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to feel shocked at this

(53 Posts)
Areasonablegal Tue 21-Feb-17 13:23:37

Been to midwife apt today and she asked how i was feeling. Im heavily pregnant with an 18m old and am not getting any sleep (no exaggeration - cant get comfortable as im so big and also have horrific heartburn). My dh and i do nothing but argue and i have no family support - either my own or in-laws. Infact my inlaws are a-holes so make life quite hard.

So, i got a bit upset because im tired, uncomfortable and have no support and a rocky relationship.

Im extremely worried about the birth of this dc as i have some bad physical issues following birth of dc1 and am so worried that there will be complications in this birth - and even more issues for me post-birth than i have already.

Midwife seemed very concerned and has referred me to my gp to log that i am depressed. She has also referred me to a healthy minds clinic to talk through my feelings and has refd me to see a consultant re birth options.

The gp and healthy minds referrals have knocked me for 6. I dont consider myself depressed although i do feel shit. Im worried they will think i have some kind of pregnancy related depression and that it will put me on some kind of watch list when dc2 is born.

Im happy to be pregnant. Im just exhausted and feeling the stress of the total lack of support from mine/oh families plus birth worries.

I dont want anyone to think i am dangerous to myself of my dc or the dc2 when born. I love my dc and love dc2 too - im just bricking it over the birth!

Its really thrown me that she thinks im very depressed and has made these referrals. - ive got to call her after each appointment and she wants to see me weekly now too to keep an eye on me.

I feel like a bit of a headcase because i dont think im depressed and dont want this monitoring.

I appreciate the concern but am worried that when dc2 is born, hvs etc will basically think i cant cope and will be watching me all the time.

luckylucky24 Tue 21-Feb-17 13:27:03

They are referring you for the support you do not have in real life. They want to help.

BaconMaker Tue 21-Feb-17 13:30:14

They just want to help - a huge number of women suffer from mental health issues around pregnancy and child birth and need support this is no reflection of their ability to care for their children. I think it's great they've so readily offered you support. Mental health issues aren't a poor reflection on you any more than if you'd be diagnosed with gestational diabetes or SPD or hyperemesis - it's a common side effect of pregnancy and childbirth.

ijustwannadance Tue 21-Feb-17 13:30:36

She is just doing her job checking for signs of preND or trying to get you help now to try to avoid PND.

From the sounds of it you could probably benefit from having the support of someone to talk to.


C4Envelope Tue 21-Feb-17 13:31:18

Not everyone with depression is a 'head-case' you may have inadvertantly just offended a while host of parents. The health professionals are trying to help. By all means discuss with the doctor at referral.

Areasonablegal Tue 21-Feb-17 13:32:01

I suppose im just worried that they wont think im capable of looking after dc and dc2 😢

NavyandWhite Tue 21-Feb-17 13:32:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Areasonablegal Tue 21-Feb-17 13:35:03

Sorry, i dont mean to offend anyone or belittle anyones situation. My mother has a life history of severe mental health issues, my dh has had depression and some of my siblings have had pnd, one of which was very severe.

I know it isnt a weakness but im worried that it will be used against me re looking after children (especially if things carry on beubg rubbish with dh and we split up.)

Whathaveilost Tue 21-Feb-17 13:35:59

What would i do in your position?
Take all the support they are offering you.
It sounds like you need a little help.
These services are a life line to some people and it sounds like you would benefit from them.

This is not a reflection on your parenting capabilities.

Areasonablegal Tue 21-Feb-17 13:36:40

Has anyone been through this and found it helpful to see gp and counsellor?

Areasonablegal Tue 21-Feb-17 13:37:11

Thank you Whathave x

Rainydayspending Tue 21-Feb-17 13:37:54

You've fallen foul of a lot of misconceptions about depression and caring for children. Depression can be identified and handled alongside being a parent. It is well recognised that parents who are physically exhausted (toddlers and pregnancies can do that individually without sleep deprivation) are more likely to have a depressive episode. Looking after you and all your health is the role of a midwife, she's not a mental health expert so you're being checked over if you like be one. You trust the midwife to keep an eye on the pregnancy, try to trust the mh team to keep an eye on your emotional balance.
Sorry you're stretched so thin right now. Hope for rest for you flowers

NavyandWhite Tue 21-Feb-17 13:38:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustSpeakSense Tue 21-Feb-17 13:38:14

Nobody will think you aren't competent, you are just receiving acknowledgement that this can be very hard, especially without any familial support.

Don't feel 'insulted' by the referral, but rather grateful for the support and help.

