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AIBU for what I do for DP

(81 Posts)
harrypotternerd Tue 21-Feb-17 14:08:43

I was talking to a friend today and we were talking about relationships and how relationships have changed over the years. I made a comment that I make my DP a coffee when he gets home from work and cook most nights. My friend said 'well good way to set feminism back 50 years'.

Backstory: I am a sahm and my DP is an electrician so does manual labour. I do the housework, cook most nights and do the majority of childcare. I do not have a problem with this at all. My DP will call me when he finishes work as it varies each day depending on what he is doing, he will also tell me approx. how long it will take him to get home because he works all over the place. I generally have just finished making him a coffee or will make him one when he gets home, I also have normally started cooking. My friend thinks I am 'too 50s housewife' and I do not have to wait on him hand and foot. I don't feel like I do this, on days he does not work he will cook, make me coffee, look after kids so I have a break etc so really I guess me question is does anyone else do this or is it just me?

LouLouLoveHeart Tue 21-Feb-17 14:13:20

First of all you need to tell your friend to mind her own bloody business.

It's sounds like you have a perfectly balanced and mutually agreeable division of chores. And surely that's what's important? Not who does what but that everything gets done and everyone is happy with the agreed arrangements.

And I'm sure you're not the only one.

Gowgirl Tue 21-Feb-17 14:13:34

I do all the housework,childcare and majority of the cooking, that's being a sahp to me, dh works and pays the bills. I wouldn't like to walk in from work to a shit tip and start cooking which is why I had a cleaner and ready meals when I worked ft

katand2kits Tue 21-Feb-17 14:14:09

I do all my husbands laundry. He does all our gardening, well over half the cooking, plus various other tasks. Making someone a drink is not 50s housewife, its juyst thoughtful, if it works both ways. Yes, you do have a more traditional set up than her, but if he is not taking the piss that is fine.

xStefx Tue 21-Feb-17 14:14:52

I work part time 3 days Monday - Wednesday, Dh works full time

He cooks those 3 days (mon - wed) and I cook the other 4 (as im not working those days)

If I was SAHM I would cook everyday yes and do all the cleaning. However when we both worked full time we shared everything down the middle.. Washing/ cleaning... the lot

If he is working, then you work in the home.. your friend is being silly saying its about feminism
Its about supporting each other

Gowgirl Tue 21-Feb-17 14:15:15

He's not allowed to meddle with my garden either grin

OurBlanche Tue 21-Feb-17 14:15:25

Well, I have been flamed for this before but I always thought of feminism as being about equal rights and choice.

So, if you want to make him coffee, be a homemaker, SAHM then it is fine, your life, your free choice... or your choice as a couple to make family life possible.

It stops being fine if/when you want to change and he has a problem with that.

Nobody, male or female, should ever be made to feel ashamed of their informed life choices. Your friend needs to think about why she felt the need to say that and why your chosen way of living annoys her.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer Tue 21-Feb-17 14:16:30

I was told i had put feminism back 100 years as i dont put petrol in the car

I tend to ignore idiots

Gowgirl Tue 21-Feb-17 14:19:49

rufus I will only use attended pumps grin
My dsis keeps on about getting a job, I tell her I already have one and I have great plans when all the dcs are in school....i will drink an entire cup of tea....while its hot! And have a wee alone

Rainydayspending Tue 21-Feb-17 14:22:37

It's entirely fine to split the workload how you feel with your partner. If you're both happy and supported and appreciated etc. SHE on the other hand doesn't seem to respect that the two of you are both fulfilling valuable parts of your family's life. I am also sahm and generally make a coffee for dh when he gets home. We share cooking a lot because when on days he gets home by 4 and on nights he eats before work. He does also work away from home a lot. Enivitably i do more household tasks. But he is very well paid. Even before i left work he earns lots more than i could. Basically the childcare his job would need is ridiculous (weeks at a time etc) so it works that one of us is always available. I know if i earned more we'd be swapped. It's just practical where one partner has silly hours/ days for work. I provide a household that ticks over etc. We both get time out too.

SundialShadow Tue 21-Feb-17 14:24:26

Feminism is the right to choose... for men and women.

If you are being berated, manipulated or bullied into doing coffee/dinner, that would be a problem.

If you choose to do it happily and willingly, well done you are an advocate for Feminism.

It's that simplez

Any chance your friend was making an un-funny joke?

