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AIBU?

Am I unreasonably anxious/worried :-/

37 replies

MuncheysMummy · 17/02/2017 20:34

Ok so as not to drip feed and to give you the full picture DH and myself lost a baby to a missed miscarriage ending in horribly traumatic circumstances. It then took over 3 years of trying before I fell pregnant again by which time we'd gone from thinking and talking about in the future "when we have a baby" to "if we ever have a baby" he's here now and 8 months old and is just my whole world. Which brings me to my problem...is it normal to feel genuinely terrified that he's going to stop breathing in the night? He still sleeps attached to my side of the bed in a Chicco Side sleeper but if I'm honest with myself I know he's outgrown it as he's really tall for his age (over 95th centile for height) he's more comfortable in his proper cot (he has his naps in there to get him used to it) I wake up every time he sighs loudly or makes any noise or rolls over plus multiple times he doesn't as he hasn't for a while! and my heart stops until I've rolled over and checked he's still breathing. I can't fall asleep at night until I can hear him breathing beside me,he's totally healthy and happy so I have no medical reason to worry. I feel that because we wanted him so much for so long he's too good to be true and might be taken away from us (as in he might pass away in his sleep) the thought of him sleeping in his own room (next to ours for context he'd be around 8 feet away but with a wall between us) makes me feel panicky and anxious. My question I suppose is are these feelings normal? Is it worth speaking to my health visitor about this? My friend thinks I should but my husband thinks that I'm fine. Another question is realistically how likely is he to be fine? This is what I want the health visitor to talk to me about really,how likely are babies to just pass away at this age?
Writing that down has made me look a bit nuts I think and thanks for reading those that do,it's just a stream of consciousness really I apologise for the lack of punctuation I daren't go back and proof read as i will chicken out of posting!

OP posts:

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Highmaintenancefemalestuff · 17/02/2017 20:41

I have suffered anxiety since being a teenager and it escalated when I had children. I had a mmc before my 2 children. My doctor said I suffered anxiety and irrational thoughts. They are totally rational to me. Some may say you are being silly. Deep down I know the likelihood of the things I think may happen is low but I can't help the way I feel. Speak to your doctor, mine has offered cbt.
The risk of sids decreases a fair bit when your child reaches 6 months. Hope that puts your mind at rest a bit.

livingthegoodlife · 17/02/2017 20:52

i know lots of people are going to saw you should speak to your HV or doctor but the following is my experience

i should preceed this by saying i have not suffered any losses and therefore might not be as nervous as you (understandably) but -

i too was very worried about the baby passing away in the night, or actually anytime he went to sleep. I would wake every time he sighed, snorted etc. I would lean over and check they were still breathing several times a night. Even now I find my heart jumping into my mouth if they sleep too soundly/quietly or go too pale.

What actually helped my mind rest a lot was moving them out of my room. This sounds weird and counter-active but actually having them sleeping soundly in another room where i couldn't hear every sigh meant I slept more soundly. Dont get me wrong, I still wake up with bigger noises but I am not so anxious to check on them multiple times a night.

I would also say the anxiousness wore off a bit as they got older. 8 Months is still very young. I cant remember when I started relaxing a bit more but probably about 1 year old.

I think what you are going through is probably normal but you might have heightened sensitivity due to your history.

Highmaintenancefemalestuff · 17/02/2017 20:55

I'll also add I have a tommee tippee sensor monitor which helps me ŕelax massively. Best.money I ever spent. Used it for Ds until he was 2, now using it for Dd.

redexpat · 17/02/2017 20:56

I had similar feelings (though not to the same extent) with dc1 when we moved him into his room. I checked on him when we went to bed, and if I woke up thinking about it (about 3 times in total). I was still feeding him at 2am and at 5/6 so that helped me. It got better with time.

Do you have a baby monitor? If you can hear or see normal movement it might help reassure you.

Whats your relationship with your hv like? If you feel lile you have a good rapport then it might help.

I think youve taken a really important step by identifying this and asking for advice.

MuncheysMummy · 17/02/2017 21:11

Thanks for your kind words people, I do have a camera monitor and a breathing sensor pad but I'm scared to use it (just the breathing pad) as I haven't yet because it only works on a bed with a slatted base and his side sleeper has a solid base and apparently they go off all the time falsely waking the whole house up and giving you a real fright?! I'm bad enough at sleeping as it is due to the waking up through the night to check on him. I appreciate its bonkers as he sleeps soundly 12 hours a night and I'm the one waking up every couple of hours!

