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AIBU or is he

(85 Posts)
AngelThursday Sun 19-Feb-17 17:19:16

Need some advice and first time posting so please be kind! Bit of a back story I'm afraid.
Basically DP and I have been married for 16 years with one DS age 15. We met and married quite quickly as we both wanted to start a family and age was not on our side. DS came along quickly and then I fell pregnant again just over a year later. Sadly I miscarried which I found deeply traumatising. DP was upset too but more matter off fact.
After that, what with the trauma of the miscarriage and looking after DS I kind of went off sex. Eventually DP stopped asking and our love life ground to a halt. We haven't slept together in over ten years.
Our marriage, which to an extent, was a bit of a marriage of convenience, has trundled along fairly amicably since. He has many good qualities and has provided well for us financially (he is very successful in his field) and I have been able to be a sahm all these years, pursuing my own interests, and enjoying some luxuries such as a cleaner and gardener, and we go on several holidays a year. When we first married he worked very long hours and so I was very much left to look after DS on my own but this enabled him to be successful and in more recent years he has been able to work free lance giving him more flexibility with his time.
So now I've discovered he's been having an affair for over 4 years! I'm devastated by the deception and betrayal of course, and am stunned by his duplicity. He is citing the main reason for the affair as a lack of sex and intimacy within our marriage which I can see but I feel he should have told me how he was feeling, not gone off behind my back. When I asked him why he didn't talk to me about being unhappy he said he didn't want to break up the family and wanted our DS to have a secure home life.
He assures me the affair has now ended (I'm not convinced) and he wants us to try again but I feel I can't trust him anymore and that his motivation to stay together is to keep face (he is very conscious of this) and because it's easier financially. He accepts he did wrong but says I was niaive to think everything was fine as it was and to an extent, what did I expect him to do all these barren years?
So am Aibu in thinking he should be eating humble pie and begging my forgiveness or does he have a point, and that I am in part to blame?

DJBaggySmalls Sun 19-Feb-17 17:26:12

He did try to tell you how he felt, for 6 years. I'm sorry but I dont thinks its reasonable to not sleep with your husband for over 10 years. I'm not saying you should have forced yourself, but why didnt you consider counselling?

OurBlanche Sun 19-Feb-17 17:27:06

That all sounds confused.

You stayed together out of convenience.

After what, 6 years, he went elswhere for sex and you now want to hold him to the standards of a 'real' marriage?

Are you living together as a married couple or cohabiting?

To be blunt, from your post, nothing from him, it sounds more like you want your gravy train without having to actually have a relationship with it!

TaliDiNozzo Sun 19-Feb-17 17:28:28

Gosh this sounds horrible.

Honestly I think it sounds as though your marriage in real terms has been over for years. I'm not quite sure where my opinion falls on the affair issue but I guess what I'm saying is that I can see this from both sides.

DeterminedToChange Sun 19-Feb-17 17:29:25

I think you have to take blame out of it.

I'm sure he didn't plan to have an affair. If he had, then yes, he could have given you a fair warning that if the state of things stayed the same at home, then that's what would happen.

Did you want a sexless marriage? Did you ever approach him and get rejected? Did you think he'd be happy with no sex? I assume not as he was making approaches to you.

I do think that if a married couple become two friends living together, there's a vacancy for a romantic partner. Most people want romance and most want sex.

The fact he didn't leave after four years seems to indicate he wants to stay with you. I know how upsetting it is when a partner has an affair, but it can be truly awful trying to have a sexual relationship with your partner and getting rejected time after time.

Did you ever listen to the at programme on Radio 4 recently, when a woman was in the same boat as you and she put forward her point of view? She was furious, which didn't help her, but I have to say I felt sorry for her husband. And I've been in your position, too, so I know how horrible that feels.

FellOutOfBed2wice Sun 19-Feb-17 17:30:34

I think it would be better for everybody concerned to split, wouldn't it? It doesn't sound like you love one another really.

Hercules12 Sun 19-Feb-17 17:30:52

Is it really an affair though? You've had a platonic relationship for 10 years.

DrivingMeBonkers Sun 19-Feb-17 17:32:28

What's changed? You still don't have to have sex, you get to SAH, with a cleaner and a gardener and follow your own interests.

Let's face it, you've invested nothing emotionally into this marriage of convenience; you're worried you might have to fend for yourself. I'm surprised it took him so long to look for affection and intimacy.

HerBluebiro Sun 19-Feb-17 17:35:39

You went off sex. He did not.

He had a choice. To stay and never have sex again. To leave you and ds (and all the difficulties to everyone that would entail). To have an affair - discreet or blatant.

He chose a discreet affair.

I'm not sure I would have. But I'm not sure I would have stayed 10 years with an amicable companion if I wanted a wife.