Helbelle75 Tue 21-Feb-17 14:27:24

I don't see anything wrong with it at all.
DH and I both work full time, but I'm usually home before he is. If I know he's had a stressful day, I'll have a drink ready for him, and will usually have made a start on tea.
On the other hand, he generally makes my sandwiches for pack up and does all of the washing up.
You do whatever works for you as a couple. It's nice to do things for the person you love, to make their life a bit more pleasant.

harrypotternerd Tue 21-Feb-17 14:30:12

I thought it was pretty normal but it just got me thinking, he does a lot for me on weekends and sometimes, if he knows I have had a bad day (9 year old with mh problems, 8 year old with autism and a 5 and 3 year old) he will grab some take away on his way home. I have decided to start studying from home 2 days a week and my DP is very supportive of that. My friend is one of those people who thinks all women should work and have their own money. My daughter has medical/mh appointments at least 1 day a week sometimes even more so it is not really practical for me to work right now. I guess I just needed to vent.

Gottagetmoving Tue 21-Feb-17 14:34:57

It sounds fair to me. If you are happy then no one can tell you it is not right!
Many couples are constantly arguing about who does what.
I would probably do what you are doing in your circumstances

largepinot Tue 21-Feb-17 14:35:26

OP, some people (like your friend) think that if you're a woman and you're doing housework, you're living in the 50's. To be blunt, that's bollocks!

The housework needs doing, whatever era you're in.

If you were doing everything, he never helped out, you made sure your rollers were out before he arrived home, greeted him with a scotch on his arrival and had sex on demand....she may have a point.

Your arrangement sounds perfectly fair to me.

harrypotternerd Tue 21-Feb-17 14:38:54

largepinot you did make me laugh, I am normally in sweatpants and a tank top. I could never be bothered with all that stuff lol.

maddiemookins16mum Tue 21-Feb-17 14:39:21

I do the same. My DP works harder, longer and earns more (not that the finances really matter). I'm home more (prime example being on MN mid afternoon on the sofa). DP at work for another 6 hours. Damn right I'll have a cup of tea waiting, dinner in the oven and packed lunch made for tomorrow. I've also washed DP's clothes, cleaned the house, been shopping and had a nice relaxing bath. Oh and DP will bring me tea in bed tomorrow when the alarm goes off, as per every morning.

1AnnoyingOrange Tue 21-Feb-17 14:43:19

No, it is nice to make someone a cup of coffee when they get in from work and you can allocate the cooking in your house however you and DP please.

DJBaggySmalls Tue 21-Feb-17 14:43:50

You do things out of choice for people you love. Thats not slavery or oppression.

Eliza9917 Tue 21-Feb-17 14:45:38

My friend thinks I am 'too 50s housewife' and I do not have to wait on him hand and foot. I don't feel like I do this, on days he does not work he will cook, make me coffee, look after kids so I have a break etc so really I guess me question is does anyone else do this or is it just me?

She's probably just sad she doesn't have a relationship like this. I don't think its '50's housewife' at all. When DP works away and gets in after me, he tells me when he should be back and i'll make sure dinner is ready for then and a bath run. He does the same for me.

Its called looking after each other and consideration imo.

I suppose when it becomes oppressive is if only one party gets waited on with the other doing all the work.

harrypotternerd Tue 21-Feb-17 14:46:34

Oh I forgot to add DP gets up at 5am and he leaves about 6am, before he leaves he will come wake me up and have a coffee waiting for me. If I am lucky I can drink it before the DC start jumping on the bed!

TinklyLittleLaugh Tue 21-Feb-17 14:47:35

We have a similar sort of set up. It works for us.

Some couples try to be kind to each other; I cook nice meals, bring him tea, clean the house. He gets up and scrapes the ice off my car and warms it up, does the horrid/annoying jobs like changing the kingsize duvet and the top bunk and cleaning the oven, goes to the coop for chocolate for me late at night and works long hours for us.

Some couples are mean and points score and do competitive tiredness and keep track of "turns". That must be very tedious.

FlyingElbows Tue 21-Feb-17 14:48:41

The thing that does most damage to the progress of feminism is the growling "forthright" fanny gazing which insists that any woman doing pretty much anything other than being a self absorbed twatbadger is either "oppressed" or "living in the 1950s". There is precisely fuck all wrong with being a considerate and caring human being. Feminism is about equality and the right to choose not "uterus worship workshops" and lectures on "all men are evil and to be avoided at all costs because they're all rapists. Except if you want sex or children because then they must provide on tap but we must not because of the almighty uterus and not being victims or something... Erm... Yes". Just smile at your friend's complete failure to notice the outrageous double standard.

TheHodgeoftheHedge Tue 21-Feb-17 14:48:42

Sundial sums it up for me perfectly! If you are both happy with the way things are distributed in your relationship, then that's what matters. Your friend was quite rude to make a comment like that.

S1lentAllTheseYears Tue 21-Feb-17 14:49:27

It's fine. As long as you are both happy and appreciative of what the other does, then carry on doing what works for your family. It would only be a problem if he expected his coffee along with his pipe and slippers because he's the big breadwinner and you the little woman but that's clearly not the case here!

My DH de-ices my car for me on cold mornings and I don't give two hoots if I set feminism back by letting him continue!

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