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Wedding & Inlaws - the usual AIBU?

(71 Posts)
CantGetAUserName Fri 24-Feb-17 01:45:56

We are due to emigrate this year thanks to DP's job so decided while we were still in the UK to get married and everything is arranged, keeping it small and intimate - close family and friends etc.

DH 'aunt' (MIL Best friend) is invited although we haven't seen or spoke to her in 10 years. Turns out she has invited a whole load of other people along with her (son, partner etc) who we have never met! No consideration or request just a demand they must attend also.

I said no, we have catered etc and is already costing a small fortune, MIL blowing a gasket over us being 'unreasonable' DH stuck in the middle.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want people I don't know at my wedding and I certainly don't want to be paying for them! We are paying for everything ourselves and space is limited due to a small venue.

PragmaticWench Fri 24-Feb-17 01:49:34

Your DH isn't 'in the middle' because that suggests it's you v's your MIL. In fact your DH needs to be with you, and stand up to his DM and be firm that her friend can't invite people to your wedding.

He surely must be able to be polite and yet firm?!

Smitff Fri 24-Feb-17 01:55:57

Wtf?! Whose wedding is this?? Don't go down the "but we're paying for it" road as MIL will just offer to pay.

Basically, she doesn't want to have a difficult conversation with her friend. She'd rather upset you. Tell DH that. So him to choose.

Topseyt Fri 24-Feb-17 02:05:54

Bloody hell, how presumptuous of MIL's "friend". Not her place to invite anyone else at all.

Stay firm. Say that "friend" either comes on her own or her invitation will be withdrawn.

KC225 Fri 24-Feb-17 02:32:00

Agree with the above poster, if you state 'it's the money' you do not want to be in a position where they offer to pay. Say 'no'. An exception was made for 'Aunt' and remind them DH has not seen her for 10 years. A small wedding is exactly that. Stand firm, emigrating means there will be no awkwardness at MIL's summer BBQ.

Good luck OO

sonyaya Fri 24-Feb-17 02:38:06

Eww your MIL and her mate sound like pieces of work. YANBU. Your wedding, your guest list.

ScarlettFreestone Fri 24-Feb-17 03:02:10

If you are going to say "no" (not unreasonably) say it directly to the Aunt, not via your MIL. Much harder to argue with and cuts down in the emotional blackmail.

Rainbowqueeen Fri 24-Feb-17 04:05:42

That's a good idea from Scarlett. Cut out the middleman ie your MIL who clearly wants to avoid awkwardness
You could say something like " that's wonderful news that you can come to our wedding, it will be a very small intimate ceremony because that is what we are able to afford, it was hard to keep numbers small as there were lots of other friends and family we would have loved to have included. I'm sure you understand that we can't accommodate any extra " then if she tries to push back you could add " just clarifying that the invitation was to you alone, if you feel unable to accept that we understand and we'll save you a slice of cake"

CantGetAUserName Fri 24-Feb-17 05:01:36

DP did actually contact the aunt and (much nicer than i would have) told her no which meant she went crying to MIL thinking she could pull strings. The venue we have picked has other rooms but we have the smallest and when we mentioned this we were met with the reasoning that there was plenty of room and said son and family could sit in another room perhaps the lounge restaurant area confused we've also stated the cost but PIL or aunt would never dream of contributing.

DP bless him has never been good at standing up for himself against PIL but is getting better. He has been warned to make it crystal clear this is not happening otherwise it's going to ruin our day

dingdongthewitchisdead1 Fri 24-Feb-17 05:06:42

How many extra guests does the 'aunt' want to bring with her?

NewIdeasToday Fri 24-Feb-17 05:24:06

I just never understand these threads. Just say it's not possible. End of discussion. What do you care if she moans to MIL.

TerrorAustralis Fri 24-Feb-17 05:49:40

Who the fuck thinks they can invite extra people to someone else's wedding? This is bizarre and takes entitlement to a whole new level!

In case it isn't obvious, YANBU and MIL and aunt are BVVVVVVVVU.

Gaaaah Fri 24-Feb-17 06:03:41

It's sounds like a wtf moment but it really does happen. An old friend of my husband's turned an invitation for 2 into an invitation for 4 by insisting that his parents come along to our wedding too. Actually the invitation was for the friend, who did have a partner but it had been so many years since they'd spoken that husband didn't even know the girlfriends name! Anyway I made my husband say no to him, it wouldn't have been that much of a big deal with regards to the money/venue it was just the fecking cheek of it! The friend refused to come full stop, probably think it that of he chucked his toys out the pram we'd give in but I wasn't having any of it and we left it at that.

Tell your husband to sort his mums crap attitude out and tell the aunt tough shit, it's not happening.

ElvishArchdruid Fri 24-Feb-17 06:06:12

You'll end up giving in, we had a similar scenario with big wedding, 4 course meal, my family paying, but MIL wanting some really obscure guests my DH hadn't seen in 25+ years.

ElvishArchdruid Fri 24-Feb-17 06:07:28

There's your answer, MIL wants them she is welcome to pay.

FrancisCrawford Fri 24-Feb-17 06:07:30

On that basis I'd be telling her the invite is for 1, it is nothing to do with MIL and after her atrocious behaviour you would be happy for her to stay away.

Chillyegg Fri 24-Feb-17 06:15:37

This has blown my mind some what. Cheek and to be honest its shocking. Id just say ots a firm no and if your mil doesnt like it then maybe she could resind her acceptance of the invitation to accommodate for this "aunts " partner.

GnomeDePlume Fri 24-Feb-17 06:19:10

'no, we are keeping it as planned'
'no, we are keeping it as planned'
'no, we are keeping it as planned'
'no, we are keeping it as planned'
'no, we are keeping it as planned'
.........

Is it possible that this is DMIL's last throw of the dice as you are moving abroad and therefore away from her sphere of influence?

I know that my DM and DB both behaved quite badly when we moved abroad. Lots of sobbing from DM and DB refused to come to our farewell party as he didnt approve of us moving abroad!

omnishamblesssssssssssssss Fri 24-Feb-17 06:23:50

Consistency is key. 'Sadly we can't fit them in or afford extras' x200

OneLumpOrSeven Fri 24-Feb-17 07:54:15

Who the fuck invites people to someone else's wedding? What is wrong with people? Just keep saying no.

fatmummy87 Fri 24-Feb-17 07:58:32

Yanbu - tell the aunt it's not possible.

Someone I used to work with mil printed extra copies of their wedding invitations and sent them out to an extra 10 family / couples shock I didn't know people behaved like that before I heard that story.

user1483387154 Fri 24-Feb-17 08:00:59

YANBU
They are being extremely rude and should not have invited anyone. No excuses.

Agreeing with PP's keep saying NO

Newtothis2017 Fri 24-Feb-17 08:10:00

My mil tried the same. Lots of tears on her behalf and tried to emotionally blackmail my then df. I stood my ground and didn't give in. It made the whole run up to our wedding terrible. Would I do it again. Probably not. Tens years later I have learnt to pick my battles. It took about 3 years for relationships to recover. My miles was awful to me but is better now. While you are definitely nbu maybe decide if it is worth it and enjoy your wedding

shovetheholly Fri 24-Feb-17 08:17:30

YADNBU.

I think I'd be tempted to draw a line on it, cancel existing plans and make entirely new ones WITHOUT said aunt. And I'd be really clear that MIL would also be disinvited in the event of further attempts to take over.

DartmoorDoughnut Fri 24-Feb-17 08:19:58

YANBU at all, not even a little bit

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