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Friends recriprocating

(60 Posts)
nannybeach Tue 21-Feb-17 11:17:36

I am sure I am not alone in this, we have a lot of friends relatives, who come to us for parties,BBQs, sometimes just tea and cake, BUT we never ever get invited back. Years ago, at the end of day goodbye, it would be "you must come to us next time", we would say, "yes, we would love to", it never happened, then they stopped saying it. Last year, I desided not to invite anyone round, didnt say anything, just didnt arrange anything or contact anyone with invite. Some contacted me, asking, said no party etc happening, lots were disappointed asked why, gave various reasons. Had one, still no return invite. Asked DH what he thought, he said part-joking, perhaps they dont like us, but why would they all happily come to us then?

lilydaisyrose Tue 21-Feb-17 11:20:01

I never invite anyone round as I'm embarrassed of my small, dingy house and can't afford to move. Have you considered that they might love to have you round but are embarrassed by their circumstances/lack of space/dingy decor etc?

StillStayingClassySanDiego Tue 21-Feb-17 11:21:50

Are you a good host, lots of lovely food and unlimited booze?, that's why they like coming to you.

Are these people having parties and leaving you off the list or just not bothering at all having people round to their house?

Maybe they don't like hosting at all.

Piratecatcher Tue 21-Feb-17 11:27:42

I think that feeling not good enough might be the reason. I have been to events at a couple of people's houses which have been so perfect I haven't felt confident enough about my cooking skills to return the invite. One lady cooked a beautiful lunch but when I complimented her on it Said Oh this is awful Way below my usual standard. It was way above mine so I never invited her. I am sure she didn't realise. Some people just persist and invite themselves over which is great as it gets past my guard. May be try that with some of the nicer ones x

PeachyImpeachment Tue 21-Feb-17 11:32:29

I think it's a hassle to have people around. Some people can't be bothered with the organisation and cleaning, or the money, if they would rather spend it on other things. I've realised I have way over-entertained one family in the past and will stop doing that now.

HecateAntaia Tue 21-Feb-17 11:52:22

i think it's simply just become tradition. expected perhaps.

maybe this year have no party again and when people ask - be honest!

i feel that it's all one sided. nobody else takes their turn and i am tired of it. i feel used.

arethereanyleftatall Tue 21-Feb-17 11:57:27

I'd get new friends.

MatildaTheCat Tue 21-Feb-17 11:58:06

If you feel tired of all the hosting, and who could blame you?, I would say that you're finding it all a bit much and are taking a break but would still love to see your friends. If there is no invitation back maybe just suggest meeting at a pub for dinks and possibly a meal.

If nobody wants to do that then they may be broke or simply users. Unfortunately lots of people hate hosting but don't seem to get it that it's sometimes required if you keep accepting lovely invitations.

user1477282676 Tue 21-Feb-17 11:59:53

We have a couple like you in our friendship group and if I am honest, I am afraid to ask them round or others round because they host so well and their house is so comfortable and well laid out that I feel that our efforts would look shoddy and it wouldn't be as nice.

We have had a couple of things...here...but not many.

arethereanyleftatall Tue 21-Feb-17 12:00:14

For those saying you can't always reciprocate due to size/state of house (or whatever)/don't like hosting (most people don't) That's fine, but then you need to reciprocate another way- paying for a meal out, bringing dessert/starter/the wine everyone time or whatever.
Otherwise it just isn't fair.,

sonjadog Tue 21-Feb-17 12:07:21

I think they think you like doing it so much and do it so well that they can't live up to your standards. So they mean it when they say it, but then never quite get round to it. I think if it is getting you down, then stop the parties and when asked, say it is because you never get an invite back. I suspect that might make a few of them get their act together pretty sharpish.

user1487678688 Tue 21-Feb-17 12:09:30

Thus happens to us you. I think it's rude/tight on the guests part.

Particularly my SIL & BIL. Repeatedly have them over, supply wine & beer, say 4 bottles of wine & 8 beers. They only ever bring 2 beers or half drank bottles of wine so then when we run out they ask us to go to the shop for more. confused

We've once been invited to theirs for lunch, we were fed £1 Iceland pizzas. All good if that's all you can afford, however we know they are very well off and it's just rude imo when we spend more on lovely fresh ingredients.

There's also friends in my group that never have the rest of the group round - just come along and 'freeload' off the rest of us!

CuddlesAndShit Tue 21-Feb-17 12:12:32

It is a funny one and I can see your point. However...from the other perspective, you choose to host a party (or several). This then puts people in an awkward position - they can then only accept if they host a party in return essentially, but if they repeatedly turn down your party invites because they can't (or don't want to) reciprocate it will look rude or raise questions.

