to be annoyed with this mother(26 Posts)
I take my dc to a group every week (19 mnth old) - music, dance group.
Its a lovely group that does rhymes and songs and for each song every child is given a corresponding toy to play with. No need whatsoever to bring your own.
There is one child who attends with his mum, he looks around 4 so should be starting school in september. His mum allows him to bring his own toys every week but he also takes the ones given out for each song. If any other child touches his toys he goes batshit crazy.
Obviously some of the other children including my dc are interested in some of the toys he brings and they are far too young to understand that those particular toys arent for touching/playing with.
The lad who they belong to always makes a beeline for my dc who is half his size and puts his hand out to offer his toy to my dc...who smiles all excited and reaches out, only for the boy to snatch it back and laugh....every time! Its infuriating.
The mum then praises her son for sharing, whilst my dc is close to tears! Ive tried keeping dc away from him but this lad seeks him out. Ive tried saying 'thats not nice' when he snatches the toys back and keeping my dc distracted but the mother seems to ignore it.
It happened again today, this time my dc cried. when she praised her son for 'sharing' i corrected her and said ' he is actually teasing my dc and thats not nice behaviour. Can you not encourage him to do that please as he is upsetting my dc'
She went red and said he was sharing and that she didnt see a problem. I stayed calm and said that offering a toy to a much younger child, snatching it away when they reached out to touch it and then laughing at them and making them cry is not sharing, but is actually rather mean.
Aibu to be annoyed with this woman. She will be there next week and i will find it hard not to
lamp her one get annoyed when her ds does it again!
I'd not allow it to get that far. When you see the child approach lift yours up or turn him around to you and look at the 4yo and say no thank you.
Wow OP I admire your reaction, perfectly justified IMO. And YANBU.
I used to always be annoyed at the parents who always allowed their DC to bring toys to playgroups or classes but didn't make them share. I'm not blaming the children of course, mine would have been the same, just don't allow them to bring their special toy then!
Mine loved toys places but I was always firm that things stayed in the car or were shared.
Don't worry about seeing her next week- think she (rightly) will be more worried about seeing you!
Agree with Taylor. Bend down to the 4 year old and say 'no thanks sweetheart' with a big smile on your face and aim him away from your DS. You may have to hover a bit at first, but the boy and mum will soon get the message.
I'd passively aggressively say 'oh isn't boy being nasty by not sharing' and distract.
Well done for sticking up for yourself and your son! I'm so pleased this wasn't another thread that ended in "obviously I didn't say anything but aibu to be fuming".
Could you ask the group leader (out of session) to ask her to request no other toys are brought?
They sound very like a boy and his mum we know. I do as others suggest and just tell him no kindly but firmly each time he starts to do something which upsets DS. IME there's no point in waiting for the parents to step in in such situations as they never do!
Taylor, ive done this. The group is for them to dance, sing and clap etc, it would be very restrictive for my dc to have me beside them constantly when they want to run around and enjoy themself. My view is that the other child's mother should see this behaviour for what it is and not praise it.
Somethingborrowed, exactly! Why allow your child to bring their own toys to a group which has toys already and when its bound to cause issues with younger ones wanting to look etc.
Im not blaming the child - his mother is effectively praising him for teasing and bullying younger children so what can you expect....
I did wonder if i was being a bit pfb but actually, i think his mother is a dick!
I'm going to go against the grain, here.
About him not sharing. His toys are his property. How would you feel if someone from the group came over expecting you to share your make up, phone, ect.
Its the mother who's at fault for letting him bring his toys into the group.
His mother is being completely crap, and clearly doesn't understand the concept of sharing. She is praising her child for being mean, very strange.
If it happens next week will you speak with the class teacher?
agree with Taylor too, but would add the I'd passively aggressively say 'oh isn't boy being nasty by not sharing' and distract
His toys are his property. How would you feel if someone from the group came over expecting you to share your make up, phone, ect
that's absolutely fine, what is very wrong is to tease a younger child by offering a toy and snatching it back at the last second. Totally unacceptable. The mum is raising a bully by encouraging this behaviour.
I think you handled that really well. It isn't even about you wanting the boy to share is it?! You just don't want him deliberately winding up and teasing your child. Hopefully your approach will work and she'll stop him doing it. If not maybe speak to the teacher.
To be fair to the boy, he may not realise how mean he's being. My just-turned-4-DD is mystified as to why her little brother cries when she "shows" him her toys.
How would you feel if someone from the group came over expecting you to share your make up, phone, ect
The equivalent situation would be: I am going to a make up class, where there will be other women, and make up on the table for us to use. Would you bring your own make up, which to others wouldn't look different than the make-up available to everybody, and then be upset if someones uses it? But still leave it on the table, accessible to all, and with no way for them to know it is yours.
Agree with Giraffes; my 4 yo likes to "show" her toys to other children but doesn't want them to touch. I do always explain to her that younger children won't understand and will of course try and take what they think is being offered to them!
If it happens again, perhaps give a similar explanation directly to the child? The other mum certainly isn't helping by calling it "sharing"!
Bring a giant Buzz Lightyear toy next week. You know, the one which speaks and flashes lights and moves on its own. Sit next to the offending boy and have your child play with Buzz, hold it out to the bigger child and then snatch it back and loudly praise him for SHARING.
Great response from you OP! Definately not unreasonable.
Thanks all x x
Longdiling...exactly, its not about me wanting any sharing - i just dont want my child wound up and upset buy an older child teasing/bullying him and making him cry.
Awwlook....youve missed the point. My dc isnt taking the toys belonging to another child - the boy who they belong to is offering them out to my child then snatching them back last second and laughing about it whilst my dc gets upset. Thats nasty in my book.
Thank you all for your comments. I feel like i did the right thing and wont feel bad seeing this woman next week. Im hoping she got the message and that her ds wont be bringing his own toys next week, seeing as that is the main cause of this issue.
My dc is so placid and friendly and it makes me mad that some parents think its ok for their dc to tease a younger child in this way.
I dont blame the older child at all, i dread to think how he will be when he starts school given that he is actively being praised for being mean to younger/smaller children!
The fact that the mother can't even say no to her child about bringing his own toys in says it all really. At 4 he should know what sharing is but sounds like his mother is not giving him a clear idea! I wonder if he has older siblings at home that tease him like it so he thinks its normal?
You're response was spot on. Keep going to the class and just try and avoid them if thats at all possible. If not, just good luck!
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