Innaproapriate kissing?!? (14&18 year old)(214 Posts)
Original post(for context):
I just joined this site as I need some advice that I doubt many mums I know in real life will understand.
I have a 14 year old son, who told me he was gay around a year ago, which I'm totally fine with.
He also told me a fortnight ago that he had a boyfriend who he'd been with for around a month. Which I was completely fine with.
It wasn't until Thursday that I finally met this 'boyfriend' and I wouldn't exactly say I was impressed. While he seemed like a nice, respectful young man he looked much older than expected and he told me he was 18.
I've tried talking to my son about this and he said it's completely fine. When I tried to bring up the whole 'consent' talk he screamed and dramatically stormed off (which I do understand).
Note: my son is quite mature and looks older than he is.
AIBU to think my son shouldn't have a boyfriend who is an adult?!
New part of post:
My son texted me after school today saying that he was going into town with his friends, which he does a lot. But this time I decided to call him to make sure he was telling the truth. And yes, during the call I could hear his friends shouting in the background (they're a very loud group) and I was happy.
That was until about twenty minutes ago when my eldest daughter (17) came in showing me an Instagram photo of my son sitting on a bench next to his boyfriend with the boyfriend's arm around him and kissing my son's neck! It was taken my a 3rd party so they're not alone but it made me extremely uncomfortable.
I was not told my son's 18 year old boyfriend would be with them. I've met him and whilst he seems like a nice, handsome young man, I can't get it out of my head that he may want more than what my son is willing to give him and be pressured into doing it.
Whilst writing this, my daughter has told me that the photo has been deleted, and I assume one of my other daughters messaged him that I saw it (to which neither have admitted).
I've tried calling him and texting him but he isn't replying at all! I have no idea what to do. Should I go into town and try and look for him? Should I just wait?!?
Or AIBU to react this much. My daughters are saying I'm overreacting!
I'm sorry I can't offer any useful advice nut my son is gay and this wound worry me too
Realistically though - are you really gonna report your sons boyfriend?
Don't go into town looking for him, it'll embarrass him if you find him and if you don't, you'll end up frustrated, worried, angry.
Pick your time to discuss it.
But yes, I would be worried. The same as I would be worried if it was an 18 year old girlfriend he has. Or if a daughter had an 18 year old boyfriend. 4 years and the leap from child to adult is a big difference.
Of course you're right to be worried. Equally I don't think you should go in to town.
The age of consent is the same for everyone, so if this 18 yo has sex with your son he is having sex with a minor, which is an offence. So you have 'right' on your side (although I'm not sure that will help massively...)
You say he wasn't able to deal with the consent talk with you - is there anyone else you both trust who would be able to discuss it with him?
I think the gay aspect was s somewhat irrelevant. It's the 18 year old adult with a 14 year old child that would concern me. 4 years is not a lot when they're older but it is at your son's age.
So I agree with the grilledaubergines not to go chasing him round town. Humiliating him in front of his friends/bf is not going to do any good. Yes to pick your time.
How is your relationship normally? Do you talk? Is he open to having the kind of conversation you need to have about consent etc? With my older dc (15 and 13) I would (and do to their horror) be explaining my concerns in detail, legally and morally.
I look stuff up and save it to my phone to show them where I've got my info from. I give them time to think and respond. And I try really really hard to remain as calm and neutral as possible.
Good luck op xx
Op, you say your ds is mature for his age. Would you be able to sit him down and discuss the fact that your his parent, you have a legal responsibility to protect his welfare and that you can't be seen to be condoning this as it's against the law. You could ask him to finish the relationship before you or someone else is forced to call the police.
It sounds drastic but at least your being upfront op , you must be so worried
Could your eldest DD talk to your son & explain how you feel? Definitely don't go into town - he'll never speak to you again. At least he's been open with you & you've met the BF. He is more likely to take on board what you're saying (even if he doesn't seem to be listening!) if you have a decent relationship with him. All you can really do is talk, listen & be there.
An afterthough retreading your op - I'd possibly tackle the trust thing too. He's lied to you, while you understand why (older bf), I think I would go at it from that angle. The whole rights and responsibilities thing. If he wants the right to have a bf, to go into town with friends/bf then he has to accept the responsibilities that go with it - being truthful and honest... Thaf sort of thing. But again 'chin on chest' time and stay calm however he reacts m.
