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To ask how you did it. How you ended it?

(17 Posts)
Mejustmeok Wed 22-Feb-17 00:00:47

I'll probably get told off about this not being in 'Relationships' but I wanted to reach all the people that have gone through similar.
I've been with my partner for nearly 10 years. We have two children together.
I think I want to leave him (or ask him to leave). I can't seem to muster up the courage to do it.
I worry about everything that will follow. How it will affect the children, the change, the fallout, the money. I try and think of the positives but then think oh I'll just carry on.
Here's the thing, I do love him. I think. He's just no good for anything apart from earning his wage and 'babysitting' while I work. It sounds harsh but is very true. I have put up with this for so long that I don't think it will ever change. He knows he does nothing to help but still carries on even though I have made noises about it recently. He obviously doesn't care that it upsets me so I think I've given up on that route.
So how do I do it? How do I commit to stopping the 'just a bit longer'? What was the trigger of your decisions? I don't think I can do it!

Pollyanna12345 Wed 22-Feb-17 00:58:57

If you love him would counselling not be an idea before breaking up?

Flum Wed 22-Feb-17 01:01:31

That does not sound like a good enough reason to break a family up. I think counselling woukd be a better idea.

nelipotter Wed 22-Feb-17 12:35:42

I realised that if I was still with him at my next birthday, I would never forgive myself.
Things moved quickly after that.
flowers
There's a whole other world out there. If he won't change, you will have to. good luck.

ShaniaTwang Wed 22-Feb-17 12:47:47

If you still love him, it's not an abusive relationship and the kids are not being negatively affected, I would say counselling, working at it, making time for each other, etc. Best of luck.

ShaniaTwang Wed 22-Feb-17 12:49:20

Ps leaving dh was and is the hardest thing I have ever done, and do as in majority parenting, the financial fall out, protecting the kids. If you've any option not to do it, I wouldn't.

Footyfan16 Wed 22-Feb-17 13:29:15

Few questions here, does he work? When you say he does nothing, you mean he doesn't provide you any emotional support? he doesn't make you laugh? he doesn't listen to you?

Mooey89 Wed 22-Feb-17 13:33:41

He strangled me. I packed my bags, took the baby, and moved in with my mum. I'm now with an amazing wonderful man and am so happy.

Think long and hard about what you want, I would consider counselling too.

Good luck.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst Wed 22-Feb-17 13:34:19

Counselling may be an idea, but if he doesn't engage or refuses to work with you on the relationship, then I'd leave.

If the other person doesn't want to work on the relationship with you, that is a good enough reason to end it.

LucklessMonster Wed 22-Feb-17 13:43:41

Similar story for me. My husband was/is mostly a good person, but I got nothing from the relationship. I stayed for years because I was worried about the same things as you, particularly dropping down to one income with a dependent to support.

He made it easy for me - he stormed off in a sulk one day after a fight, and I told him not to come back. Nine months on he's still asking to come back, but I am SO much happier without him. A relationship doesn't have to abusive to be unhappy.

Mejustmeok Wed 22-Feb-17 13:49:31

Thanks for the replies.
He works full time and I work part time. It is not an abusive relationship although he can be manipulative by using his sulky moods to get his own way. When I say he does nothing, I mean he does nothing but work. When at home he will do the kids tea twice a week when I work in an evening and that's it. He does nothing around the house. Shows little interest in the children, doing the bare minimum before bed. He even finds it too much effort to get them to brush their teeth before bed. Things like that's. I organise everything, household wise too. I'm just so tired of it. And when I'm tidying up in the day I find myself thinking how much less I'd have to do without my '3rd childs' mess. I feel so resentful.
I think I will approach the subject of counseling with him, but he doesn't see a problem. He loves me, I love him, it's that simple apparently.

Mejustmeok Wed 22-Feb-17 13:52:25

LucklessMonster I constantly wish for that chance to be brave enough to say the words. I feel like I can't say anything unless it's in a fit of rage, but I know that's not the best time to say something important.

PurpleWithRed Wed 22-Feb-17 13:57:48

You have three options
- carry on as you are forever
- work up a plan for living without him then tell him you are splitting
- tell him you are very unhappy, and unless he comes to counselling with you you will be talking to a mediator about a fair split

Personally I think the last is the best option here.

ShaniaTwang Wed 22-Feb-17 14:46:04

Lots of interesting thoughts about this kind of domestic set up on here... the blog 'I left him because he left the dishes on the side' has been said to be helpful. Also long thread about incompetent husband and divorcing was helpful to me, I don't know how to link.
The consensus as I understand it, is that it is massively disrespectful to you and your time, indeed your life, not to contibute domestically.

I have a lot more spare time now not clearing up daily after ex. But it was impossible for me to stay in many, many other ways.

ButtonBoo Wed 22-Feb-17 16:30:23

I knew that things wouldn't change and didn't want that to be my life, for the rest of my life IYSWIM.

WhiskeySourpuss Wed 22-Feb-17 16:38:00

He made it quite easy... the only new year we could spend together in the entire 10 years of our relationship & he chose to go out with his brother for his birthday wasn't even a special birthday so I text to say if he wasn't home by 10pm not to bother coming back... got a reply at 11.30 saying he was heading home & told him not to bother I had packed his bags & was going to bed.

5 years on & I don't regret it as I've realised that he was a selfish cuntpuddle throughout our relationship!

BeaderBird Wed 22-Feb-17 18:56:37

My decision was made when I found myself hiding/crying in a pub toilet on NYE. I promised myself that within a year I would be out and the next day I started to make a plan - it was like a switch had been flicked.

You don't sound like you want to leave but you sound like you are at the end of your tether. Talk to him and tell him what you are thinking - it's worth giving him a proper wake up call before you end it.

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