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Genuine AIBU here - am I being selfish?

(173 Posts)
TooTiredTeacher Thu 23-Feb-17 13:01:39

OK, name changed as this will be quite identifying.
Bit of background first of all...
I have been a SAHM for the past 8 years to my three children - the youngest of whom started school in September. I also started school in September - to do my teacher training. This is quite hard work with the teaching side of things, plus the PGCE side of it (masters assignments etc) and three fairly young children. I used to do quite a bit of running but now don't have much time because I live quite remotely and it's too dark to run in the evenings by the time I get home from school. I started back with my running club once a week in January and I'm really enjoying it and hoping to do some more running once the evenings are lighter again. I also enjoy doing running events - 10Ks, mini triathlons etc and about a year or so ago I decided to aim for 40 running/event medals before I hit the end of my 40th year (I'm about to turn 39). I'm on 22 at present.
I was chatting to some friends last night about the possibility of doing a team event again this year - a standard triathlon or an obstacle race (we did a Tough Mudder Half last year for charity, with my husband too). Us ladies are keen to do one but DH got into a grump because of all the weekends I've already filled up with events this year. I have got SIX events lined up so far, all of them very local, and two of those are with the kids too. I'm very keen to encourage the children to do running or tri events as it's good for them to exercise and they enjoy them.
I had a bit of a ding dong with DH last night about my 'unreasonable' behaviour.

BillSykesDog Thu 23-Feb-17 13:05:36

Presuming most of these are going to be before the end of September that is rather a lot. It's one weekend per month or so isn't it?

Sisinisawa Thu 23-Feb-17 13:06:08

How much time do you spend running each week? And how many weekends are you running?

To be honest it sounds like it's a lot and I think you probably are being unreasonable

TooTiredTeacher Thu 23-Feb-17 13:06:49

Oops! Pressed the wrong button!

So - DH thinks I'm unreasonable because I've got 6 out of 52 weekends booked up with MY events this year (even though two are with kids) and he's having a strop because he's going to have to look after his own children for those days.

AIBU?? I barely get any time to myself anymore - all day with kids at school, all holidays with my own kids because I'm off when they are. I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow as I'm in hospital all day having some treatment and so can have some 'me time'!!

I've told him lots of times to go and do stuff with his friends etc but he doesn't. I just don't know if AIBU or not. Just because he doesn't want to do things surely that doesn't mean I shouldn't? I think part of the problem is that he has a bad back and so can't do running etc anymore - not that he's ever liked to run anyway - so I think he's a bit jealous.

What do you all think?

TheFlis12345 Thu 23-Feb-17 13:08:49

I assume the events aren't taking up a whole weekend though?

TooTiredTeacher Thu 23-Feb-17 13:09:06

As I said in my OP - I am only running once a week at the moment - one evening a week with my club, when the kids are in bed. I'm out for an hour with them, plus 30 mins total travel time.

BertrandRussell Thu 23-Feb-17 13:09:38

6 weekends out of 52? Is that it?

What are his grounds fro saying you are being unreasonable?

TooTiredTeacher Thu 23-Feb-17 13:09:56

No the events don't take up a whole weekend - it's a morning or an afternoon at most because they are all local.

Sisinisawa Thu 23-Feb-17 13:11:41

But you want to do 40 eveoover a year? How is that only six mornings? I'm confused.

LadyPW Thu 23-Feb-17 13:12:32

Is he possibly grumpy because the two of you aren't getting much time together, what with the kids and your studies? Maybe it's not the running in itself but another demand on your time and therefore your time with him?
The running itself doesn't sound at all unreasonable.

TooTiredTeacher Thu 23-Feb-17 13:12:44

BertrandRussell - he says it's taking up too much family time. Not that he likes to spend time with the kids much anyway. He hates it when he has to have them on his own for a day. Two of the events are with all the children anyway, and one of the events is with all of us. That's proper family time I would have thought?

