To be struggling with my teen dss

[Nkelly1]

I am a parent to two teenagers and a stepparent to dss aged 16.

He is really hard work, I mean really hard. He can be really rude and nasty and be lovely the next minute. He will pull tantrums if me and dh or me and my dc and dh do anything he doesn't agree or want to do. For example on a cinema trip if we all want to see one movie and he wants to see another he will act up and try and bully his way into controlling anything. If we go against his wishes on things like family outings (we don't give in because you don't do that with tantrums since it tends to make them happen more) he will try and guilt dh or us into giving him his way. He is very inconsiderate like that.

I partly think that is a result of him being spoilt by his Mum but I don't know and it doesn't matter how it started it needs to be tackled now.

He had an argument with my dd's boyfriend (who are same age dd and ds are twins aged 17 same school year). This was over dd's boyfriend taking one of dss's granola bars (i know stupid). I said to dss I would get some more when I go shopping. He went really mad at dd's boyfriend and made my dd cry who offered him the bar. Dd's boyfriend is now too scared to come round when dss is here.

There is also strange behaviour going on when it comes to me. He refused to get a lift to school from me when the buses were not running as was late instead. My mother died a month ago and he didn't show any sort of empathy to me or my dc and didn't come to the funeral which really annoyed me and my family and my mum always welcomed him. He did turn up to the hotel the reception was being held at only after dh had to basically force him to. He sat in the corner with an awful grumpy face cause he wanted to go to the gym. This caused animosity with my family who tried to make an effort talking to him despite the disrespect. He only gave one word answers and was on his phone the whole time. I couldn't care because it was about my mum that day but dh was mortified at the behaviour.

He was diagnosed with depression a year ago and has received therapy for that and he can easily slip into a depression but he is a lot better. I don't want to appear that I'm having a go at the boy but it needs to stop. I would like to say that at times he can be wonderful though.

[Thattimeofyearagain]

Is he receiving any support for the depression?

[user1477282676]

Could he have Aspergers? I know that sounds blunt but the sticking to rules thing (re Granola) and the not being flexible re. cinema, sounds a bit like my nephew who has Aspergers.

[Nkelly1]

Could he have Aspergers? I know that sounds blunt but the sticking to rules thing (re Granola) and the not being flexible re. cinema, sounds a bit like my nephew who has Aspergers.

No not aspergers my nephew had aspergers because he's not rigid he's just very controlling and selfish and will not give a damn about how his actions effect overs. He's flexible when he doesn't care about something when he wants something.

[Nkelly1]

He does receive support and sees a counsellor.

[VaginaSuprise]

Have you been in his life for a long time?

[WeddingsAreStressful]

How long has he been like this?

[Underthemoonlight]

How long you been in his life was intergrated into your side of the family? It sounds like he doesn't feel particularly comfortable attending your DM funeral because he wasn't close to her. TBH he sounds like a typical teenager who maybe feeling like an outsider within your family unit, why not allow him to pick the film? Remember your DC see you every day he doesn't get the same opportunities with his father. Do him and his dad do activities together on a one to one basis? I do think your abit mean to blame the mother your don't have an idea how she parents and I find it a little unfair you can blame her for his behaviour.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Try not to take it personally. Puberty can be a bastard, some young people sail through it and some turn into dicks.

"He will pull tantrums if me and dh or me and my dc and dh do anything he doesn't agree or want to do."
I must admit when I read that, this phrase from my childhood sprang to mind - 'Who died and made you God?'. Heard whenever someone was trying to push others around and just generally being bossy. You're doing the right thing not giving in to the tantrums.

Do you know what sparked the depression?

[bumsexatthebingo]

Does he ever get to choose thing like films or family outings or is it always a case of him being outnumbered by everyone else?

[Nkelly1]

He does do things with his father. He was integrated into my family pretty well I've been his stepmother for 6 years.

[Underthemoonlight]

TBH he was 10 when you meet So meeting your extended family at such an older age it's likely he won't be particularly close to them than say a younger child would have especially if he's only seeing them every so often when he comes to your house. How often does he come to stay?


As op said why not let him choose the film one time it sounds to be he's feels like he's outnumbered by everyone and is expressing himself in a negative way possibly because of his history of depression it's likely he feels insecure about his place within his family.

[Nkelly1]

As op said why not let him choose the film one time it sounds to be he's feels like he's outnumbered

This is just not the case he gets his choice times. He does not get outnumbered either.

[DoloresTheRunawayTrain]

You mentioned the gym. Does he take this seriously? Could he be taking steroids? I know it's easy to look for anything else to blame the behaviour on, but to behave in such an extreme way that your peers are afraid of you, could mean something else is at play.
It could of course just be the normal horrendous teenage puberty and the self-centeredness and total lack of empathy that come with it.

[Lemond1fficult]

I think he's just a teenage dick. I was a total arsehole for most of my teenage years - lack of empathy, never thought of anyone but myself, hostile, self-important. I look back and shudder.

He might grow out of it - I'm lovely now!

[Nkelly1]

I think steroids is a bit too far tbh. I've seen no evidence of it.

In regards to peers he has very few friends in his year with most of his friends in the year above.

[Nkelly1]

Did he buy them himself?
No he didn't.

He never says sorry to anything gets really nasty and aggressive. He walks round with a defensive attitude the slightest criticism or thing against him is met with a over zealous attack back.

[Nkelly1]

He is exhausting and we are all sick of it.

[Isadora2007]

He sounds very angry and i wonder if he can explain why.
Putting yourself into his shoes for a bit- try to imagine being 10. And your dad living with twins age 11. So your own dad doesn't see you every day but he sees them.
When you go to stay you are expected to "be a family" but really you're a visitor. It's not your house and so you get petty about the few things you feel are yours like granola bars. If you weren't there they might not even have those bars so they're yours.

[malificent7]

Cant he go and see thevfilm of his choice and you ho aand see the film of your choice. He is 16 after all. He is more than capable of a bit of independance.

I know this is hard but perhaps he dosnt feel ready to be part of a step family despite your best efforts. Sounds tough though!

[pinkie1982]

When I read OP I thought steroids too TBH. Same reactions as my cousin when he started going to the gym, turned out he had a pretty big stash in his room and started taking them months before and hid it well.