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To cancel these plans ?

(79 Posts)
Babybubblescomingsoon Wed 22-Feb-17 15:00:58

Backstory : I was with a guy for 3 years. However in the last year he became obsessed with his religion and wouldn't so much as hold my hand in private as it was 'setting a bad example to the world'. Anyway we grew apart and broke up. He said being in a relationship wasn't appropriate but he may decide propose in a few years anyway so I shouldn't date anyone else in the meantime . I don't need that s**t in my life so knew I had to move on. Initially devestated to have lost my best friend but I am now in a very happy and loving relationship with 'the one', I am 500% convinced it was the right thing.

Ex and I used to be members of the same friendship group from the church ( I went along because I knew it meant a lot to him and wanted to support him) I asked to meet one of the girls for a drink tomorrow evening, she said 'that sounds good, I'll invite some others shall I? We're all at church beforehand so we can come after.' She then asked if there was anyone I didn't want her to invite (knowing ex and I aren't exactly friends). She hasn't invited ex because she knows I would feel weird about it. However the problem is, since losing me, ex-bf has realised that I'm not planning on coming back, and doesn't truly believe I'm happy without him. I've seen him once properly since we broke up, upon asking how I am, I said 'really good thanks!' His response? 'I don't believe you, I know you're good at hiding things'. Although I am genuinely thrilled with my life without him. Our friendship group keeps telling me how much he cares about me and misses me. Although he hasn't been invited tomorrow, I know he'll end up tagging along (under the suggestion of my friends) in the hope I'll see sense and run back to him. They're basically just concerned that I have decided Christianity isn't for me, so how can I possibly be happy with my new boyfriend? I'm worried if I don't want to see him, they'll assume I'm not over him. But at the same time, I'm moving on with my life, and don't want to have to sit around a table with the guy who destroyed my confidence because he wouldn't even touch me for the last year of our relationship. Wwyd? Sorry for the long post!!!

gleam Wed 22-Feb-17 15:03:56

Why not say you'd rather just meet this one girl for a catch-up?

xStefx Wed 22-Feb-17 15:04:46

OMG.i can see why you don't know what to do. I wouldn't go, say something urgent has come up and leave them all to it. You don't have to give your reasons to anyone, just say something urgent has come up and I cant make it.

gleam Wed 22-Feb-17 15:05:07

Can you rearrange the time so it's not just after church?

Babybubblescomingsoon Wed 22-Feb-17 15:08:14

I tried to suggest a one on one meeting, however I think the plan is to get me to 'Miss' church life etc and she thinks she can get me back if I'm approached by a group. I feel like I'm running away from a cult blush she originally asked to meet either tonight or Friday night but I'm working so had to cancel both. If I cancel tomorrow, she'll know something is up sad

gleam Wed 22-Feb-17 15:13:10

If you rearrange, rather than cancel, she might not think anything other than you're ill/overloaded with work?

What happens if you say outright that you only want a one to one meeting? If she rides roughshod over your request, I'd be rethinking meeting her at all.

BaronessBomburst Wed 22-Feb-17 15:14:06

I think you are running away from a cult. confused
Her friendship is always going to come at a price; she'll want to lure you 'back' to the church, and your ex will always be lurking in the background.
You just have to decide if you want to pay that price and see her, or if you would prefer to break all ties.

MiddleClassProblem Wed 22-Feb-17 15:14:17

It doesn't sound like a fun evening either way but it also doesn't sound like you are super close. If you really want to see her and don't mind the promo from the others I'd just ask for him not to come. It doesn't matter what they or he thinks about you being over him. He can't force you to be with him anyway so just crack on and let them believe what they want. Besides, seeing you they might just see how happy you are anyway.

pasturesgreen Wed 22-Feb-17 15:15:15

Frankly, I wouldn't make an effort to keep up a friendship with the sort of people you describe.

