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To ask what advice you would give these friends?

(16 Posts)
pinkmartini01 Sat 18-Feb-17 17:14:04

Name changed for this.

I'm not sure if this is a trend but two of my best friends are currently in terrible relationships but won't leave their partners and I don't understand how it can get to the point where a woman prefers to be unhappy and treated poorly than to set herself free.

I also don't know what more advice to give these friends other than to leave their partners and reassure them that being single is really ok!

Friend A - been with boyfriend 4 months and already he is abusive, incredibly possessive and controlling and has taken serious advantage of her financially. She freely admits all of this and she is suffocated. She keeps saying she's going to end it but just won't when push comes to shove.

Friend B - been with boyfriend 6 years. He makes no effort with her, haven't had sex in months, doesn't take care of himself or her (doesn't even shower etc). They have had numerous discussions and nothing changes. They are currently buying a house together!! She desperately wants to pull out of it (all money for deposit is hers) but again just won't do it.

Both in their mid twenties, very attractive and otherwise fun women.

AIBU to wonder what it is that makes staying in a dead relationship more appealing than being single and has this now become the norm? What advice would you give a friend in a similar situation?

DrivingMeBonkers Sat 18-Feb-17 17:15:46

Don't give advice unless it's asked for.

They clearly have capacity and are allowed to fuck their own lives up; both can see what they are going into with their eyes wide open.

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents Sat 18-Feb-17 17:17:50

I wouldn't, unless they asked for it. Not your circus.

Ragwort Sat 18-Feb-17 17:20:27

Actually I think as a good friend you should have a gentle discussion. Ask your friends 'are you really happy with this situation?' and see where it leads.

I have a friend in a pretty sad relationship - we have discussed it frankly, she knows my views and she has explained why she stays - whilst I don't agree with her, I can see her reasons.

Birdsgottaf1y Sat 18-Feb-17 17:23:30

I'd direct Friend 1 to the relationship board on here and tell her to read the links posted on DA/EA threads.

Friend 2, likewise, but if she's going ahead with a house purchase, then you'd probably be wasting your time.

There's always something in the persons past, they means that they minimise abusive behaviour, or they've been broken down, over time.

BoomBoomsCousin Sat 18-Feb-17 17:24:53

Since they both have their eyes open to what's going on, I think the best advice would be to encourage them to do things that would improve their self esteem. You can't change the immediate situation for them. Possibly for the one buying a house, you might be able to come up with excuses she could use to pull out of that. But mainly you just need to be there when they are ready to change things. Frustrating as that obviously feels.

MrsMoastyToasty Sat 18-Feb-17 17:26:09

I think it's because some women would rather have a bad relationship than go it alone

jeaux90 Sat 18-Feb-17 17:27:03

If they know what they are in for then you just have to be supportive although I agree a gentle conversation about whether they are happy is a good call.

I just had to intervene with someone I really care about and show them they were in an emotionally abusive relationship. It's hard.

Astro55 Sat 18-Feb-17 17:27:51

I'd ask them straight - when moaning about their BF

'Do you want to buy the house?'
'Do you want to have sexy with him

They will not only give you a straight answer - but it could also be a question they've never asked themselves -

ComicSans Sat 18-Feb-17 17:30:01

How do you know all this, OP? I mean, is it your own observation, or are they telling you about their unhappiness?

nutbrownhare15 Sat 18-Feb-17 17:35:55

I'm in a similar situation with one of my friends. He's incredibly selfish and immature and obsessed with seeing his mum.all the time. He's also a commitment phone and everything is on his terms. But in her words he's the best relationship she's ever had, there are some good things in there somewhere. She has said she feels she can talk to me as I don't tell her what to do. It's really frustrating but all you can do is listen and support them. I feel that the reason women often stay is because they hope things will get better and they love aspects of that person. That's why i stayed in a crap relationship for 4 years. They also worry they won't meet anyone else if they leave. People can tell you all they like how great you are but once you are single there are no guarantees you will meet anyone, or that's how it feels.

pinkmartini01 Sat 18-Feb-17 17:53:38

I know all this because both of them tell me how unhappy they are. I wouldn't just make observations on their lives but they do ask my opinion.

I've left several relationships that weren't right for many reasons including abuse and now I'm happy on my own (although am
Currently dating someone new). They always refer to me as 'the independent one' and say that they couldn't possibly cope without a man because they don't have my personality when obviously it's not a personality trait as such. I've been trying to reinforce that it hurts like hell at first but that it does get better once you learn to be comfortable with yourself.

I guess it's just frustrating that they are really great women and wasting their time on people who are just not worthy of it but I don't know how to make them see sense!

pinkmartini01 Sat 18-Feb-17 17:54:47

Girl a - doesn't want to be with bf but says she will leave him 'when the time is right'.

Girl b doesn't want to buy the house but thinks she can't be on her own either.

refusetobeasheep Sat 18-Feb-17 18:01:09

Please just ensure you see them regularly. And just keep repeating that you're there for them whatever happens. You see them as doing nothing but the truth is they will be fighting small battles day in day out. And their self confidence will gradually be ebbing away. Don't let them become isolated, I would say that is the biggest thing you can do.

haveacupoftea Sat 18-Feb-17 19:34:44

Are you sure they don't want to be with their partners because their actions suggest that they do. You may be frustrated but they have free will and any attempts to force them to leave will put you on a part with the abusive partners.

lljkk Sat 18-Feb-17 19:47:51

"You deserve better" is the only message I would push.

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