To not want him to contact my family(47 Posts)
I am a couple of months away from separating from my partner and this morning he has asked if he can have email addresses for my family (siblings, parents, aunts, uncles) so that he can apologise for his behaviour over the time we have been together.
He has wanted nothing to do with them over the years and has sent an abusive email to one family member, totally ignored others if they have actually been to visit but has made it difficult for any of my family to come to our house.
I have said that if they want him to contact them he can do so after we have actually separated and we are living in separate houses and all money is sorted etc. He can write to them (I'd probably do this via a solicitor as I don't want him to have their addresses.) He say's by saying 'No' I am being controlling, holding on to all the bad stuff from the past and not allowing him to apologise and move on. He said he thought I'd be pleased he wanted to apologise to them. But I just feel like I want to protect them. AIBU?
YANBU. I think the solicitor is the right way to go.
Tell him he can write via there if he must.
Terrible how abusers even want to use their 'recovery' to manipulate and bully.
I know AA strongly encourages apologies as part of their program, but there has to be consideration of the wishes of those being apologised too.
Don't let him manipulate you to his way of thinking. I think the letters through a Solicitor are a great idea, what's he got to moan about if all he wants to do is apologise.?
Just say no way. They will not want this and he has no right to it.
I would tell him that you cannot stop him from getting in touch with them should he wish, but that it is not your place to pass on their contact details and he will need to find that out himself. Alternatively you can pass his details on to them for them to choose whether or not they want to get in touch.
What if he is genuinely remorseful though?
Tell him to fuck off. That should do it.
What Bewty said - exactly. It is not your place to provide contact addresses of relatives who have expressed no wish to be contacted. It's not about you being controlling; it's about respect for their privacy. Mind you I can see why you wouldn't want to encourage contact on your own account as well - but is it really controlling to refuse to hand your ex a stick to beat you with?
So what if he's remorseful, that doesn't mean you have to obey him when he starts having a go at you for not doing what he wants.
The letters through a Solicitor scenario is a sensible course of action, don't give in to him.
You said you wanted to protect your family so carry on as you are planning to.
Fuck that. Under no circumstances do what he's asking. You don't owe him anything.
If he's gnuinely remorseful, he'll understand that the solicitor is the appropriate way to express that...
If he's actually remorseful he can send the letters/emails to you or your solicitor. You can then make the choice to pass it on. Trust your gut on this.
It's not your place to pass family members contact details him to him.
Tell him you'll give them his email address at the most.
If he were really remorseful he would respect their wishes, and recognise that although he owes them an apology, they don't owe him the chance to deliver it when and how he wants.
Ignore him. You've said no. You've given him the option of going through the solicitor.
"so that he can apologise for his behaviour over the time we have been together."
He owes that apology to YOU. And seriously - if he knows them so little he hasn't got their email addresses already, then it's tough. What is he more likely to do with an email address - write one sincere apology, or write offensive abusive rants and sign your relatives up to extreme porn sites to be spammed? IF he wanted to apologise (he doesn't) then a handwritten note would come across better and he should do that, via the solicitor.
"What if he is genuinely remorseful though?"
He isn't. He is pissed that you won't stick around for further abuse in person, and is planning to continue his abuse of you by abusing your family. Abusers don't give up easily - they're entitled to abuse you, as far as they're concerned .
"He say's by saying 'No' I am being controlling, holding on to all the bad stuff from the past and not allowing him to apologise and move on."
Trying to gaslight you. Confuse you to the point where you can't tell truth from fiction. This is total fiction. Plus, he can apologise - he can put pen to paper and send it via the solicitor.
You are doing the right thing by NOT giving him those addresses. He will only use them to his own ends. If his remorse was genuine, he would see that his 'moving on' (what bollocks!) is less important than the protection of the feelings of others. He doesn't see that, his remorse is fake.
If he genuinely wanted to apologise, he would have no problem with contacting them via a solicitor. Don't even think about passing on other people's contact details to him.
Genuine remorseful or not is not your concern, OP. He's not your
responsibility and you've done more than enough by generously
suggesting he can write to them via your solicitor.
My ex tried this. There was talk of him nipping down to see them (they live 200 miles away) and him trying on the 'best buddy' act whenever he saw them but they didn't buy it.
He still says he might pop and see them from time to time but they have both moved since we split up and I'm not telling him their new addresses. Tbh, these days it would probably be a genuine catch up situation but when we first split it would very much have been about him putting his side across and bad mouthing me. I kept my brothers out of it. If I'd actually told them the real reasons why we'd split, they'd have got very protective of me and it wouldn't have ended well.
If he's not willing to pass letters on via a solicitor, I think that tells you all you need to know. He's trying to manipulate you and turn your family against you. Tell him to fuck off.
YANBU. Would your family feel better receiving an email from your ex? It sounds highly unlikely so he's only seeking to alleviate his own sense of guilt or to satisfy some narcissistic desire to have your daily think he's a decent person. Why should you or your family facilitate this?
I never give out anyone's (friends or family) private email address, phone number etc without their express permission. Maybe you could have the same rule.
He doesn't want to apologise.
He wants access to your family so he can compose long emails explaining his side of the story. They will be full of faux concern for your mental health and will express his hurt and bemusement that you have been so harsh.
He wants your family to doubt his fault and abuse. He wants them to start wondering 'what if there ARE two sides to this, maybe User is a bit dramatic sometimes'
Then he will be in and and he can continue to manipulate and abuse you despite you being strong enough to get away.
If he was truly remorseful he would have done a hundred things before now. He wants you to hand over the means for him to keep controlling you.
He actually stupidly said that it was so that he would feel better. Then when I pulled him up on it added, for their benefit too. He doesn't often slip up during arguments and usually makes me feel like I am in the wrong. He said he wants closure. To add, he called my a CU*T during this 'conversation' too.
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