You now have a choice. Accept he wants sex and either provide it or continue to deny it. If you deny it (as is entirely your right by the way. No way should you feel forced here). You get to choose to allow him to sleep with someone else- an open marriage can have degrees of openness - or you can refuse to allow this and accept the marriage will likely end. He may be willing to be celibate. But that is a big ask of you of him. If it is your condition to keep the marriage going that is his choice again. Accept it or accept the marriage is over.

AQuietMind Sun 19-Feb-17 17:37:02

I'm sorry but I actually feel extremely sorry for your dh. The way your op reads is you have spent the last 10 years quite happily taking but with no giving ( and I don't just mean sex).

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Sun 19-Feb-17 17:39:13

Tbh if he left i wouldnt blame him. Sexless marriage with no intimacy when it is not your choice sounds awful.

He should have just left you 4 years ago.

He has apologised and explained himself. You should now try counselling to address you issues surrounding sex and intimacy so you can make an attempt to improve your marriage.

I dont see what choice you have tbh. You get past these issues and make a go of the marriage or you realise you cant and divorce.

DrivingMeBonkers Sun 19-Feb-17 17:41:34

The thing that has also struck me - this has been written as though from a woman, thus the content of the OP is accepted as 'fact'.

If it were the man, or indeed the other woman stating the male had been in a sexless relationship for 10 years there would be cries of "he tells everyone that" "lies" "that's a cheats first chat up line" etc.

If nothing else you've brought to the forum that some women do withhold sex, some men do put up with it for a very long time before being forced to look elsewhere for affection.

esiotrot2015 Sun 19-Feb-17 17:44:49

If you do manage to forgive him are you prepared to have a full relationship with him now that you know he needs/wants sex in his life?

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox Sun 19-Feb-17 17:45:52

I'm just surprised this was never discussed at some point. That's really not a relationship.

BoobleMcB Sun 19-Feb-17 17:46:00

Pretty much agree with PPs sorry. You've had a platonic relationship for the last 10 years. You've essentially been friends by the sounds of it. But with one person contributing significantly more. Apologies if that sounds harsh.

I suppose the options now are, as said, stay married and stay together keeping your life and DS life stability. If you do this you either provide the physicality he obviously needs or allow him to find it elsewhere (this is a solution more common than you would expect).

Either that or you divorce him, humiliate him, and walk away with a nice settlement.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Sun 19-Feb-17 17:46:25

Well of cours. But it is the op saying she has withheld the sex?!

In your -ridiculous- examples bonkers The ow would be relying on the adulterers word. The man might be saying to the ow that his wife is withholding sex when shenisnt. Here in this thread it is the op who daid she is withholding the sex. Why would she lie?!

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sun 19-Feb-17 17:47:08

10 years without sex or intimacy is a hell of a long time, I think your DH is right about the denial on your part-surely you didn't honestly think your marriage was ok? It does indeed sound as though you have become way too comfortable with the life provided by your husband, perhaps it's time for you to give something back or split & allow him to find someone who wants the same things as him.

secondhoneymoon Sun 19-Feb-17 17:50:04

Well you did ask - YABU. By your own admission you had a 'marriage of convenience', you don't need to go out to work nor do you have to clean or garden and you have nice holidays.
No one should have sex if they don't want to but sex is a normal part of a happy marriage, even if you're not 'at it like Rabbits'. I suspect your DH feels a bit used and quite frankly in his position I'd have been tempted to have an affair

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon Sun 19-Feb-17 17:51:20

what he did isn't right but you haven't really had a marriage either so not sure I can blaim him really. Why didn't you fight for your marriage sooner (both of you not just you?6

DrivingMeBonkers Sun 19-Feb-17 18:01:23

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Thank you for your considered opinion. Next time I want a personal attack I'll ask for it from someone with some verbal dexterity.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Sun 19-Feb-17 18:03:58

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DrivingMeBonkers Sun 19-Feb-17 18:05:11

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 I love keyboard warriors. Always with the excuses.

MadMags Sun 19-Feb-17 18:06:03

Did you expect him to be sexless because you chose to be?

He didn't pressure you or threaten you so probably assumed that this was a compromise of sorts?

I feel quite sorry for him! You have one almost adult child and are living off him, you don't have a marriage to speak of, and you don't even do much at home!

I'm not saying SAHM have to stay in the kitchen, before anyone jumps on me but I do wonder what you actually contribute to this marriage...

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Sun 19-Feb-17 18:11:59

bonkers are you serious? You were being the keyboard warrior insisting people only believed op because she is female. So you completely missed the point that people believed the op because she was the one withholding the sex would have absolutely no reason to lie, unlike the male adulterer or ow in your own example. then you attacked me for my typing, which was rather needless and a little catty. If you cant see rhat then maybe you meed to have a little sit down and read it again. before you embarrass yourself further

WarwickDavisAsPlates Sun 19-Feb-17 18:14:57

What has he said about it OP? Does he want to leave and be with the OW or does he want to try and fix the marriage?

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