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To wonder why some parents

(23 Posts)
namechanged5678 Sun 19-Feb-17 23:49:21

Put their own needs before their children? I've NC so I don't out myself. Partner and I both work, but I do most of the childcare and housework. Partner comes home and complains he's exhausted (we both have office jobs btw) and that he just wants to relax instead of do any childcare. So that leaves me with looking after kids and sometimes sorting out dinner.

That's fine, but when he's tired and I'm tired, I let the toddler do whatever occupies her while I can get some stuff done (because he won't look after her or she screams because she doesn't want to be with him). I get complaints from partner about why I let her use his things, tbh I'm exhausted and if it keeps her quiet for 30 mins I will let her. He's had a tiff over me giving her his bottle of water to drink from, letting her go into his study, giving her a bit of his food.

Now I'm a bit hmm because he thinks I don't give her boundaries and let her do anything. I've been told by a few childminders and staff at the play centre that toddler is at the age of exploring so I shouldn't be stopping her from understanding her environment, only when she starts to put herself in danger or does something bad (like screaming at me or throwing her toys in anger) then I should stop her. Or if she does something minor like If she starts pulling things out of drawers I distract her.

His idea of looking after her is telling her "no" for every tiny little thing which I find quite negative and might explain why she doesn't like spending time with him. I've watched him so I know she gets told "no" for getting into places like behind the sofa (she often spots a toy lodged there so goes to get it, but partner doesn't see this and reacts too quickly), or stopping her from going into another part of the house because he's too tired to shift himself so he can see her or engage with what she is doing in that room.

I don't even know if this all makes sense but it is so exhausting that I can't rely on him to keep her happy/occupied for even 5mins while I run to the loo or brush my teeth. His only excuse is he's tired. He spends most of his time after work alone and away from us.

Just for comparison anyone else we know (family from both sides and a few friends) are more than capable of occupying her so I know it's not her.

I just wonder why he has these selfish tendencies. Part of being a parent is putting a little effort in after work to engage with your toddler is it not? Or have I got it wrong?

DontTouchTheMoustache Sun 19-Feb-17 23:53:57

YANBU she is his child as much as she is yours. He sounds lazy and selfish. Does he have any redeeming qualities? I couldn't live my life like that. He obviously thinks he is more important than you as he does not feel the need to pull his weight.

arethereanyleftatall Sun 19-Feb-17 23:57:15

Are you getting anything out of staying with him? He sounds like a twat tbh.

namechanged5678 Mon 20-Feb-17 00:05:29

He earns a lot more (over double) than what I do so it helps with finances, so I am grateful we have this however we do pretty much the same hours and he has more time to socialise/go gym after work, sometimes this means he'll get in an hour later than I do. I'm on the clock with the childminder so have to pick toddler up by a certain time.

Again that's fair enough but it just seems like a give and take situation. I know kids are intuitive but to what extend does my toddler now view my partner as? A disciplinarian? She loves her GPs, would always run out of my arms to her aunties and uncles, but with my partner she's very finicky and would never fully commit to spend time with him.

I can't seem to get through to him either about not always saying "no" and sharing with her. He keeps saying she needs to learn boundaries but she's not doing anything wrong, just doing things that don't sit well with his chance to relax.

GreyStars Mon 20-Feb-17 00:08:29

I don't think there sounds anything fair about that arrangement at all tbh.

So what if he earns double, he should be working with you to parent your DC so that you have equal amount of spare time, together time and family time.

Winniethepooer Mon 20-Feb-17 00:08:48

Want to know the truth?
It will only get worse!

namechanged5678 Mon 20-Feb-17 00:11:07

@winniethepooer really?sad

AtSea1979 Mon 20-Feb-17 00:12:43

Tell him what nights he needs to pick her up from child minder and you go to gym or whatever you like doing and leave him to it.

MissBattleaxe Mon 20-Feb-17 00:13:17

He's a lazy bastard and he's taking the pics. Make yourself unavailable so he has no choice but to do his half.

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents Mon 20-Feb-17 00:14:43

Why say "some parents" when you mean one specific person?

Winniethepooer Mon 20-Feb-17 00:14:57

Yes! Share the responsibility now before your dc gets older. The routines get embedded.

Your both tired.
Why is his tired trumping your tired?

You will end up resenting him.
I wish to god I'd known my own worth about 15 years ago...

BluePheasant Mon 20-Feb-17 00:19:41

He thinks because he earns more, he is working harder and therefore entitled to put his feet up while you run yourself ragged doing everything. Don't you get mad with him?
He either wants an equal relationship or he wants a maid.
And why doesn't he want to give his child any attention ffs? The fact she doesn't want to be left with him because she doesn't get anything positive from him is actually really sad. I couldn't live like that OP, sorry but he sounds like a dick.

namechanged5678 Mon 20-Feb-17 00:26:26

@winniethepooer @missbattleaxe I've started to get him to supervise bath times which he's alright with in the hope that they bond, but again if she starts to splash water gets everywhere (ffs it's a bathroom not the queens bedroom) he tells her no! Or he stands really far away from the bath so he doesn't get wet. I've only seen him get stuck into the task a handful of times without telling her off. I'm afraid she'll end up resenting him rather than myself. Just don't get it

EmeraldScorn Mon 20-Feb-17 00:27:32

He gets annoyed when his daughter eats some of his food or drinks from his water bottle, really?

He's clearly very selfish then if he begrudges his little girl, his attitude is very strange. Is he typically possessive and territorial of things he perceives to belong to him?