So it then puts them in a tricky position of either appearing anti social or having to pay out and host a party that they wouldn't have chosen to do otherwise, if that makes sense.

Personally, we have been in the position where we can't afford to host in return and haven't got the space. I also have several illnesses that are invisible but totally wear me out so really wouldn't be in the position to hold parties! So what would be the solution in my case? Not accept any invites and look stand offish? Not meant in a snarky way OPsmile, but it is a definite dilemma.

CuddlesAndShit Tue 21-Feb-17 12:14:49

Oh and just want to add, if your friends turn up empty handed then that is definitely a different matter!

Bluntness100 Tue 21-Feb-17 12:21:52

I also think maybe you're misreading this, it's not about you, unless they have parties or get togethers, invite everyone else and exclude you. I'm guessing that's not what's happening.

I have someone who does something like this, she hosts rarely, and I get the impression it's because of the effort involved. From cleaning the house, making beds up, shopping etc and then the act of hosting, cooking, giving everyone drinks etc, then the cleaning op of the aftermath. Some people just find it exhausting. It can also be expensive. I wouldn't take it personally.

Oldraver Tue 21-Feb-17 12:27:51

User148 What cheeky fecker asking you to go and buy more wine. What do you say to them ? I'd be pointing them in the direction of the shop

Electrolens Tue 21-Feb-17 12:28:35

I used to love hosting. Now I live in a tiny two room flat and can't.

I love seeing my friends and spending time with them - I always take wine/a gift and travel sometimes an hour or two with associated train costs and this arrangement seems to suit us all. I hope!

HandsomeDevil Tue 21-Feb-17 12:29:27

I don't host large family gatherings, as my tiny house is too small to fit everyone. I do always bring some home baking, and copious amounts of decent booze though.

Couples and playdates squeeze into the house easily enough though, so I can reciprocate there.

Branleuse Tue 21-Feb-17 12:29:29

I wouldnt host my own party/meal as the thought makes me shudder, but I do occasionally go to other peoples. You host if you like hosting, not becuase you want an invite back, surely?

FriedPisces Tue 21-Feb-17 12:34:40

I am guilty of not inviting back. I do sometimes but only at the insistence of DC.

I find it stressful having other people in my house - it can be messy and even when it is tidy I feel it looks messy, it needs a lot doing to it and my friends have immaculate houses. This is all a bit pathetic of me but I am still, even at the age of forty fucking two overly fixated on what people think of me. Even on an anonymous internet forum

MusicToMyEars800 Tue 21-Feb-17 12:36:34

I am guilty of this, but only because I am massively embarrassed of my flat it's old fashioned and it came fully furnished and the furniture is awful... also my OH gets really uptight and weird about anyone coming to ours, I have no idea why. saying that when I do go to someone else's place for coffee or lunch etc I always take plenty of food and drink and always make sure I help to clean up before leaving.. when we do eventually move into a house with a nice garden I can't wait to invite people over for food and drinks. wether OH likes it or not grin, I have to agree with pp though some people just don't enjoy hosting where as I don't mind it.

PassiveAgressiveQueen Tue 21-Feb-17 12:37:45

This is a hint that will require major big girl pants, next time you talk to them say "hey how about we come to yours next week?" Just invite yourself round

Coralfish Tue 21-Feb-17 12:39:44

Before kids, I used to always invite one couple round and cook them dinner on a weekday evening - nothing fancy, just whatever we were already having, but I'd always provide food/wine/soft drinks etc. They would return the favour but because they 'didn't cook' we would get a takeaway and we were expected to pay our half, which I found most unfair - particularly as they had a lot more disposable income than us. I'm sure it just didn't occur to them that this was an issue but they weren't good enough friends that I felt able to bring it up and eventually we just drifted apart.

OneMillionScovilles Tue 21-Feb-17 12:41:30

Re. expenses: totally different situation, but a friend of mine comes to visit from another city around once a month. It makes more sense to host him than travel there (for a number of boring reasons) so we agreed to split the train fare and general food/drink expenses.

Not suggesting OP should charge her guests(!) - but do people bring a bottle / dish / generally contribute? If not, would you feel better if they did, or is it being in "host mode" every time that's getting to you?

I agree with PP - they obviously like you and your hosting skills if they keep coming back!

treaclesoda Tue 21-Feb-17 12:45:58

It is equally annoying the other way round. We have friends who will happily host us for dinner, provide all the food, fill up the wine glasses repeatedly. Yet if we invite them to visit us they are always too busy but insist we come to them instead. It makes me feel like shit, like we aren't worth bothering to drive fifteen minutes to visit.

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