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I know I am but how much?

(10 Posts)
4waystretch Tue 21-Feb-17 06:12:43

Lying in bed with new DP (actually not v new, a year or so, but have been moving super slowly). I started to reveal a traumatic thing from my past. Had quite a lot I f trauma which he knows in the abstract but find it difficult to share. He is v sensitive to that but also very encouraging of me sharing and always wants me to talk more (he is a real talker and discussing feelings type person - me slightly less so).

As I started to talk he segwayed into comparing it to a situation of his ex. I felt annoyed because it was really not comparable. (A bit 'my best friend has died' 'oh yes it was really hard for my ex when her neighbours pet rabbit died'). I felt a bit hurt that when I was trying to share as (I know he wants) the conversation got derailed and I guess my feelings minimised) I didn't get pissed off but I clammed up and didn't want to continue the conversation.

But now I wonder if I minded because, in a situation like that, his thoughts instantly went to his ex and her feelings etc. Which makes me not like myself very much as that is quite unkind and pathetic.

it's not a big deal I realise and I'm not going to obsess about it. I guess I'm just trying to be self aware and analyse why I reacted so stupidly.

Iris65 Tue 21-Feb-17 06:16:39

He was probably trying to empathise but doing it in an inept, insensitive way.
It isn't unkind or pathetic of you to feel this way, you are vulnerable and nobody likes to hear about an ex!

omnishamblesssssssssssssss Tue 21-Feb-17 06:20:47

He was just trying to empathise but did it badly. He should really just listen.

Unless he's constantly thinking of his ex, I wouldn't bother worrying about the odd comment. The fact is that he's with you and you're very close.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Tue 21-Feb-17 06:22:36

Maybe he was trying to make you feel better by thinking you aren't the only one to feel like that so you aren't overreacting or something.

I don't know. If he is normally kind and caring and considerate of your feelings, I would let it go.

Bluntness100 Tue 21-Feb-17 06:33:22

I'd also assume he was trying to emphasise and reached for his nearest comparable scenario. You seem a bit overly sensitive about his ex though?

pictish Tue 21-Feb-17 06:43:40

Remember he is not a trained counsellor or a therapist is what I would say. People don't always know the 'right' way to respond to someone else's heavy stuff.

4waystretch Tue 21-Feb-17 06:45:01

Thanks everyone. Nice to get some perspective.

Yes you're right am overly sensitive about ex. We're both quite newly divorced. But the main thing is I am not her biggest fan. She's not at all a bad person but I think very spoilt. (I know her a bit, not just stories from DP etc). Everything too difficult for her etc. I get secretly very irritated about how hard things were/are for her (when from my perspective they aren't). But that's a whole different thing and very very much not any of my business. And I do know you never really know the reality of situations and I'm being a dick to be so judgy.

ExpatTrailingSpouse Tue 21-Feb-17 06:48:59

Umm... I can't quite imagine lying in bed with a dp trying to talk about something deep and him bleeping on about his ex... I thought it was a given thing that at the very least you don't talk about exes in bed?

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 21-Feb-17 07:09:34

In a moment of calm, could you perhaps tell him making these comparisons with his ex is not helpful?

I know a fair few drama lamas for whom life is sooo hard. My sil is one. She has no concept of real difficulty and suffering. Rise above it. I learnt long ago my sil expects support from me not the other way round despite me being the chronically ill one and her as fit as a fiddle. Your dp will have been well trained by his ex to give her lots of support. So go easy when he doesn't get it right for you because perhaps how he's talking to you is maybe how she wanted him to talk to her. Deprogramming so to speak.

Miserylovescompany2 Tue 21-Feb-17 07:14:32

I don't think anyone wants to be compared against an ex EVER (either emotionally or physically) especially NOT whilst lying in bed attempting to have a deep and meaningful conversation. That would have shut any attempted discussion/topic down.

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