To be really angry with dh for being so lax about children's health?

[Lolaalola]

This is about quite a few things, I'll try not to drip feed but I might forget something.

One thing was, mil was complaining about having cold sores, this was on the Thursday, one the Sunday she was at our house showering our baby with kisses. I should have said something there and then but I expected dh to as it's his mum.

After she'd gone I asked him to gently mention something to her as she might not have realised how contagious they are, or how dangerous they can be for babies.

His attitude was that his mum used to kiss him with cold sores and he's ok. He ended up telling m to fuck off. I showed him an article about a toddler that had been seriously ill for nearly two years after catching herpes from a relative with a cold sore, he promised he'd mention it but never has. I feel it should come from him because mil already think I'm fussy so will just be dismissive.

Another one was when mil came with another relative who was very ill with a stinking cold, bad throat, aches and pains, the lot. The baby was only a few weeks old and I was exhausted so last thing we needed was to catch a cold.

There had been a conversation beforehand where mil was going to persuade this ill relative to come and see us. I'd asked dh to put them off if he was ill but dh denied they were coming even though I knew what I'd heard.

Dh is imo really grubby with food hygiene, he's sloppy with raw meat letting it drip onto other food and recently gave our older child ham that had been in the fridge open for over a week. It should have been consumed within 2 days, I'd have stretched to 4 but it should have been chucked imo. I'm not bothered about best before dates but don't think meat is worth the risk.

I've no proof we've ever got ill from poor food hygiene but the kids have definitely caught viruses from his ill relatives spreading the love.

Aibu and if not how can I get him to listen.

I try to talk calmly or show him nhs site about hand washing, spread of illness but he just says he 'doesn't believe in all that'.

[GladysKnight]

Maybe get him to come to hv appt and say to the HV: 'I wonder if you can help settle an argument between us, I'm not sure if I'm right but will take your advice'?

[user1471517900]

It sounds like you both need to change a bit. The ham is fine (assuming it didn't look or smell off), the cold sore thing he should definitely have mentioned to his mum. So..... On fence.

[GladysKnight]

Also dependsing on how generally kind to you your dhis, persuadehim to do as you ask 'because I worry' even he is not convinced you right. I think you are right btw!

[BoboChic]

It sounds as if your DH grew up in a home with poor understanding of health and hygiene. You need to educate him but it won't happen overnight. Maybe buy some good books on hygiene, health and nutrition?

[Semaphorically]

He doesn't "believe in" hand washing? It's not a religion, it's scientifically proven to reduce the spread of disease

I'd make it clear to him how revolting poor hygiene is and also how quickly small babies can get ill (I'm from the school of parenting that lets them eat dirt for immune development, but herpes is a different matter). Don't downplay it, you are right and you're doing the right thing trying to protect your kids.

As an aside, according to a sign I saw in hospital when I was pregnant, approximately 30% of women and 50% of men in the UK don't wash their hands after using the loo. No wonder norovirus is rampant every winter!

[BaconMaker]

GladysKnight has a good point. Even if he feels you're being overly anxious I think it would be nice of him to meet you half way out of respect for your feelings. Probably will help to approach him from the angle that "this will make me feel happier" rather than "you and our relatives are grubby germ sponges".

[Magicpaintbrush]

Omg - raw meat dripping onto other food??? That is really bad. If he's hoping to give you all food poisoning then that's the way to do it. Boak. YANBU - I think all your concerns are valid.

And I would have chucked the ham after the 2 days.

[Magicpaintbrush]

Omg - raw meat dripping onto other food??? That is really bad. If he's hoping to give you all food poisoning then that's the way to do it. Boak. YANBU - I think all your concerns are valid.

And I would have chucked the ham after the 2 days.

[icelolly99]

Don't wait for your husband to speak up! Your concerns about his Mum's lack of care/awareness about herpes is obviously is not important to him. I would say something directly his MiL about cold sores; she needs to know how serious they are! Your childs health is more important. Even if babies/children don't show any symptoms of the virus they can still catch it when little and it will manifest as cold sores when they are adults; once you have this herpesvirus you cannot get rid of it! Good luck.

[MeNeedSleep]

If it's that important then you should have mentioned it. Surely you'd mention it to any other person, regardless of whether they're directly realted to you?

Why didn't you chuck the ham out once you'd noticed it had been open for more than a couple days?

Not washing hands is disgusting but surely if you know he doesn't do it now you knew he didn't do it before dc were born?

[Silvercatowner]

I zoned out after reading he told you to fuck off. Really, nice people who love you don't do that.

