To expect more from DH

[LavenderShortbread]

Hi everyone, this is my first ever post. Bit scared being the newbie but I'll jump right in...
AIBU to expect more from my DH? I'm a SAHM to 16 month DD and I'm setting up my own business. DH works full time.
I do everything around the house - cleaning, laundry, put bins out etc, food shopping, planning meals, planning all our weekends, remembering all his families birthdays & anniversaries & sorting the respective cards and gifts. I do some cooking and life admin too but generally DH cooks our dinner whilst I'm breastfeeding DD to sleep (usually for 1.5 hours!!) and he also sorts stuff like insurance, our finances generally, paying bills etc.
I feel like I do all the childcare, even at weekends. I get up with DD, change nappy, get dressed, we have breakfast together whilst DH stays in bed asleep or checking work emails from bed. He works from home mainly but never gets up with us. I feel like he should be more involved as not many Dads get that sort of opportunity to spend time with their kids. He helps with bathtime but refuses to do it on his own.
Occasionally on a weekend he'll take DD out for an hour or so, but the rest of the time I look after her. I don't have family near by so no one to call on for help and his family, although closer distance wise, aren't very forthcoming with help either.
Is this a fair arrangement? I have friends who get a lot more help from their partners and others who don't.
Some days I just wish someone else would pack the changing bag, feed DD her meals, change her nappy etc. This does happen on occasion but usually after persistent reminders and requests to the point where I just think I may as well be on my own!

[OrangeIsTheNewPop]

I think you both need to sit down and chat about the situation. Lie ins at the weekend, IMO, should be taken in turns. Have you talked to him about it? What was his reaction?

[LavenderShortbread]

We have talked about it and he thinks he does enough so our discussions often end in arguments. I resent the fact I have to juggle everything with looking after DD and he doesn't have to.
Maybe I havent spelt it out clearly enough to him.

[OrangeIsTheNewPop]

To me it sounds very unbalanced. Where is your "down time"? What do you think he would do if you got up on Saturday morning and left the house for the morning- alone?

[DameDeDoubtance]

Hugely unbalanced, change it now or this will be your life as long as you're with him.

[Jenniferb21]

Hi

It doesn't really matter what others are doing around you if you feel like it's unbalanced then it probably needs to change.

I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel. Ask if you can have a set time per week you can have a couple of hours to yourself. Or can you have a relaxing hot bath one evening while he watches DD or the monitor.

I mean this in the nicest way not being judgemental at all but Have I read this right at 16 months it takes 1.5 hours to BF her to sleep? I'd be addressing this as by the age of 1 shouldn't she be going to sleep on her own not being fed to sleep? My DS at 9 months is struggling to be put down to sleep (rather than having a feed or cuddle) so don't get me wrong I know how hard it is but that sounds like that's where your evening is going. Maybe it's time to look up a new routine or contact your HV for advice?

Good luck xxxx

[LavenderShortbread]

Thank you :)

Yes Jenniferb21 bedtime routine is ridiculous with it taking so long to BF to sleep but it's become the norm and DD will scream if put in her cot awake which I find really upsetting so never leave her to cry. Sometimes she'll fall asleep on her own if I lie on our bed with her for long enough so I know she can do it!
It's time for me to address all these issues head on, just not sure I've got the energy!!

[SeaCabbage]

So what do your weekends look like? Do you all spend time together but your H does nothing with your DD? If he has never done it then he will no doubt not be confident about it which will stop him wanting to do anything for a start. Add laziness and there you go.

You are going to have to try the talk again. It is fair enough that you want some free time at the weekend. 24/7 with a baby is very draining. You need to recharge. Do you have any friends, whose partners take the baby out so you can point out that it is in fact a normal and healthy thing to do ?

Good luck sorting the bedtime as well. That will help your energy I am sure.

[Jenniferb21]

I agree I won't let my DS cry.

Does she have a strict bedtime routine? I've found that has really helped so I do a warm bath, baby massage, 3 books then a feed. At the moment I rock on the rocking chair with him and he soon goes to sleep (used to take him between 1-3 hours) I'm gradually going to start putting him down earlier and earlier to hope he'll Be put down awake eventually and will go to sleep (which he won't do ATM) my HV was more than happy to help as I told
Her I was really struggling to cope with 3-4 hours of trying to get him
To sleep. She came over for a visit to help.

Good luck xxx if you sort that out you'll have much more time to yourself xxx

[BaconMaker]

My DD was the same at bedtime and to be honest nothing helped until she just grew out of it. I do think DH needs to give you more time to yourself though. He might not be able to put the baby to sleep at the moment but he should be able to do bath time alone. Have you considered booking yourself into an exercise class or something every week (and getting a long coffee afterwards) so DH will be forced to look after baby alone and yo'll get a guaranteed break. Once he has more confidence he may be more willing to help.

[LavenderShortbread]

SeaCabbage - weekends are spent together as a family but I organise them and look after DD the vast majority of the time. DH takes DD out occassionally for an hour or so & I get a break/time to work on my business.

BaconMaker - am hoping DD will grow out of feeding to sleep soon! At what age did your DD stop?
Love the idea of going to an exercise class & coffee - I'm going to do that soon :) I used to love going to the gym but since having DD I've not been at all!

Jenniferb21 - 3-4 hours to get your DS to sleep, that must have been so tough!! Good luck with the new bedtime routine and hope he starts falling asleep on his own soon.

[BertPuttocks]

"and he also sorts stuff like insurance, our finances generally, paying bills etc."

How much time does any of that actually take? These days most bills seem to be paid by Direct Debit. Insurance is surely only an annual thing, and even then it often rolls over from one year to the next if no changes are needed.

It doesn't sound like a fair division of labour to me.

[semanwen]

How much time does any of that actually take? These days most bills seem to be paid by Direct Debit. Insurance is surely only an annual thing, and even then it often rolls over from one year to the next if no changes are needed.

I spend 10 hours a week doing this- so not always that simple! We have complex income streams and massive erratic outgoings.