I honestly can't get my head around him being annoyed at her sharing some of his food, is he an only child just out of interest?

namechanged5678 Mon 20-Feb-17 00:31:40

I do get mad @bluepheasant, but it results in an argument where he says he is trying (he cleans up once in a while or he does things that I ask him to do like empty the bin -don't ask why I have to tell him, he doesn't really take initiative around the house on a daily basis and I've had this convo so many times with him to the point where I'm blue in the face and we haven't got anywhere with it). Just don't have the energy anymore. I hate that his complacency is spilling into the relationship with our toddler and I just can't get him to see it

I think you're right about the earning more = working harder thing though as much as it's a stupid thing to think

namechanged5678 Mon 20-Feb-17 00:36:04

@emeraldscorn i know right?! He just "wants to eat in peace" his words exactly. I have no words. I'm confused to my core

BluePheasant Mon 20-Feb-17 00:46:25

I don't think you're going to change him, sorry but his lack of interest in his own child would be the game changer for me.

The issue about chores etc you could work around and make things a bit more equal by going part time or getting a cleaner. But he seems to view his DD as an inconvenience and that is dreadful. Lots of men like the idea of being a father but not the reality of it IYSWIM. Yes ok so he works hard and provides for his child, great. But really all she wants is his time and affection.

missbishi Mon 20-Feb-17 00:49:59

As Blue says, he does provide. He provides money. He does not provide time and affection. Which is more important for her wellbeing?

My take is that he finds the child irritating and perhaps doesn't even like her all that much. Perhaps he finds her boring. Sorry if that sounds harsh but people are saying "I don't understand why...". He's clearly disgusted by her fingers/mouth on his food/drink, doesn't want her anywhere near his tech or his study. Perhaps he's thinking "Is nothing my own?" but that's the reality of life with kids

It's no excuse though is it? Parenthood isn't all cute little outfits and happy gurgles, it's shit on the carpet, smashed ipads and food smeared all over the place and he should have known that. Maybe things will improve once she's older but can you take that gamble?

Atenco Mon 20-Feb-17 00:51:47

My ex was like that with our dd. Though we didn't live together. Told the whole world how he adored her too.

What do see in this man?

ClemDanfango Mon 20-Feb-17 00:56:37

Sorry to be blunt but what is the point in him being there?
It sounds like you have two toddlers to run around after! He treats you like a slave and his own DD like an annoying little fly he'd like to flick away from him.
Pathetic waste of space.

namechanged5678 Mon 20-Feb-17 01:15:01

He doesn't dislike her, more that he wishes she would spend time with him but I really don't think he knows HOW to be a dad if that makes sense? Yes you have to share, yes your personal items will get taken/moved. Yes you now have nothing that you can claim is yours. No you can't have "me time" as often and toddlers are demanding as hell.

I'm hoping things get a little better once she starts understanding and holding conversations with us (3/4years?) he was really good with his half-sister when she was born about a decade ago and they have a great relationship now but I think that's very different to having your own child because he wasn't her main or secondary caregiver. He also had an awful relationship with his own dad so not sure if that contributes to it?

@missbishi he's VERY protective over his tech. I've managed to wear him down on a few items that he has agreed to use with her - she likes to copy him typing on his keyboard - while I find that endearing, he finds it cute but doesn't want her near it. Genuine wtf moment for me there so I got her an old PC keyboard to practice on.

RainbowJack Mon 20-Feb-17 01:15:11

Ugh. How can you find such an incompetent "man" attractive. He sounds heinous.

You need to make changes now.

If you don't leave him, at least get him to do something. Tell him you're going out and leave your DD with him. Even if it's just to sit in the coffee shop or the park bench.

Removing yourself will mean he has to look after her and he wont have you to step in. Right now he knows you're always there to do it/take over. Or thinks if he does a shit job you'll stop asking him.

Do not let him get out of it. Do not ask him if he'll watch her, because he'll say no.

It's time for you to wipe his muddy boot print off your face and get serious.

ElvishArchdruid Mon 20-Feb-17 01:19:14

My favourite story ever was someone I knew had a baby & had help with baby from Mum who had to do circa 100 mile trip everyday. Dutifully she was there about 6am and didn't leave till 8pm. As DH couldn't possibly finish work & help with DC. I think Mum also cooked dinner for the 3 of them.Mum had a DH at home who was left to fend for himself, felt so sorry for him. I felt sorry for the Mum too.

It surprised me that the DC's Dad could get in and want free time. I mean ok year get changed, have a shower, but anything more than that is surely a piss take. To not interact with your baby or toddler because you've got to have me time is quite unreal. I'd suggest the commute is the time you unwind in a car child free, listening to whatever radio station or music before.

When we were kids there was the rule don't mother Dad when he's just in front work, but that was 15/20 minutes maybe.

I'd hope it's just the toddler stage he finds a bit full on. I'll hold my hands up to not being the biggest fan of when my children were overly depend on me being psychic to their needs. But as the years progress till where both of them are at now is bliss.

So hopefully it will change for both DH & yourself once DC is at school. It won't feel so full on. I would say to DH as a compromise 30 minutes when you get in is fine, but you need to spend time with DC till bedtime. Even if it's rotting braincells away with ITNG. Weekends, one day each, you get a lie in. Which is fair. Then when you're both awake it's family time.

I would agree with DH in that you need to set boundaries exploring, as I'm guessing you don't let your child roam free in the cleaning chemicals cupboard, or near a hot stove/oven. He should aim to keep anything of importance away or high up. You should protect any drawers / cupboards with DH's stuff in. If you went into a room & (even you don't have it) DC was playing with your expensive creams and make cup, pretty much wrecking it, you wouldn't be pleased.

I would definitely advocate what I've put above, there's no arguments to it, you're compromising, you've both had a challenging day. You made DC together, you share DC together. If you don't already, try and get in a structured bed time, so then it's just DH & yourself for a bit.

Don't write it off till you've tried.

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