SanitysSake Thu 23-Feb-17 13:13:56

I'd be asking him for the real reason he's so disgruntled. I think you may have hit the nail on the head with him being injured and not having a similar outlet... Maybe he can explain a bit further and you can both come up with a plan. Sometimes people need to be led by the hand when they're feeling stuck?

PigletWasPoohsFriend Thu 23-Feb-17 13:14:21

You want to do 40 events in 52 weeks though from what you have said. So yes you only have 6 booked but you want to book another 34.

That is a lot tbh.

Isadora2007 Thu 23-Feb-17 13:15:28

I'm amazed you can keep up your fitness in one run per week.

Unsure if you're being unreasonable or not though as it sounds like this is what you husband can hang his upset on (the weekends) but really it's about a bigger issue. A lot seems to have changed recently for you all and I wonder what he feels he has lost?
I wouldn't go into this as a right:wrong sides thing but a team- say DH I'm really worried you feel that I'm not around as it's not like you to be unsupportive. I'm wondering what else this is about that we need to talk about"? Type thing...? Unless of course he isn't usually suppprtive in which case tha will sound passive aggressive and shitty. 😳
It's not about the weekends or the running I'd say- but maybe that he feels all this change means you weren't ever happy with the life you had before and that hurts him maybe? Just a hunch but could be waaaaay out.

BertrandRussell Thu 23-Feb-17 13:15:37

I don't understand how the timing works. 40 events in a year? How does that fit into 6 weekends?

TooTiredTeacher Thu 23-Feb-17 13:15:40

Sisinisawa - I do my normal running once a week. The events I have booked will take up 6 mornings or afternoons over the year on top of that.

I am trying to get 40 medals by the end of 2018. I have 22 so far and so have another 18 to get in almost two years.

TheFlis12345 Thu 23-Feb-17 13:15:43

So actually, if you exclude the events the kids will be joining, it's 4 half days in a year? He is being ridiculous and selfish.

Butterymuffin Thu 23-Feb-17 13:17:07

He's being unreasonable. A comparable amount of time taken up by husbands doing a hobby (and my, there are a HELL of a lot of those on here) would be deemed permissible. It's when it gets to being all day Saturday pretty much every Saturday that posters are encouraged to challenge it.

WhoKn0wsWhereTheTimeG0es Thu 23-Feb-17 13:17:26

It's not just going to be 6 if you have to finish your 40 in the next year, but if they are local, half days and not too many consecutive weeks then it doesn't seem too unreasonable. I can see that if you had loads booked in August and it was making organising holidays tricky that might be an issue. Presumably you do all the holiday childcare too, he's lucky you teach rather than have a 5 week holiday job.

Saucery Thu 23-Feb-17 13:17:43

YANBU, he is.

Butterymuffin Thu 23-Feb-17 13:19:16

Although I agree that 40 events in a year sounds a lot, and is more like the scenario where it's too much time devoted to one person's hobby. But your current schedule of events seems perfectly fine.

TooTiredTeacher Thu 23-Feb-17 13:21:51

Well to be honest, he's never really been terribly supportive about things I've done. Even before kids he'd never come and support me at races or horse riding events. He seems to resent me doing stuff without him but at the same time isn't interested in finding things we can do together. He's free to pursue things he wants to do but just doesn't bother and sits at home instead.

I just can't see how 6 half days out of 52 weeks is unreasonable. Maybe I am being selfish and am just not seeing it? sad

HermioneJeanGranger Thu 23-Feb-17 13:23:20

Are people not reading the OP? It's not 40 events in year - she wants to get 40 medals by her 40th birthday - she's got 22 already and she's not even 39 yet!

No OP, YANBU. If it was several evenings a week plus full days at the weekend, I would say it was selfish, but a couple of weekend mornings/afternoons to yourself is definitely not a lot to ask for.

unicornsIlovethem Thu 23-Feb-17 13:23:21

I don't think you're selfish - i think he is.

Good luck with your events and challenge!

KoalaDownUnder Thu 23-Feb-17 13:24:43

YANBU. He's being selfish.

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