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AIBU to leave him for his own good?

(111 Posts)
babybitchface Sun 19-Feb-17 19:52:20

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 3. Prior to marriage we had a long discussion about children, I was on the fence, he really wanted them. I agreed to potentially 2, but with a have one and we'll see caveat, he agreed.

We had DS last year. I love DS but hate being a mum, had a dreadful birth and never want another child ever. I know I'm done. DH still desperately wants another. DS is 18months. I have said on several occasions that I don't want any more, I don't like being a mum, don't want to bring a child I don't want in to the world etc etc. DH is understandably devastated. I don't get the whole 'desperately wanting kids' thing, I didn't get broody for DS, so whilst I can be empathetic, I certainly don't get where he's coming from.

I'm keeping him from the one thing he desperately wants. We've discussed splitting up so that he can have a family with someone else but he doesn't want to do that, doesn't want to have to explain that to DS when he's older. I also think he's secretly thinking I'll change my mind, despite me being clear I won't.

I don't want him to leave me, I love him very, very much. But not enough to have another child I don't want.

I worry that he'll resent me over time, when it is too late for him to start another family (he has clear ideas of when he'd consider himself too old). I am considering leaving him so that he can pursue his dreams and I can stop feeling guilty (he isn't deliberately feeling guilty but his desire for a second child is palpable).

I just don't know what to do for the best.

babybitchface Sun 19-Feb-17 19:53:12

Oops, it wasn't last year we had DS, I still think were in 2016!

ImperialBlether Sun 19-Feb-17 19:55:29

Tbh I'm shocked that you say you don't like being a mum. If you did split up, would you be happier if your son lived with your husband?

babybitchface Sun 19-Feb-17 19:57:12

Why shocked Imperial?

We'd share custody 50/50.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 19-Feb-17 19:57:49

Would you consider another dc if your dh was a sahp and you worked?

tinglyfing Sun 19-Feb-17 19:59:24

You "hate" being a mum?

I think you need to address that as an issue first before you think about anything else - before your ds picks up on it.

babybitchface Sun 19-Feb-17 20:00:03

Wish - I do work, full time. And no. I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want to give birth. But most importantly I don't want another child.

babybitchface Sun 19-Feb-17 20:01:51

tingly - how? I'm great with him, every one says so. I love him and adore him. I just don't like being a parent.

Bananamama1213 Sun 19-Feb-17 20:02:22

Myself and my husband have been together since 2008 and married since 2015. We have 2 children - boy is 5 and girl is 3. There is only 17 months between them.

I have been pestering him for more children for at least a year now, but more so now that both children will be full time school in September.

He says no, because we already have one of each. Also because he wants me to have my own life, as I was 18 when I had our first so have put my life on hold. But I personally don't see it that way.

I wouldn't ever consider leaving him, no matter how desperate I am for another child. It's a decision we need to make together, (first two were unplanned and I would like a planned baby). If he says no, then I can only wait and hope he changes his mind, but if not then I won't resent him as he's already given me my lovely children.

If you didn't enjoy it then it's good that you're standing your ground and not having another just because he wants to. It's your life too!

HecateAntaia Sun 19-Feb-17 20:02:52

you should not have a child if you dont want one. you cannot bring a life into the world in order to please someone else.
children know whether they are loved and wanted. it's instinct. you do the right thing to say no. a child deserves to be loved and wanted by both parents.
that said, your husband is a grown up. you dont have to make decisions for him. you just need to lay out your position and tell him to make his choice.
you could consider sterilisation. if he knows that you are deadly serious then he wont tell himself that maybe you'll change your mind.

tinglyfing Sun 19-Feb-17 20:04:19

My point is, you are a parent now for the rest of your life!

My concern is for your ds picking up on your hatred of your role. Or do you plan to never let it show? Ever.

MadMags Sun 19-Feb-17 20:05:55

I don't know why everyone is so shocked by your honesty. It's not like you've said you hate your son!

I think that you've done all you can. You've been honest with him. You've told him the truth. He doesn't want to split. What more can you do?

If you're absolutely sure, I'd take long term/permanent contraception.

