehot Fri 24-Feb-17 12:15:07

I think thankfully women now don't have to put up and shut up.

Me and dh met at 17 married at 20 and will celebrate 30 years married next year grin

PerpetualStudent Fri 24-Feb-17 12:17:44

Having read some heart-breaking threads on here about the physical/emotional/sexual/financial abuse some women are putting up with, I'd say the divorce rate is't high enough!

MakeItStopNeville Fri 24-Feb-17 12:22:20

I'm obviously weird as I know hardly anyone who isn't in a ltr. Even my MIL, who's been married 3x has been with her DH for 30 years.

Karmaisabitch Fri 24-Feb-17 12:23:05

I find it extremely common to meet people in their 40/50's who are still will their partners 10/20 years later even longer.

I just feel that younger people seem incapable of holding down a job let alone a relationship. Most of my friends are on their 2nd or even 3rd serious relationship & I'm only 26!

I met my bf at 16, split up 3 months later. I then met someone else at 17 it ended 6 months later. Then another at nearly 18, it lasted 2 months.

Me & my first bf when I was 16, got back together when I was 18 & split at 20. 21 I met my ex wife, spent 5 years together & split in 2015, divorced in 2016.

Met a new guy in 2016 & split 7 months later.

Are most of my generation incapable or just unwilling?? Maybe we aren't made of the same stuff!

Sorry about the long post!

QueenOfTheCatBastards Fri 24-Feb-17 12:25:11

There's no expectation of long term now.

A woman doesn't need a husband to provide for her because we're now able to provide for ourselves. It has changed dynamics for the good.

Karmaisabitch Fri 24-Feb-17 12:27:55

Maybe I've got old fashioned views yet am growing up in an era where as a PP said, women no longer need men.

My mum & dad were together 17 years, to me that's a long time.....as I couldn't ever imagine being with someone that long however, it's what I want, I don't like the idea of jumping from one relationship to the next.

BingBongBingBong Fri 24-Feb-17 12:32:31

I don't know, I'm 28 and most of my friends and I have been with our partners between 5 and 7 years. DH and I have been together for 6. It seems to be in 2 camps - those in LTRs and those who have short term relationships one after another. Both are fine IMO. Why waste your time if you're not happy I guess!

Interestly it seems a lot of my friend's parents who were married for years and years have split up once the kids have all left home. I see it happening a lot. As another PP has said there's less shame in leaving a crap relationship which is a good thing.

Trainspotting1984 Fri 24-Feb-17 12:35:08

I think it's normal for young people to have a number of short relationships before they find "the one"

shovetheholly Fri 24-Feb-17 12:40:08

I think statistically the opposite might be true - that the amount of recent marriages ending in divorce is falling? Take a look at Figure 2

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/divorce/bulletins/divorcesinenglandandwales/2013

5moreminutes Fri 24-Feb-17 12:44:35

I just feel that younger people seem incapable of holding down a job let alone a relationship. Most of my friends are on their 2nd or even 3rd serious relationship & I'm only 26!

Well if you're 26 of course that is normal and as it should be!

The average age at first marriage is about 30. Nothing wrong with that - some people meet their soul mate at 15 and stay with them all their lives, but if you ask most of those people in their 40s and 50s who have been in relationships 10+ years whether their first boy/girlfriend would have been a splendid choice of life partner they will laugh grin

Ever since it became acceptable to have sex outside marriage its been normal to have a few long term relationships before settling down with one person for what you hope is the long haul IMO.

I met my now DH (married 13 years, together 17 I think!) in my late 20s - so at 26 I'd have been just like your friends, in my 3rd or 4th (depending how you count) serious relationship. Can't see how that is in any way incompatible with then marrying or forming a civil or other long term cohabiting partnership and staying together for the next 40 + years at all.

I think what you are seeing among your peers was absolutely normal among 26 year olds 20 years ago too, and the 26 year olds of 20 years ago are now the 46 year olds in 10+ year long relationships to whom you are comparing your friends...

FucksSakeSusan Fri 24-Feb-17 12:44:53

Why is a lack of LTRs a bad thing?

There is no longer an expectation for couples to stay together when they're deeply unhappy or there are issues of abuse, and I think this is a good thing.

Also, people change as they get older - you're not the same person at 50 that you were at 30. Why do we expect people to continue to be compatible?

(FWIW I've been with DH for 14 years though!)

5moreminutes Fri 24-Feb-17 12:45:55

* incapable of holding down a job isn't how it should be, but not typically being in 10+ year relationships at 26 is as it should be and as it was 20 years ago IMO.

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