I think you are right to be worried but if I were you I'd wait.
Rushing to come get me would have been what my mum would have done. Which meant when I did start having sex (too young, though not due to pursue from the guy and i am now married to him)not only did I not tell her but also emphatically denied it. Meaning that I put myself in very vulnerable positions if he had been a bad sort.
Plus if you hop searching for him now, what's your next step? Banning him from going out? Much better too make sure he feels he can tell you without you blowing up and doesn't lie again.
I agree with PP that your son's sexuality is pretty much irrelevant here - the issue is the age gap and the age of consent.
Don't go into town. They will not go any further than kissing in public in broad daylight but if your DS thinks he can't see his BF in public without you finding out and freaking out then they will find private places to meet.
I think you need to tread quite carefully to avoid pitting your DS against you. I fully understand why you're worried, I would be too. But at 14 it's possible that DS will just carry on behind your back - and even go further than he would otherwise have done - if you are too gung-ho about opposing the relationship. Going out looking for him and confronting him in front of BF and mates would be a big mistake, I think. You want to maintain his trust, you want to be someone he'll talk to, and you want to avoid him getting some romantic star-crossed lovers narrative into his head.
I would wait for him to come home then talk to him.
The first priority would be that he does not ignore my texts or calls. Who pays for the phone? I would be withdrawing that privilege if he continued to abuse it.
Is he a sixth former in the same school as your son? Because at my kids school they crack down heavily on 'romances' with age gaps like this, whatever the sexuality of the kids. It might be worth mentioning, to a pastoral manager?
In my head it's no different from a 14 yr old girl and 18 yr old man..the 14 yr old is a child and under age.the 18 yr old an adult...I would be speeking to school and the 18 yr old..telling him you are notifying the police.yr son is underage and being taken advantage of..speek to pastoral care at school..if you know where this man lives visit and inform his parents he is dating a child,and you have informed the police
Can you find out BF's real age? He could be older than 18 and if it turns out he has also lied to DS that might make him more cautious in the relationship.
I agree with others that sexuality isn't the issue its the ages. Kissing on the neck seems like a massive red flag to me as it seems much more sexual and intimate than kissing on the mouth - perhaps that's just my perception though.
I think you're in a tough spot OP . I think in your shoes I would be tempted to invite his boyfriend round and speak frankly to both of them about consent etc. Say that you have concerns and that you will support their relationship whilst it stays on non dodgy ground.
DH tells me that this would be a crap approach though so I don't know.
I would also speak to pastoral care at school, for advice. They will have good advice to give, plus you will have let them know all about it in the action of asking for advice.
Well I would have a problem with that age gap. One is an adult and one is a child. It raises issues of grooming and coercion. The same sex aspect is irrelevant. What does an 18 year old have in common with 14 year old? It's not appropriate. I think I would call the NCPCC for advice before I said or did anything else. Your daughter's opinions are irrelevant. You are his parent and responsible for his welfare.
Why do people keep mentioning the law and police? Nothing they've done would be against the law or of any interest to police.
Op, you need to talk to your son about boundaries and what is appropriate age-wise. Kissing your bf in public is very much a 14yo thing to do.
I would be quizzing the boyfriend, finding out exactly how old he and doing some investigation about him. Then I would certainly read him the riot act (threaten!!) about under age sex etc just in case!!!!
"Screamed and dramatically stormed off" doesn't sound mature to me.
It sounds like a moody 14 year old, which of course is what he is.
I would be concerned about this.
For the sole reason your son in under age.
18yo adult. 14yo child. Not acceptable.
Here in the world of mumsnet there will be people along to say how it's just fine, they did it at that age, it did them no harm etc etc.
In the real world adults being intimate with children is a fundamental wrong.
A 4 yr gap is biased in favour of the adult who can manipulate the child..if it was a same age relationship no problems,it's the gap in ages..leaves child open to abuse
Why do people keep mentioning the law and police. Mainly because that's what advice people give when an adult is grooming a child.
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