[EmeraldScorn]

I wouldn't be concerned about the ham, providing it looked/smelled alright then it will have been safe to consume.

His mother being lax about spreading germs is something that would annoy me, especially around a baby.

You really just need to open your mouth, be firm and say "With all due respect if you or any of your relatives are unwell or have cold sores then I'd appreciate it if you didn't visit during that period."

Your home, your child, your rules!

[GabsAlot]

he told u to fuck off over it?

thats an arsehole right there-i dont go by dates i just smell things but yanbu about the cold sores thats gross

[Cel982]

Your husband told you to fuck off? That's not normal or ok, OP.

[Lolaalola]

I didn't say anything because my in laws already think I'm stupid because I get the kids to wash hands before eating and so on.

They wouldn't listen to me but would to dh.

I didn't chuck the ham because I'm not solely responsible for clearing out the fridge. I'd forgotten, we'd used half the pack on pizzas about 12 days before. Besides, dh would eat the ham, he'd eat anything even if it was growing fur, so it's not up to me to throw his food away and that's his choice, I wouldn't risk it on the kids though.

The food is a smaller issue to be honest.

Yes I always knew he was sloppy. When I met him he was living with a toilet literally covered in piss and a bath that apparently didn't need cleaning because it gets cleaned when you use it. The one time he did clean a bathroom he wiped all the crusty yellow piss off the toilet then used the same sponge to clean the sink. Probably would have washed up with it then too.

We've been together for 10 years and he's a lovely man and a good hands on dad. He's much more careful now than he was because he tolerates my fussiness.

Plus I just do most of the cleaning.

[lottiegarbanzo]

You allowed someone with a cold sore to kiss your baby? You didn't intervene to prevent that? I find that quite shocking.

I think you need to be a lot less passive and subservient to others' feelings (rather your perception of how they will feel). By all means be pleasant and polite - but be firm. Protect your baby.

'I don't believe in all that' is a stupid statement and you can't argue with stupidity, you have to work around it. If your DH shows any interest in dispelling his ignorance that's great but, in the meantime, you will need to set and enforce basic rules, making it very clear that for you (and other people in possession of very simple knowledge) they are really important.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Oh yes, the telling you to fuck off and lying to you parts - well the other thing to do about dangerous stupidity is exclude it.

[Lolaalola]

Yes he told me to fuck off. He got incredibly angry because I asked him to mention to his mum that coldsores can be dangerous to babies.

He is usually very mild mannered but cannot stand any form of perceived criticism.

Him speeding and tailgating is another one. So we are approaching a speed camera and I can clearly see he's doing 45 in a 30 zone. I'll tell him it's 30 here and there are speed camera. He'll brake hard and shout that he's only doing 28. Tailgating is the fault of the car in front of course.

[Lolaalola]

I am too passive and I should have said something but I hate confrontation. As I say they already think I'm silly.

[iloveberries]

You're not fussy

He's disgusting

But he's growing up with what he learnt so he needs re-educating. This can kill a marriage if he won't learn to "improve"!his standards.

[EweAreHere]

Your DH is out of order. Completely.

You need to tell your MIL that if she has active cold sores, she's not to kiss the baby, end of. If she gets upset or offended, refer her to her own GP for advice. If you don't do this, your baby will get the herpes coldsore virus from here because you refused to advocate for your baby: you know it's an issue, your DH refuses to acknowledge it's an issue, so you have to be the one to speak up.

As for the driving, perhaps you should drive.

[GabsAlot]

he sounds fun-does he know u can get pulled over for tailgating whther or not u think its the car in fronts fault

[Nanny0gg]

We've been together for 10 years and he's a lovely man

Really? Sorry to be rude, but do you think your standards are a bit low? He sounds foul.

[HappyFlappy]

As someone else has said, your baby could easily contract a cold sore and the herpes virus `NEVER leaves your system.

Babies can go blind or develop brain damage from cold sores. Are you breastfeeding? This will probably provide a degree of immunity, but please - DON'T let anyone who has a cold sore or any other infections disease touch and in particular kiss, your baby.

[Lolaalola]

Sorry I am reading all the replies and advice too.

Yes I could drive but I feel my husband should drive safely.

These are my bugbears but of course he's got loads of nice traits.

It isn't usual or him to tell me to fuck off he just thinks I'm overcautious and that everything will be ok.

I don't think I am just basic standards, I still live my life, kids go to friends, parks, soft play, school, nursery getting mucky as children do and I don't have any complaints.