Posting here to just this out as I have no one to speak to RL.
I must and will go on but:
- Have been raising my 11 year old DS single handedly since his birth and feel like my life is not really mine anymore
- DS' father isn't a co-parent but more of an occasional visitor to DS
- My full time (PhD) studies isolate me. I sit in a small often silent office and do my research alone (bliss in some ways, hell in others)
- Becoming a mum at 24 and then a mature student at 29 have been transformative for me and I have distanced myself from certain friends. So I have one friend left who I barely see. Having no free time means I haven't made new ones.
- At 35 have been single for six months. I do appreciate having this time for myself but miss being cuddled, supported and the chance to be someone else other than a mum and a student
- I'm worried about my parents and siblings. I am the first of us to go to university. There is autism, mental health issues and in particular depression among them all - I feel guilty for not doing more to help
- My parents are very distant as parents and grandparents. They only contact when they need to ask something specific. They are not loving.
- My son moves to secondary in September. He is sensible, kind and lovely but given our ethnic heritage he is at risk of police harassment (stop and search), low expectations at school and street violence
- DS is the light of my life. I wish I could guarantee him protection from racism/prejudice but can't
- Given our isolation, I am the only one to actively support my DS. He has a few relationships with other adults through his extra curricular stuff but if I sink so will he
- I'm worried that my fears and resentment may poison the wonderful relationship we have.
- I have an analytical brain that never shuts off and it is tiring. I take life, myself and my role as a parent very seriously and it is draining. I never switch off.
- As well as working towards an academic position, I also want to write but am finding it difficult to get into the routine
- I do have many things to be grateful for and am hopeful for the future. Am just finding this particular moment tough.
Thank you for reading all of this