To not want ex to see ds

[MiaMoo95]

I have 3 sons with my ex, ages 4 and twin boys aged 3. Ex has stages of coming into the kids lives and then will go out again for a number of months when he has a new girlfriend. Ds1 dotes on him and will never let me say a bad word about him but the months ex is away he is constantly crying and asking me why daddy isn't here. Everytime the door or phone goes he gets excited because he thinks it's his dad and it's horrible seeing him like that. I'm fed up of how much he messes both me and the kids around. He will constantly cancel when we have plans and make me look like the bad one because I have to tell kids he can't make it. About two months ago I told ex that I was fed up and he said he'd shape up and it was going good for about 3 weeks, he had the kids over on weekends and once one week when I couldn't take them to school. I had a call from nursery to say they hadn't been supplied with nappies and the kids didn't have any packed lunch. I'd told him multiple times that they needed a packed lunch and even gave him their lunch boxes with a note of what to put in there. I called at 11 on one weekend to make sure the kids were in bed and I could hear them all still playing in the background. My son also gets really ill when he comes home and I know it's because he only eats junk when he's there. I'm sort of just ranting but I'm not sure if this is a typical dad thing and iabu or this is something to worry about?.

[Trifleorbust]

Definitely not a typical dad thing. I would be questioning the benefit of contact for kids being wound up by not knowing when they will see their dad, then being sent to school without food and kept up until 11pm, and I am usually very firm about the acceptability of different parenting styles. He sounds useless.

[Itsgettingbetter]

This cancelling and erratic rhythm your ex's visits to your children must be really frustrating for you and upsetting for your DC, sorry to hear this.

Have experienced similar and found reducing contact to something easy for him to stick to - a visit once a month for us - has been much more successful. DS' DF is more committed and the regular rhythm means my DS knows what to expect.

I know it's not easy but would try not to speak badly about him to your DC as it will only make them feel worse.

[HerOtherHalf]

No it's not the typical dad thing - there is no such thing. He's being selfish, lazy and uncaring without a doubt and of course the kids are upset. The question I think you have to ask yourself is what is genuinely in the best interests of the children and is no contact really the best and only option you have?

[MiaMoo95]

To be honest I'm sure that I could sit down and talk with him. I'm fed up of keep giving him chances, but then again it's not about me it's about the kids. I'm gonna talk to him whenever he decides to answer my messages and then will arrange him getting the kids a little less frequently. Hopefully this will stop him bad mouthing me to his family too.

[gamerchick]

I stopped contact for my youngest for very similar reasons. He would pop up at Christmas then not again until Feb and then do a few consistent weeks in the summer. He has asd and it was me who he got violent with, I've been crippled for days after a punch in the spine, bruises on the head from objects and it got to the point where I well chased the fucker because the bairn couldn't handle his dad just showing up when he wanted.

I've lost count of the chances I gave him. The other 2 are adults/nearly adults and have their measure of their dad so see him when they want. As a result he's a lot calmer because he has structure and routine. He's stopped asking to see his dad and I don't get battered nearly as much.

I did tell the ex to take me to court so contact was official but he hasn't bothered in case it means he has to pay maintenance. Is that an option if it's not court ordered?

[BadKnee]

If you stop contact you may find that your sons don't thank you for it when they are older.

It may be tough for him at the moment -but when things are a bit more settled he may be able to keep to a schedule more easily.

It is surely better for your kids that they have a father in the picture even though it is erratic than no father at all. It is hard to pick it up later.

Also many kids have fathers who for work or other reasons are not around much - including my own children's father. Their relationship when they became teens though was brilliant - and very important to them both - especially my DS.

[BrightOranges]

An absent parent is sure to cause a child problems but a parent that comes and goes as they please, will cause more damage.

An unreliable parent is very different to a parent that works away.

[donquixotedelamancha]

"I'm not sure if this is a typical dad thing"

No it bloody isn't! Some of us do 50% of everything and spend weekends making cardboard princess castles. Mums can be shit too.

Having a relationship with Dad is important, but inconsistent care and attention is BAD for little ones (google attachment theory). I'd be looking at really enforcing firm expectations (try talking it through as constructively as poss at first) and possibly scaling back until he can be get his act together. Ultimately you don't have the right to cut him out unless he's really causing harm.

[MiaMoo95]

Thanks again everyone. He called me last night after me texting him about it, he was quite tipsy so I asked if he would come over today when he was sober. Hopefully he comes over soon.