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To ask for your best-bad jokes

(183 Posts)
Maryhadalittlelambstew Sat 18-Feb-17 00:11:02

Not an aibu really but it's midnight and I can't sleep!

Please give us all a laugh and share your best/worst jokes or even chat up lines.

My DD aged 13 has been telling this joke for years..."what did the ghost say to the bee?....Boo-bee"!

My guilty favourite one liner..."I went to the zoo the other day, it was awful. Absolute rubbish. They only had one animal, a dog...it was a shit-zhou"!

missbishi Sat 18-Feb-17 00:13:30

I went to the butchers the other day. Got there and the man behind the counter said "I bet you £100 that you can't reach that filet mignon right up there on the top shelf".

I said "I'm sorry, the stakes are too high".

Bahh Sat 18-Feb-17 00:13:31

Can you put the kettle on?
I can try but I don't think it'll fit.

Schwifty Sat 18-Feb-17 00:15:01

Whenever I'm put on the spot I can only come up with what's brown and sticky (a stick) and what's brown and sounds like a bell (dung! Thank you Monty Python) I look forward to seeing someone outdo that level of crapness!

mintthins Sat 18-Feb-17 00:16:18

What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard!
The best/worst joke ever. grin

Muddlewitch Sat 18-Feb-17 00:18:26

What's blue and smells of red paint?

Blue paint.

I'm not very good at jokes.

Maryhadalittlelambstew Sat 18-Feb-17 00:18:27

Ha! That's brilliant @missbishi

@Schwifty I saw the brown and sticky one (not sure if it was you) on another thread! It made me smile so I started this one! Xx

MagicDucky Sat 18-Feb-17 00:18:45

How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?

Foot prints in the butter.

How do you know if there's two elephants in your fridge?

Two sets of foot prints!

How do you know if there's three elephants in your fridge?

The door won't close.

Grotbagsstinkyarmpits Sat 18-Feb-17 00:19:14

Are you on Twitter? Look up Hacker T Dog for some terrible (funny) puns and jokes.

Maryhadalittlelambstew Sat 18-Feb-17 00:19:36

@mintthins and @Muddlewitch both awfully good contenders! Xx

WorraLiberty Sat 18-Feb-17 00:20:42

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was out standing in his field.

WorraLiberty Sat 18-Feb-17 00:21:26

My good friend Gavin died of a heartburn attack

I still can't believe Gaviscon....

MagicDucky Sat 18-Feb-17 00:21:29

Can't lie, crap jokes are my favourite.

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink Fluff.

What's blue and fluffy?

Pink fluff holding its breath.

jellyfrizz Sat 18-Feb-17 00:21:48

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?

Don't cry, it's only a joke.

Maryhadalittlelambstew Sat 18-Feb-17 00:21:50

Knock knock

Whose there?

Egg

Egg who?

Egg-burt no bacon

First joke my dad ever told me! I was 5 at the time, me and my sister thought it was hilarious!

Schwifty Sat 18-Feb-17 00:22:19

Mary thank you, I'm here all week grin

Bahh Sat 18-Feb-17 00:23:00

I know you've asked for dad jokes but has anyone ever seen those lists of made up kid jokes? I don't know if my sense of humour is just really infantile but I always find them absolutely hilarious.

PrincessGeorge Sat 18-Feb-17 00:23:14

What do cannibals call boys on bikes? Meals on Wheels.

KC225 Sat 18-Feb-17 00:23:19

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
You pokemon

Maryhadalittlelambstew Sat 18-Feb-17 00:24:05

@WorralLiberty you're on it!

MagicDucky Sat 18-Feb-17 00:25:45

How many elephants can you fit in a mini?

Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

What do four elephants in a mini play?

Squash.

Maryhadalittlelambstew Sat 18-Feb-17 00:27:05

I bought my ex a fantastic t shirt that had a periodic table symbol that said "Ah"...."the element of surprise"

Maryhadalittlelambstew Sat 18-Feb-17 00:29:32

Andy has 150 bars of chocolate. Andy ears 125 of them. What does Andy have now? Andy has diabetes now.

A favourite of my dads.

WorraLiberty Sat 18-Feb-17 00:30:57

Bahh no I haven't seen it but...

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

With some jam in the middle

grin

Bahh Sat 18-Feb-17 00:33:03

What 😂

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