Godparents... AIBU?(198 Posts)
Don't know whether this is pregnancy hormones but I'm feeling a little hurt atm about the way or rat friends /proposed godparents are acting.
After 3 year battle with infertility and multiple rounds of ivf, I'm 12 weeks pregnant. We are overjoyed. Our best friends (couple with kids of their own) know all about our struggles, including m/c and failures - and the impact it's had on us.
It had always been discussed that they would be godparents of our child - they are good loving people.
Now the difficult bit - after all the upset and difficulty we've had - now I am pregnant they have 'dropped off the radar' and are actually noticeably disinterested? Early scans (x2) were very stressful for us and despite knowing this and when they were, neither of them asked how they went or wished us well? Now I know that the baby is pivotal and central to our lives and I'm in no way arrogant enough to think they should 'hang on' to every milestone - but these were significant and they KNEW how worried we were.
Everytime they call/text (usually 2-3 times a week) they NEVER ask how I am or how the pregnancy is going.
This week I'm waiting on the results of blood test to tell me that the baby is ok (trisomy tests) and the sex. Again, husband told them this and still not even an acknowledgement.
To top it off, last time we were out for dinner with them they mocked me for 'putting my life on hold' by not going to Malaysia for our holidays (in March when I'm four months) because of the Zika risk.
The only thing they have acknowledged is that 'I'll be the taxi for the summer cos you can't have a drink'. Similarly there has been a couple of insensitive comments about miscarriage but I let them go over my head.
Am I being oversensitive? The 'turnaround' in behaviour is staggering - until now they had been interested/involved - and now it's like they are actively avoiding the fact I'm pregnant.
typo! First para should read 'our best' friends! Not rat!
I get what you're saying but I do think you are being too sensitive. Which is understandable in the circumstances but your friends haven't actually don't anything wrong.
I actually think it's nice they aren't asking for every detail, come later in the pregnancy you'll probably be grateful for someone who doesn't just want to talk about the baby - I know I was!
Sorry missed the insensitive comments about miscarriage bit. What did they say? That's not on.
YANBU. I wouldn't give them another thought though. Leave the ball of friendship in their court and see what happens.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck!
Thanks Tali-D - I'm hoping with all my heart they start to show an interest. I just don't understand the turnaround from literally 'how's the drugs/how did embryo transfer go/what happens now' to ....
The m/c comments were hurtful - I had to have a termination at 9w5d as the baby was significantly underdeveloped. She said 'you're not the first and you won't be the last this happens to' - and nothing else. Bit harsh on the day of the
Other m/c comments were 'do you think it's something you did?' (Thanks, cos I haven't torn myself in shreds mulling over that)
And 'Maybe some people just aren't made to have children'.
I don't hold these comments against her she can be very thoughtless.
CatsRiding - thanks for your comments. How do i do this... I don't want 'a fall out' - just not instigate contact? My mum reckons I should tell them why I'm upset but I'm not so sure
Congratulations, sounds like you've had an awful time and finally got there, wishing you all the best in your pregnancy.
Sorry you're having to deal with the upset from your friends. To give another perspective, I have a relative currently going trough ivf and so am constantly trying to ensure I aren't doing or saying anything "wrong" that might be too upsetting for them. Could it be that your friends are trying to just let you tell them and involve them at your pace so they aren't risking doing anything that might hurt or upset you? Maybe they feel that you might not want to be questioned about scams and tests after everything you've been through? They could be thinking "hmm they had a scan today but haven't heard from them, I wonder if everything is ok but they would call if they needed to talk?" Or something similar.
Not in any way to excuse the behaviour because naturally I'm sure you desperately want to cherish and share these moments you've longed for, but itncould be that they just don't want to intrude or upset you?
Could you talk to them about it?
If it's not that then I'd say maybe they aren't god parent material but there could be a reasonable explanation. I know that I find it very hard when talking about it with my relative because I desperately don't want to say anything wrong that sometimes I say something that I regret for weeks and worry about whether I've hurt their feelings.
I hope you sort it out and enjoy the rest if your pregnancy.
Maybe they are bored of the running commentary ?
It isn't that interesting outside your family.
Comments about miscarriage are not on. But if they were there for you through the bad shit, surely you can give them a break if they're not super excited now.
Okay the miscarriage comments are not on but they are not heinous and sound to me like someone being clumsy because they don't know what to say and so the absolute wrong thing comes out. It wasn't very nice but I'd give them the benefit of the doubt on that I think.
Honestly I think you need to take a step back on the other stuff. They are good friends to you by all accounts and friendships are supportive in different ways. Try not to condemn them for not behaving how you'd want them to, it doesn't make them wrong or unsupportive.
Jay55 there isn't a running commentary - as I said in the original post I accept that beyond my husband and I it's not pivotal in other people's lives - even close friends. But it's the 'marked change' in them - they used to be very supportive and always knew and enquiried about the milestones.
Now - nothing.
