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Aibu to not want to apologise anymore (sex)

(141 Posts)
ohmygoshnoonesaymyname Thu 23-Feb-17 13:46:57

My dh and I went through a really difficult phase in our relationship a couple of years ago. He struggled having sex but that turned to him pressuring and guilting me into doing things I did not like it was an upsetting time - I accused him of being abusive.

He is better now. We have talked about it and he doesn't do that now. But I can't enjoy sex, I just can't. He also has gone too far the other way he always wants sex but I have to constantly tell him it's ok and apologise for him being upset for the accusations I made which I find really uncomfortable.

Apart from this one little issue we have a really good relationship. So aibu to be so uncomfortable with sex? He tries really hard but I just can't enjoy it.

LucklessMonster Thu 23-Feb-17 13:50:44

YANBU. I've been through similar and once that trust is gone, It's very very hard to get back - impossible, for me. I was never able to orgasm with him again.

I don't know what the answer is but yes, stop apologising! He was being abusive and you called him out on it. You did nothing wrong.

gamerchick Thu 23-Feb-17 13:52:02

Tell him you're not going to apologise anymore. I couldn't live like that.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 23-Feb-17 13:52:25

Why are you apologising for telling him he was abusive, when he was?

Is this at his insistence?

You don't ever have to have sex with anyone, it's your body. I might be reading it wrong, but it sounds like he's now pressuring you to have sex with him as a penance for having told him he was abusive, when you were only telling the truth.

He sounds horrible and I'm sorry for what he did to you.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 23-Feb-17 13:53:38

Does he watch porn? It also sounds like he was struggling to perform unless you did things you didn't want to do.

You're worth more than that.

category12 Thu 23-Feb-17 13:53:50

Um, he was abusive when he was pressuring and guilting you into things you didn't want.

And now he's still piling on guilt by dragging up you confronting him about the coercive behaviour. If you're going to move on as a couple, he needs to stop doing that.

It's no wonder you're not into the sex.

ClemDanfango Thu 23-Feb-17 13:55:39

You shouldn't be apologetic at all, he abused you. He should be sorry but then abusers rarely are. He still sounds emotionally abusive and coercive to be honest because he's still trying to make you feel guilty for his behaviour and is still pressuring you even though he knows you don't want to have sex.

HeyRoly Thu 23-Feb-17 13:59:42

So he used to pressurise you into doing sexual acts you didn't want to do, and you called him abusive? (I see no fault with that btw). I'm a bit confused by what you say next though:

He also has gone too far the other way he always wants sex but I have to constantly tell him it's ok and apologise for him being upset for the accusations I made which I find really uncomfortable.

What is "too far the other way"? If he always wants sex and keeps bugging you about it, that's going to make you even less likely to want sex than you do already.

I agree with luckless in that I think the damage was already done, and it's difficult for you to forget his sexually abusive behaviour. But always wanting sex when you don't want it is also pressuring and on the road to sexually abusive.

As for him getting all butthurt and seeming reassurance that you no longer think he's abusive... fuck that. He doesn't accept his behaviour. He thinks you overreacted.

ohmygoshnoonesaymyname Thu 23-Feb-17 14:02:58

Gamer if I don't apologise we can never have sec he just withdraws away.

ohmygoshnoonesaymyname Thu 23-Feb-17 14:03:50

Anne it's not him telling me I have to apologise it's just if I don't he says he's too afraid to do anything.

gamerchick Thu 23-Feb-17 14:04:11

And that's bad because? You're never going to enjoy it if you have to apologise to him first. That's not a relationship sad

ohmygoshnoonesaymyname Thu 23-Feb-17 14:05:35

Heyroly - I mean that he wants to have sex (so do I) but now he wants me to be saying it's ok or he won't carry on .

ClemDanfango Thu 23-Feb-17 14:06:10

He's making you responsible for his behaviour. Sounds like power games, he makes you apologise for the feeling of control over you.

ohmygoshnoonesaymyname Thu 23-Feb-17 14:07:10

Clem I think it was partly my fault for not speaking up sooner it was just really bad communication.

Gallavich Thu 23-Feb-17 14:07:12

He's still being abusive tbh

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 23-Feb-17 14:07:27

Apologise for what? Pointing out that pressuring you to do things you were uncomfortable with is abusive? It is abusive. You pointed out a fact. It sounds to me as if he's not willing to see his behaviour for what it is.

He broke your trust. He needs to earn it back. Instead, he's gaslighting you that it's all your fault. No, it's his fault and he needs to accept that if you are going to have any sort of a relationship.

category12 Thu 23-Feb-17 14:08:02

He's punishing you for daring to call him out on his shit behaviour.

SanitysSake Thu 23-Feb-17 14:09:20

I'm sorry, I have to ask a) why couldn't he have sex originally? b) What was he forcing you to do? c) If he wants sex all the time now, why on earth is it then contingent that you have to apologise about how you felt previously?

It sounds like a total form of control and subjugation. Hell to the no! Don't put up with it, it's a very insidious... very insidious indeed. x

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 23-Feb-17 14:10:28

"He's making you responsible for his behaviour. Sounds like power games, he makes you apologise for the feeling of control over you."
ClemDanfango is absolutely right. By making you 'responsible' he gets to abdicate it. And when everything is your responsibility, anything 'wrong' is your fault.

IrregularCommentary Thu 23-Feb-17 14:10:32

He's still controlling your behaviour, he's just now found a way to make you think it's your fault. It's abusive.

ohmygoshnoonesaymyname Thu 23-Feb-17 14:13:30

I wasn't sure if I might just find it hard to enjoy things because of medication I am taking but maybe it's a bit of both.

I don't feel like I'm being controlled ?

ohmygoshnoonesaymyname Thu 23-Feb-17 14:14:38

Where that might be true now i feel like I'm just agreeing to things for the sake of not hurting his feelings. Although I do want to have sex I just don't really enjoy it when I do .

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 23-Feb-17 14:21:40

Why do his feelings matter more than yours though?

If he loves you and cares for you and wants you to be happy he won't be hurting you or trying to make you do anything you're not 100% comfortable with, or making you feel bad, or putting any pressure on you.

If you think you want to but then don't enjoy it when it happens - and by the time it happens it sounds like you've put in a massive load of effort apologising and might be exhausted and emotionally battered - might it be because you feel like you should want to do it rather than actually do?

Jaxhog Thu 23-Feb-17 14:24:01

Stop apologising. Just tell him you'll let him know if things go too far. And do it.

museumum Thu 23-Feb-17 14:24:32

So if i've got this right, he did things before that you didn't actively consent to and so you called him abusive.

So now, is he asking for lots of active consent during sex? If so, that's not necessarily a problem is it? I don't understand why you need to apologise - surely the positive response is 'yes, i do like that' and 'yes, i do want to x' or similar?

it sounds like your communication (both of you) is all over the place.

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