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AIBU?

To hate my 15 yr old DD

94 replies

memorial · 18/02/2017 13:38

That's it really. She was a lovely little girl in primary school. She's bright and beautiful. But just so awful. Rude, attitude, not achieving at school, does nothing in house ( I am single working parent with younger DD2 as well). Wants to go out every night or have friends stay. Every conversation ends in an argument. Horrible to her sister. Just don't like her one little bit at the moment.

OP posts:

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memorial · 18/02/2017 13:39

That's it really. She was a lovely little girl in primary school. She's bright and beautiful. But just so awful. Rude, attitude, not achieving at school, does nothing in house ( I am single working parent with younger DD2 as well). Wants to go out every night or have friends stay. Every conversation ends in an argument. Horrible to her sister. Just don't like her one little bit at the moment.

OP posts:

Dilligaf81 · 18/02/2017 13:39

You can hate someone and still love them. Its hard but better than pretending everything is just fine and letting it go.
Bo advise as none of my dc are at that ae yet but hope you get there. X

Lilaclily · 18/02/2017 13:41

Sympathy op , id let the little things go but being rude and cheeky to you and dd2 and she doesn't get friends to stay
When she gets home from school don't immediately ask her how her day is , leave her to be on her own for a bit, they're on all day at that age and let you bear the brunt of their frustrations

Mynestisfullofempty · 18/02/2017 13:41

I hope your daughter has someone in her life who doesn't hate her.

Cleebope · 18/02/2017 13:44

Don't worry, the bright, beautiful girl is still there and she will come back to you. It's so hard being a single parent as she will take all her frustrations and anger out on you. I think fighting can be a sign of how close she really feels subconsciously to you. At 15 I hated my mum and she hated me back. Once I left home at 17 I realised how much I missed her and by my mid twenties we were friends again.

alltouchedout · 18/02/2017 13:45

She's 15. 15 year olds are often very difficult, probably because being 15 is often very difficult.

Maudlinmaud · 18/02/2017 13:45

Op this is sad and you sound frustrated. Have you any family or friends you can talk to about the issues? Teens are hard work at times and it's a good thing to ask for support.

memorial · 18/02/2017 13:45

She is spoilt and not wanting of anything especially love from me. Overcompensating no doubt for their shitty father.
I love her of course but her behaviour is horrible and I most definitely hate that.
Perhaps I should continue to pander to her so she can become and entitled arrogant adult like the majority of the public.

OP posts:

Elendon · 18/02/2017 13:48

You love her really, and let her have the space to spread her wings. You both sound like you will have a very happy adult life together. It's sad when they grow up, I do understand. Embrace the adult she will be. And give her all the love and support she needs right now.

You sound like a lovely mum. She knows you are as well. x

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 18/02/2017 13:48

You need to stay firm and enforce consequences for misbehaviour and rudeness. I'm sure someone will be along soon who can suggest a good book on parenting teenagers.

They can be really awful, but it's normal for them to test boundaries at this age - what's important is that you reinforce them and don't allow her to get away without consequences.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/02/2017 13:52

Mynest. Not helpful. Imagine how much courage It must have taken op to write this post.
By your user name. I think we can assume your children are grown up and fully fledged, so. Its very easy for you to sit back and be sanctimonious.
I don't think for one second you hate your dd. I believe you may not like her or rather you may not like the way she behaves.
I agree fully about picking your battles.

MyWineTime · 18/02/2017 13:52

When you don't like her, it's pretty inevitable that every conversation will end in an argument.

Have you ever wondered what might be going on for her?

corythatwas · 18/02/2017 13:55

memorial Sat 18-Feb-17 13:45:44

"Perhaps I should continue to pander to her so she can become and entitled arrogant adult like the majority of the public."

You don't sound as if you like anyone much at the moment. Are you ok, OP?

As for your dd, yes she needs to grow up into a lovable adult. But to do that she needs firm boundaries consistently enforced by you. It hardly seems fair to pander to her and then turn round and resent her for the pandering that you put in place.

And she needs to know that if she sticks to your boundaries it will be enough to please you, you don't really mean that you think most people are impossible, you are just tired and miserable right now.

HelenaJustina · 18/02/2017 13:55

15 is peak foul, by the time they get to 16.5 onwards they become human again! Especially if they have solid foundation which it sounds like your DD had.

My DM teaches this age and recommends parenting as you would a 2yr old. Their brain is doing similar frantic restructuring. They need firm boundaries, immediate consequences, no meaning no, lots of love and enjoy the flashes of joy/nice bits where you get a glimpse of the gorgeous adult they will become.

HelenaJustina · 18/02/2017 13:56

In the meantime and possibly

deadringer · 18/02/2017 13:57

I hear ya! I remember having a really bad morning with my dd1 when she was 12 or 13 and i bumped into another mum on the school run. I blurted out that i felt i hated my dd and she said thank fuck its not just me! I have four other kids and we have our ups and downs but the eldest was really difficult. I used to dread her coming home from school because she was so nasty at times, not just to me but to her younger siblings too. I love her dearly of course but sometimes i couldn't stand to be around her. She is grown up now and still a bit of a prickly pear (not just to me but to everyone in the family). No advice really just wanted to post and say you are not alone, though I agree with pp only let her have her friends over if she behaves and is respectful to you.

llangennith · 18/02/2017 13:57

It's not the easiest of ages to be or to parent. You seem full of hate for a lot of people: the shitty father, your eldest daughter, the majority of the public. Anyone you actually don't hate apart from other DD??
You can be a loving and supportive mother without pandering to your child. Don't take out your fury at the world on your teenager.

corythatwas · 18/02/2017 13:58

Very wise suggestions by Helena.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 18/02/2017 13:59

You have my sympathy OP, I was vile at 15-mainly because being 15 is quite shit. She'll most likely go back to being that lovely girl when she gets to 17-18, for now you'll just have to stick it out unfortunately.

TempusEedjit · 18/02/2017 14:00

You need the book "Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town", it's brilliant.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 18/02/2017 14:00

Helena, excellent post.

Toypotpony · 18/02/2017 14:02

Perhaps I should continue to pander to her so she can become and entitled arrogant adult like the majority of the public

Not really sounding very kind and nice yourself there op.

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Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/02/2017 14:02

Just to give you some consolation.
There was a girl who I knew of that went totally off the rails. She gave her poor mum an awful time..
Shes got a boss job now working in customers and excise, and has grown into a lovely women.
and her and her mum are now exceptionally close, so. Although it doesn't seem like it, because. When you're in a horrible situated. Seeing tge light at the end of the tunnel is nye on impossible, but you will both come through this.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/02/2017 14:05

No, I think that was a fair response to the snitty one about hoping that the DD had someone in her life who didn't hate her, tbh.

Not much help here either, only on my experience of being 15 and a total cow to my mother because no one underSTANDS, it's so HARD, you have no IDEA what I have to go through etc.

ppeatfruit · 18/02/2017 14:06

Check out google for some information on how to communicate with teenagers. There needs to be respect on both sides. There are books to help. I know how difficult it can be but you 're the adult and no doubt went through similar problems as a teenager yourself.

They need the security that you're still there for them even at that age.

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