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AIBU?

AIBU to expect my MIL to look after my DC for a couple of hours while we look after her elderly, frail sister?

87 replies

Semiurban · 23/02/2017 12:23

I’m feeling hurt and angry with my in-laws and DH. MIL has always been critical of me and undermines me. On our wedding day she came out after the church service and quizzed my closest friend about whether I would look after her DS properly. I’m a second wife. His first wife was treated similarly until they divorced. Now she can do no wrong.

Everything has to revolve around MIL. She is controlling and my DH can’t see it. He tells me she is sweet and kind, in the absence of all evidence to the contrary. Because of her propensity for drama and tears disrupting every family celebration and fun time, I have very little to do with her. I see her about twice a year. I have posted about her before when she invited us to come to her for lunch, only to tell us after we’d driven 100 miles that we were in a restaurant that didn’t allow dogs. She’d previously said I should bring the dog. She and my DCs and DH ate (for over two hours!) while I sat in the bar area with the dog. I was made to feel really awful for this and DH told me off for being too rigid and making a fuss. I didn’t fuss. I just sat.

To the current upset: MIL has an older sister in her 80s who is a widow and has no children. I’ll call her Aunty J. Aunty J and I have a warmer relationship and speak on the phone regularly. We remember each others birthdays and she seems genuinely interested in the DCs and supportive of us as a family. We are not massively close, but she was like a second mum to my DH when he was growing up and I have a lot of feelings of care and respect towards her.

Aunty J has been ill. She had a series of falls last year and a hip replacement and has osteoporosis. We live about 150 miles away. MIL, FIL, SIL and BIL are all a few miles from Aunty J. This week Aunty J told me she had fractured several vertebrae and is bed bound. She sounded very low and not her usual self. DH and I are worried about her. MIL hasn’t visited her in weeks, as she doesn’t want to impose. Her words.

I suggested that we visit this weekend, to see if Aunty J needs care, help with washing, sheets changed, food cooked, or if we need to get carers in, which I suspect we do. I would gladly bring her back to live with us for a while if she wanted that, but I am not sure she would want to do that.

My MIL and FIL live in a four bedroom house but whenever we visit we cannot stay with them, “because we are not equipped”. They invite us for lunch and then grumble about how much effort it is “to entertain”. My MIL does not cook, she heats ready meals. In the past she tried to feed my 18 month DD a packet of digestive biscuits because she hadn’t bought any food for her, even though DD ate most of whatever we would be eating, MIL told me biscuits would be more nourishing and cried when I took the biscuits away. If I challenge anything, she bursts into tears and accuses me of being aggressive. So whenever we visit, I now take my own food, activities for my DCs and am polite for a few hours, while feeling quite disappointed that this is their relationship with their grandparents. My ILs do not interact with the DC at all, except to sort of “coo” over them in an “ooh, isn’t she pretty/ clever” kind of way.

My FIL has never hugged, picked up or cuddled my DCs. He tried to shake DD (5) hand and she laughed at him and gave him a kiss. He tried to shoo her away when she wanted to cuddle him. It makes me tearful recollecting it.

So, this weekend we are driving on Saturday night as I am working on Saturday, putting the dog in kennels overnight, staying in a hotel that is expensive for us to do, and then seeing Aunty J the following morning. I asked MIL if she would help look after my two youngest (2 and 5) while we see what needs doing at Aunty J and MIL told me not to impose and that she didn't know them well enough to be left with them. I was upset and my Dh took her side and told me not to expect too much and that it is my decision “to impose”. DH told me I have to make another plan for the DCs. He also wants them to come with us so they have an opportunity to see his parents as apparently MIL is sad she doesn't get to see them more often.

I am worried that we have an elderly relative in her 80s who is immobile and in pain and just wanted to be met part way in an attempt to look after her. However, DH and I had a big argument last night and he says because his DM cherished him when he was a boy, I need to respect her. I said respect had to be earned. AIBU?

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Soubriquet · 23/02/2017 12:29

Actually I'm surprised you want your MIL to have your children in the first place

She obviously not taking their care seriously

I wouldn't want her to have them alone and I'm normally the one telling people that MIL's should be able to see grandchildren