Dinosaur - thanks for your perspective from 'the other side' and not wanting to ask in case it's bad news etc. Again the issue is they never hold back in asking the 'tough' questions 'when are you going to give up' .... 'do you realise this may never happen' ... but now it has happened they have literally cut off. Neither DH nor I understand and have wracked our brains as to why the turnaround.
That's exactly what I did re m/c- ignored at the time as couldn't cope with it and have ignored it since - she isn't vindictive she can just be thoughtless and not just in relation to this
I'd let it fade. I wouldn't be able to get past her asking if the miscarriage was due to something I did, or that some people weren't meant to be parents. Not supportive in any shape or form, and actually cruel.
I understand not asking about scans and tests as these are things you wait to be told about in case the news isn't good; however I would ask a good friend.
I'd probably respond if she got in touch but I wouldn't instigate contact. See what happens when baby's here.
Re your update: is she really just thoughtless, or is she actually vindictive? Hard for us to tell without knowing what she's said. The other comments in your update are horrible too: when are you going to give up???
It's the 'godparent' angle that poses
an issue. If this carries on, it's not really appropriate or preferable for them to be godparents. But how on earth do we manage that one?!!!
I genuinely want to believe she is thoughtless. She is starting the menopause atm and there have also been a few comments about how she conceived her babies 'naturally' (15 years ago) -
Once her husband shut her up as it got a bit much.
I'm not the type to bite back at nastiness- maybe i should be. My husband has shot her down a couple of times but I don't think she has a lot of 'awareness'.
Understandably everything you've been through and are now going through is the most important consuming thing in your life.
It's amazing and wonderful that you are pregnant. I can only begin to imagine how you feel.
But is the fact that it's been all consuming too much for your friends.
Do they feel this is all you talk about when together. Sometimes people don't realise how much what's happening to them dominates a relationship.
I have friends that I've backed away from because the relationship is not two way. I don't think they realised it. I seem to have spent the time listening to them and sat there thinking are they at some point going to ask about how it's going in my life.
Do you contact them after doctor appts etc for them. Perhaps they feel it's a normal pregnancy and don't feel it needs to be asked about.
Maybe they are worried about saying something wrong, stressing you out or something going wrong so they are waitIng till you are further down the line to show a lot of excitement and ask questions (or maybe not)? When I went through Mcs I know a lot of my poor friends felt really awkward about what to say until I was much further along. Best of luck with your pregnancy and I hope things work out with your friend
Don't even mention it, then when the time comes say you've changed your minds. Once you're further on with your pregnancy things may change, but that depends if you can get past the comments. If you want the friendship then I guess you'll have to tackle the issues. If your friendship fades then they wouldn't expect to still be godparents anyway. Can you just say you're keeping it in the family?
Just don't ask them. If the relationship fades, they won't be around to ask.
I'm wondering though if now they're thinking that everything is a-ok because you're pregnant. They may think that any tests i.e. trisonomy, that you have and are nervous about is just you guys making a mountain out of a molehill, or being a drama queen etc, because for them pregnancy didn't have such stress as they don't personally know what it is to lose a baby or want one so badly - hence the previous comments. It doesn't mean they're right though.
Thanks Silverdream -
As I said above, really conscious that this isn't central in other people's lives & we behave accordingly....
Especially with friends - we have the '5% rule' which is we only ever discussed infertility if they brought it up (which as supportive friends they did!) and then we'd only spend 5% of our time talking about it. Other people don't a) understand it all and b) find it boring.
With these friends in particular I've gone out of my way to not let it impact 'normality' (eg when I've been on a lot of meds or exhausted, always still socialised, gone to effort cooking for them etc) - literally the only thing that has changed in our friendship on practical terms is that I don't drink anymore (they do drink quite a lot socially)
Do they have kids themselves? Perhaps they are scared to say the wrong thing. Being excited about a baby they have decided may not survive could be difficult for them. They sound very pragmatic so distancing would be the most sensible course of action that way they protect themselves. Otherwise they're perhaps jealous. It is also very hard to understand why people don't stop when they reach a certain point with ivf. When I was doing mine abroad where we lived, I met a woman on her 12th cycle. I really couldn't understand it. I still can't but then, would I have continued if I weren't successful with dd on my 2nd cycle and 3rd attempt to get pregnant?
Sorrel & Levantine - thanks I'm mooching slowly toward the let it fade and see what they do angle...
We don't want to lose their friendship but just can't fathom the turnaround. We were a lot more miserable and on edge whilst going through ivf - we're happy as can be now so just don't get it!
I also think I'd pull away and see what happens. They aren't responding so you've got nothing to lose by stopping texts and waiting.
Dragon- yes they have two older teen children - no issues at all. And they have relatives who have ivf twins who they dote on and give 'running commentary' on but only see once a year?
Another hurtful comment was that I was 'daft' for not announcing pregnancy straightway. I said no as I m/c at 9 weeks previously. She still couldn't understand but I didn't challenge her.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.