I'd cancel without qualms.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 22-Feb-17 15:18:58

So what?
You don't want to go.
You don't want to be pressured.
Will you be taking your current BF?

geordiedench Wed 22-Feb-17 15:19:43

Ew. Why are you meeting up with them? They sound really self-absorbed and unbalanced. You don't have to be maniacal and repressed to have Christian faith. They sound like the kind of people who use Christianity as a vehicle for their own neuroses. Steer clear.

xStefx Wed 22-Feb-17 15:23:07

Yep, on 2nd thoughts break ties. Find a new church. If she has an ulterior motive for meeting apart from friendship then don't waste your time.

DonaldStott Wed 22-Feb-17 15:23:09

Just go no contact. If you feel like you have ran away from a cult, stay the hell away from them.

amusedbush Wed 22-Feb-17 15:28:15

Crikey, it does sound like you're running away from a cult! Fuck that.

Megatherium Wed 22-Feb-17 15:29:18

If you really think she only wants to meet you to entice you back to church, there is just no point in meeting her. But if you do want to meet her, tell her that you don't want to meet ex under any circumstances and therefore to avoid embarrassment it's going to be best if you meet on your own. If she doesn't want to do that, just cancel and tell her that is why.

Peanutandphoenix Wed 22-Feb-17 15:31:41

My advice stay the fuck away from all of them they all sound unhinged especially you ex.

SpongebobRoundPants Wed 22-Feb-17 15:32:17

Just tell her you've converted to a different religion and you feel much better for it!

tiggytape Wed 22-Feb-17 15:34:36

Why cannot you just meet up for a drink without making it all about the wider group? And if you can't, maybe she's not really up for a friendship with you outside that group.
The only more 'innocent' reason she might be pushing you and ex back is if she gets the impression you're very flattered by someone who tells everyone you're meant to be together in which case she may think she's doing you a favour getting you back together?
In any case, it all sounds like a massive hassle and much easier just to blow out.

ScarlettFreestone Wed 22-Feb-17 15:36:28

I'm a Christian. Cancel your plans and stay away from these people.

It's not a real friendship if it's only worthwhile to her if you go to her church. They sound highly manipulative.

That was absolutely not how Jesus behaved.

If you want to continue with Christianity go find another church. This is not how most Christians behave.

In the meantime, spend time with friends who don't put conditions on your friendship and who value your actual happiness and well being.

ApplePaltrow21 Wed 22-Feb-17 15:37:14

Hillsong?

Tell them you've become a gay muslim but are flirting with atheism. Block them ALL and move on with your life.

EweAreHere Wed 22-Feb-17 15:39:34

I think you need to look elsewhere for some new friends.

decemberdaze Wed 22-Feb-17 15:41:15

Yes, cancel. You don't need any coercion at this stage in your life however 'well meaning' these old contacts imply they are: evangelism is a major cornerstone of Christian witness as you will be aware.

Staying in contact with an Ex is never a good idea, especially one like yours.

MatildaTheCat Wed 22-Feb-17 15:44:43

What scarlett said.

Do you feel a need to prove to these people that you are happy without them? Otherwise I can't see why you want to meet up now. It's not just a catch up at all, it's them trying to show you the error of your ways and you trying to prove you don't need their ways.

All unnecessary and childish. Cancel and do something you might actually enjoy.

Babybubblescomingsoon Wed 22-Feb-17 15:56:35

Thanks everybody. I think I'll have to cancel. I feel bad because during the break up this girl helped me a lot, however the second I decided Christianity just wasn't for me, they drew away and kept me at arms length, like I've just moved in with the devil or something! grin

diddl Wed 22-Feb-17 16:01:08

"Frankly, I wouldn't make an effort to keep up a friendship with the sort of people you describe."

Absolutely that!

"Our friendship group keeps telling me how much he cares about me and misses me. "

They really aren't your friends imo.

Relationships end, people move on.

I couldn't be with people who kept dragging up my past relationships-especially if it was with a view to getting me bak with someone I had dumped!

I mean he actually asked you to not date & to wait around in case he might propose???

And they all think that that was OK??

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