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Or rather, is it unreasonable to...

(18 Posts)
GoldenOrb Tue 21-Feb-17 15:54:34

...tell your children that you have missed them when they come back from being with the other parent in the case of divorced/separated parents?

DrunkenMissOrderly Tue 21-Feb-17 15:56:00

I don't think it's particularly helpful for the child.

HallowedMimic Tue 21-Feb-17 15:56:19

Is it making them feel bad/guilty?

harderandharder2breathe Tue 21-Feb-17 15:56:52

Young children can feel bad if they think their other parent is missing them when they're not there.

DrunkenMissOrderly Tue 21-Feb-17 15:58:27

Whoops, posted too soon. Was going to add some shit about it could start making them feel anxious or guilty about going etc. I think it has the possibility of adding extra pressure to a situation. A big hug and a did you have a nice time is probably better.

TwitterQueen1 Tue 21-Feb-17 15:58:45

It's not helpful as ^ says. Better to ask if they had a lovely time, and ask them what they did (unless they are teenagers of course! in which case say nothing at all..).

Love51 Tue 21-Feb-17 15:59:29

I wouldn't make a habit of it. It depends on delivery and motivation. If you are reassuring then that you noticed they were gone and are pleased they are back, it might be ok. Not the best terminology though.

Leggit Tue 21-Feb-17 16:03:38

I tell my kids I have missed them when they have been anywhere overnight or that. I don't think it's unhelpful to make your child feel secure. Where they have been is irrelevant, if you miss them you can tell them

BitchPeas Tue 21-Feb-17 16:09:19

I say it to DS when he's been to his dads, or he's stayed with my DParents or something. More in a conversational way with did you have a nice time, what did you get up to etc etc all lighthearted and non emotional.

Getting emotional and teary and saying it is a different thing I think. That would cause guilt and anxiety imo.

abbsisspartacus Tue 21-Feb-17 16:12:17

My kids ask they say I missed you so I say I miss you too I would be a right cunt to say no to that wouldn't i

GoldenOrb Tue 21-Feb-17 16:14:19

abbsisspartacus I think that is different because they are saying it first.

toastymarshmallow Tue 21-Feb-17 16:16:41

Do you have children that spend regular time with their other parent leggit?

A sleepover is not the same as regular contact with their other parent.

IME it puts a lot of pressure on the child. I tell my DD every so often that we miss her when she is away but that we are happy that she is spending time with her dad. But on a regular weekly basis I ask did she have a nice time, discuss anything she wants to discuss and leave it at that.

I do think that there is a happy medium with saying things like "I love you" or "I miss you" in general though. If said too much it feels like the child is an emotional crutch for the parent which is as unhealthy as never hearing it at all IMO.

luckylucky24 Tue 21-Feb-17 16:20:15

I tell my kids I miss them all the time. Even if I was at work and them nursery. I am still with their Dad but would probably still say it. It wouldn't cross my mind that this may upset them.

picklemepopcorn Tue 21-Feb-17 16:27:20

It's not unreasonable at all, assuming it's genuinely meant with no ulterior motive.
However it could be unhelpful if it intensifies the feelings of guilt and anxiety around separation.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Tue 21-Feb-17 16:31:25

DS1 goes to his father once a fortnight. When he comes home he always says "I missed you, I'm so glad to be home where I belong." (His words, not mine) and I always respond with "I missed you too, but I'm glad you had fun with Dad." even though his dad is a waste of fucking space and he does fuck all with DS1 yet demands "his rights"

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 21-Feb-17 16:35:20

Really depends on how it's said I think. We say it to my DSC when we haven't seen for longer than normal, e.g. when they went away with their Mum for a week. I never notice who says it first, it's just acknowledged that we're glad they had fun, missed them as we'd usually have seen them in that time, and are glad to see them again. The having missed is part of the happy to see them again.

Telling your DC you're going to miss them loads and cry and be upset when they're going away isn't helpful to them, you're loading them up with guilt for having a relationship with both parents. But when you're seeing them again, of course it's fine and nice to say you missed them.

Again, as long as its focussed on what they did and other positive things, not that you stayed in and did nothing because you were so distraught. Even if you were. Children don't need that.

GoldenOrb Tue 21-Feb-17 19:05:24

Thanks. Your opinions pretty much match mine.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 22-Feb-17 13:15:45

Has someone been telling you not to tell your DC you miss them OP?

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