Anyone else play the 'who's more stressed' game with their spouse?

[MadJeffBarn]

It's been a hard week. We're both tired. We've had a lot of furniture delivered, and so we've had to do alot of sorting, tidying, rearranging, and time management. I also work full time while dh has the kids. Today it seems the stress has come to a head trying to build a bed. I feel I have more right to be tired because I work, look after the kids on my days off, tip runs, aswell as all the tidying and sorting, and night feeds. Dh feels he's more tired because of looking after the kids while I've been at work, as well as building the furniture. He wanted a lie in this morning, and was woken up early by the kids as they went and jumped on him while I was on the loo. So he woke up in an utterly foul mood. I tried explaining that we're both tired and stressed and we should try and be kind to each other but he's in such an awful mood he's threatening to leave because he's sick of the tidying and sorting and basically being a grown up. It's now all adding to my stress. I hope we survive the day, we still have another bed, wardrobe and chest of drawers to put up

[TheMasterNotMargarita]

Ah it's crap isn't it?
Take it a bit at a time.
Lots of breaks for and .
Try and gets the laughs going even if you don't feel like it to start with. Whistle while you work and all that.

Or find a corner where you can scream into a pillow periodically😆

[DJBaggySmalls]

I was told to fuck off yesterday and had a meltdown. There is now an uneasy truce but its not looking good. I've moved beyond being able to laugh it off so thats not going to help.

[Rugbyplayersarehot]

Going forward never ever buy self assemble furniture. It's the death of a weekend and many a strong couple. Seriously we never do now.

Oak furniture land etc and buy on the knock. Totally worth it.

[LilacSpatula]

I'd try and lighten the mood. Whack on some music and have a competition to see who can make the drawers fastest. Hope it goes well...

[DontTouchTheMoustache]

Have you taken the day off to build it? If so could you do something nice like go for a nice pub lunch to break the day up and give yourselves a break? I don't think one person has to be 'more' stressed. I think you just need to acknowledge that you are both shattered and it's rubbish but needs must. Maybe put some loud music on and have a few beers while.you build the furniture together to try and make it a bit more fun?

[OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira]

We play this game! No one ever wins though ffs!



No advice accept take some shit off your to do list and have a bit of reconnecting time - always cheers me up!

[SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter]

No we don't play it, we are both back at work full time now dd at nursery and still don't play it! As you say you are both allowed to be tired for whatever reason there is no competition.

Assuming you do your fair share around the house as well as working generally , then it's probably just the added stress of furniture building and everythingbthis week. We all get pushed to our stress limits sometimes

Hope you survive the day ☕🍰🍫🍪

[Hellmouth]

Admittedly, no. I think that's mainly because I know that no matter how stressed I feel, it can't compare to how he's feeling. His dad died a couple of months ago and his mum is really ill. So even if I've had a bad day at the moment, I just try to let it go and focus on what I can do to make him feel less on edge.

Put some music, it's a great stress reliever. At the moment, I'm listening to Metal Goddesses on Spotify :D

[Pinkheart5915]

We don't play, we are both tired for different reasons and we don't make it a competition. Neither of you has a right to be more tired, your are a partnership and both do things to the family ( that might be working, looking after dc etc)

Ahhh flat pack furniture is the absolute worst, we learnt a long time ago to not buy flat pack or if we do pay someone else to put it together.

Could you spare a few hours today to take a break from it, nice lunch? Put on some energising music ( eye of the tiger etc) when doing the furniture

[LilacSpatula]

I have an 11 week old DD and have decided recently to ban myself from saying "The T word". I might be tired but I got so bored of hearing it (out of my own mouth), it doesn't help and it makes you feel worse. Maybe try that?

[NoSquirrels]

Poor you! Poor DH. You're both right, but you're more right cos you haven't threatened to leave over flat-pack furniture building.

My DH and I do not assemble furniture together. I will consent to join only for very brief periods of 2-person critical moments. See also, furniture removal/moving. We're not great at that sort of team work

Is it totally urgent? Can you not leave it today and regroup tomorrow? One day of boxes/unassembled furniture won't matter, will it? Go out and do something fun together.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Competitive stress/tiredness never works! Took me several years to stop trying to play the game, though.

You're both allowed to be tired and fed up. That's life. You're right that you need to support each other and be nice, but telling someone that when they're exhausted and have been woken up by hyper children is probably never going to go down well!

And YY, never buy stuff that needs putting together, or if you do, leave one person to do it, and the other person should take the DC out of the room and leave them too it. DP and I had a monumental row recently when we tried to build one of those fancy cat-scratching posts

When we bought the coffee table, I took myself off for a bath and left him to it!

[AldrinJustice]

Yep...although it usually goes like this

DH: "I'm so exhausted, work was tough"
Me: "well I've had 2 hours less sleep than you, went to work, cooked food, bathed DD, and played with her for an hour"
DH: "...it's not a competition"

I make it a thing so he can't complain about his tiredness without listening to what tiredness ACTUALLY is

[AldrinJustice]

Forgot to add if he is in a strop don't entertain it. DH goes into mass relaxation mode after work but it's not fair on either of you if you don't pull together on this. It's tough, but he needs to realise life can't just stop because he's tired. There will still be stuff to do around the house

[Eatingcheeseontoast]

Yep, exactly here at the moment, competitive stress.

And I can't be having it worse than DH, who to be fair is having a crap time at the moment, so I always have to be upbeat and positive - which is not my natural state at all. I'm an Eeyore.

We had a calm conversation (or several) about remembering to be nice to each other. It really helps if we get out of the house.

Last night blew my top - not helpful. But made up, sort of, before going to bed.

[Eatingcheeseontoast]

Put on 'love's not a competition, but I'm winning' by Snow Patrol - loudly.

[Eatingcheeseontoast]

Oh, and don't buy flatpack furniture. It's cheaper to buy it ready made than getting a divorce.

[Rugbyplayersarehot]

My daughters boyfriend is 17 and absolutkry loves putting flat pack together. Strange boy.

[EffieIsATrinket]

Or find a handyman to build it for you.

'One off' outsourcings can save a lot of hassle - whether 'getting a man in', going out for a meal, have a twice yearly garden cutback/oven clean/getting rubbish collected from house rather than going to the tip.

I find I can stay on top of normal day-to-day stuff but the bigger events such as decorating, new furnishings, home improvements can be the proverbial straw.

[unicorn5629]

I second what others have said... flat pack furniture never ends well... does any one have the "you're not holding it properly" whilst assisting... that makes me mad !!! Noooo ... it's both of us thank you very much ! And he's physically stronger than me ! Booooo.....

Aaaanyway ! Yes it's very easy to get into tiredness competitions... I've spent entire nights up with the baby cursing his name and plotting revenge... then he'll come downstairs (he's a relatively early riser !) when he's not at work take baby off me and say right ! Off to bed! Then I feel bad on my way to my nap... damn him!

Sorry ! That went a bit ranty! Bit of give and take totally the way forward!!

[tinymeteor]

Yes, and I'm winning...

Get a babysitter and go for some beers together.

[laureywilliams]

I have friends who do it. Its tedious. No one ever wins.

[BeIIatrixLeStrange]

No one has more 'right' to feel anything, you are BOTH stressed

The only way you are going to win today is to shelve the plans of building furniture and decompress..together

[FeralBeryl]

Yep - we call it the Competitive Tiredness game here.
I win every time


Not really - but I am better at spotting the game is imminent and take measures to remove ourselves from each other before we say or do regretful things.