On those days you feel overwhelmed (as we all do sometimes) at least you can remind yourself that you are not overreacting, you have the validation of how draining being a mum can be.

I hope you find the support useful, done be too hard on yourself.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips Tue 21-Feb-17 13:38:26

Calm down. I can see where you're coming from BUT your Midwife has a duty of care, you disclosed your feelings to her and she needs to make sure she does everything she can to get you support.

The concerns you expressed are not abnormal at all, but take the help with both hands. If you can go into labour with a more positive outlook this can only be beneficial.

Depression isn't leprosy. Nobody will avoid you for your feelings.
flowers and cake for you, go easy on yourself.

SaltandPepperRibs Tue 21-Feb-17 13:38:37

Don't worry OP. You don't get put on a 'watch list', as pp have said they just want to help you and your baby. Sometimes just being able to offload how you're feeling can help lift your mood and leave you feeling a bit better able to deal with the stresses of pregnancy and parenting.

You're not a head case and you're not going mad. They don't think you can't cope. That's not what they're saying at all. They've heard you tell them that it's difficult and they are able to offer you some support, which might even prevent your mood from dropping any lower.

flowers please don't think you have to do this on your own. It's hard! Good luck.

JustSpeakSense Tue 21-Feb-17 13:39:48


Areasonablegal Tue 21-Feb-17 13:40:19

Thank you all x I just need some reassurance that its not a bad thing to be referred. I will take it in the spirit that it is intended, as help. Tbh i am struggling a bit and so it might help to be able to talk it through.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira Tue 21-Feb-17 13:42:23

I spoke about this recently with my DH as I am a recently recovered mh patient.

It's just reality. I had mh issues. Ignoring that didn't make me not have them. Going to get help made, that it made feel Iike they really existed but actually they already existed and getting the help made them finally disappear.

Ignoring mh doesn't make it go away anymore than ignoring a lump or a leg hanging off.

You are at the start of a journey to recovery and you can get there. You are not a stereotype or a caricature - you are you with a health issue that is being cared for.


NavyandWhite Tue 21-Feb-17 13:44:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CondensedMilkSarnies Tue 21-Feb-17 13:44:10

I think subconsciously you wanted her to help otherwise you would have just said everything is fine.

It's a good thing that you've been referred Op . Blimey , we all need support even when things are generally ok let alone the stress of giving birth , toddler, difficult relationship .

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and take care of yourself .

mrsBeverleygoldberg Tue 21-Feb-17 13:45:22

I have depression and anxiety and was worried they'd take dcs away. They didn't. Once you get some support, you'll feel much better.

SanitysSake Tue 21-Feb-17 13:46:03

I'm in a similar boat. What I would give to have a GP/Midwife that championed my care as yours has. These 'interventions' are laying the foundation for a coordinated plan leading up to and after the birth.

They're not saying you're 'on the edge' - they're providing you with an outlet. It's up to you to discuss what you want and how you feel. If you're not feeling depressed - then say so... But given your familial history and your present circumstances, wouldn't it be nice to have someone to have a chat with? Who could tailor your care after investigation to something that could really benefit you and your children?

See it as an opportunity - not a threat. If it doesn't suit you after dipping your toe in the water, say thank you and research alternatives.

Fundamentally, these services depend on the information you provide them to tailor their approach correctly. Unless you're showing real signs of distress, they're highly unlikely to call for you to be sectioned and social services to be involved.

Take a deep breath, keep an open mind and see what they can offer you. You never know, it might do you the world of good.

Best of luck x

AmethystRaven Tue 21-Feb-17 13:46:24

I developed depression while pregnant with no. 2 (and had PND first time) and honestly, they just want to get you sorted out. Unless you give anyone reason to worry about your children, they won't. I had anti depressants and they put me back on an even keel. Please don't worry and good luck.

Bluebellevergreen Tue 21-Feb-17 13:49:22

OP I am pregnant and have antenatal depression and have been assigned a mental health visitor and put on monitoring for after birth.
Absolutely the right and responsible thing to do.
When I spoke to
Midwife and gp and HV they all
Agreed I care about the baby because that is why I spoke up.

There is much stigma around MH and this is why you might be scared but people that ask for support are good mums and dads.

Ignoring the problem is a lot worse for everyone. You might not think yoi are depressed because of the picture people have of the condition which is not true. I have been told in the past "you dont have depression" by friends because I still function outside the house. It is not so simple.

Be pleased you will get the support honestly, my MH visitor is lovely and they want the best for us and baby. They have also helped DH and I because we were getting into a bad place but now he is involved things are really great between us.

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