MadMags Sun 19-Feb-17 20:07:33

My concern is for your ds picking up on your hatred of your role. Or do you plan to never let it show? Ever.

How ridiculous!

Do you think OP plans to sit her son down and tell him she hates being a mother??

MakingMerry Sun 19-Feb-17 20:07:45

It's difficult because your husband could end up with less than he has now, no second relationship and 50% custody, so it's not guaranteed to be for his own good. But if you've been consistent in what you've said, then he knows what he signed up for, then he is being unreasonable in not accepting your decision - and that in itself might be enough to end the marriage.

Does he realise that you leaving is a possibility?

tinglyfing Sun 19-Feb-17 20:08:47

I'm not shocked. I'm interested to know how you keep the hatred of being a parent, separate from raising a child.
Perhaps I should have asked in what sense does op hate being a parent.

babybitchface Sun 19-Feb-17 20:09:50

tingly - I know I'm a parent forever, I just don't know how to address it or change how I feel. The couple of people I have confided in are shocked I feel how I do and say they would never have suspected. I really really hope DS never finds out. He was (and is) wanted. It isn't him I don't like, it is the role and (selfishly) the affect it has had on my body, my life and my career, which I appreciate is selfish, which was one of my reasons for not really wanting children in the first place, I am a naturally selfish person, but I recognise that and do try to compensate for it/ act unselfishly but it is a natural trait of mine.

MakingMerry Sun 19-Feb-17 20:11:13

It does seem rather as though you are trying to derail the thread, tinglyfing. People are allowed to express their feelings about parenthood on an anonymous internet forum.

babybitchface Sun 19-Feb-17 20:11:44

madmags I am on long term contraception. I've discussed sterilisation but he has begged me not too.

MadMags Sun 19-Feb-17 20:14:10

That sounds tough.

Do you think you'll ever change your mind??

If not, I'd consider sterilisation, whether he begs you or not.

It's your body and if you're 100% sure then it's no use not doing it, IYSWIM.

Voice0fReason Sun 19-Feb-17 20:14:49

I can completely understand not wanting to be pregnant or have another child.
I do find the hating being a mum a bit concerning, I don't understand how that sits alongside loving your son.

Talk to each other. He may find it hard to accept but stick to a clear unwavering message and make it very clear that you will never be changing your mind. You could even tell him you want to get sterilised. Then let him make his own decision.

HecateAntaia Sun 19-Feb-17 20:14:56

because he does not accept or respect your stance and thinks he can change your mind.

he needs to know this will not happen.

he chooses whether or not that is a deal breaker for him.

neither of you are wrong. it's just a very unfortunate situation. and the one who does not want a child 'wins' for want of a better word. because it's a life you are talking about.

ShutTheFuckUpBarbara Sun 19-Feb-17 20:16:41

OP I could almost have written your post.

I didn't like being a mum much, until DD was about 3ish and it became more fun and rewarding. She's nearly 6 now and I love being her mother. I guess I am just more of a child person than a baby person.

We have agreed to put the discussion on hold about whether to have another until later this year, but whatever happens we will not leave each other over it.

I didn't really want kids, DH did and made it very clear, very early on in the relationship. Like you OP, we agreed to have one then see how we feel.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, you have been honest from the start. It is down to him what he decides to do now, and as hard as it is you have to let him decide

tinglyfing Sun 19-Feb-17 20:17:06

Madmags - Disagree about what I said being ridiculous.
And er, no I didn't think for one second op would tell her ds she hates being a parent.
Why on earth would she do that?
If I've understood being a parent correctly, then it is probably the major role in your life.
I was simply saying, hiding hatred of that role, can't be easy and I think it's totally reasonable to question the possibility of that impacting on ds.

early30smum Sun 19-Feb-17 20:17:36

Such a tough one. I've seen so many threads where the wife wants another baby and the DH doesn't, and she's often told she's BU so I don't see you're any different. You have one, who you love, I don't see that you should be forced into another. Do you think DH will truly resent you not having another?

clippityclock Sun 19-Feb-17 20:17:36

I love my DS too but I hate being a parent. I would never, ever have another child.

This does not mean my DS is not loved, is not told daily he is loved, Not enjoying being parent does not turn you into some selfish monster!!!

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