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themorus · 17/02/2017 21:12

I sympathise with you. I was the same, in fact I've just been to check mine (6&8 yrs!) and I always do before bed. I haven't had personal losses but have experience through my work so maybe more aware. I know my mum thought I was ott until I explained.

I found it got slowly easier, partly as the babies got older and I was better with the 2nd. In the early days though I checked on them several times a night. I don't know if its 'normal' but maybe you don't feel alone. Being a parent has made me more anxious but they're the most precious things I have...

SoMuchPain · 17/02/2017 21:14

They do say not to use he Chicco next to me after 6 months or 9kgs. So worth just double checking your safety instructions. Also agree on the moving out of the room. I was like that with my first because she nearly died when she was born and was ventilated and in NICU

Itsmytemporaryname · 17/02/2017 21:14

You should talk to your GP.
I wish I had when I was in your position because I remained unreasonably anxious until my DC was over2 years old and I can see now how unnecessary it was. Good luck x

Highmaintenancefemalestuff · 17/02/2017 21:18

The sensors do give you a fright if baby moves off. I've I had a fair few heart in mouth moments. It always reassures me if I wake in the night and I see the green light blinking away. It may help when it comes to moving baby into his own room.
Being responsible for such a small person is a scary thing. Worrying about things that can go wrong is scary when you love the little person so so much.

Realitea · 17/02/2017 21:21

I was exactly the same as you. I'm still quite overly protective of dd and she is six now although it does wear off as they get older and more robust. i wouldn't be worried about it unless it's becoming a problem and I don't think it is by the sound of it.

kurlique · 17/02/2017 21:22

I had a miss mis between my 2 DC and it made more anxious about my second than I had been about my first. I got a sensor mat type monitor for my own sanity... I got one for my DSis too years later for her precious only DC... the anxiety did become less over the years and my now teenage DC have even been on foreign school trips without me!!... hugs for you OP

pikapoo · 17/02/2017 21:22

I sympathise with how you feel!
Might it help if you write down some key facts about SIDS risk decreasing as babies get older, and focusing on them like a bit of a mantra?

By the way, you are very lucky to have a baby sleeping through soundly

MuncheysMummy · 17/02/2017 21:25

Thanks again,oh no! I've just read the instructions on the website and it does say not to use over 6 months old or 9kg and he's 21lb (well last week he was) now I'm feeling horrible as that means he's over the weight limit so this should be his last night in it I could cry (and know I will once I'm in bed looking at him) I also feel terrible I had no idea there was a weight limit so low I thought he'd be fine until he outgrew it physically.

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Ohb0llocks · 17/02/2017 21:56

I had the tommy tippee sensor monitor, and I had the opposite problem, it was shit with a slatted base, worked much better with a solid base. So much so that when he went into his big cot I had to put the solid base from his crib under where the sensor went.

I was exactly the same as you (still am) especially when DS (who's now 3) is poorly. I still use a monitor and I was bloody GUTTED when the sensor mat broke and I couldn't justify getting a new one. He was nearly 2 at the time.

For what it's worth I had the sensor mat on his crib when his crib was next to my bed. And I had the beeping on every time it detected movement.

haveacupoftea · 17/02/2017 22:00

I see you get monitors now that sit around babys wrist and check heart rate etc.

I am glad I didn't go for a side sleeper because I am prone to anxiety like this and it sounds like it could compound the problem

MagicMojito · 17/02/2017 22:45

Its totally normal. I have extreme anxiety about EVERYTHING so assumed it was another one of my "crazy" issues but pretty much every parent I've spoken with has had the same or similar fear. I still stand and stare at my 5 year old just to make sure her chest is moving in and out properly, and occasionally even wake the LO to make sure shes still alive!

Bluefrog26 · 17/02/2017 23:01

I'm sure most people feel like this, I know I did and still do (DD is 4). It's only natural I think.

MuncheysMummy · 17/02/2017 23:05

Aww Magic I stand and stare at him too to make sure I can see him breathing!
Haveacup I don't think it's compounded it at all,I would've been sleeping with his Moses basket next to my bed until he outgrew that then his crib etc etc if I hadnt bought the side sleeper, it's given me 8 lovely months of safely co sleeping it's been my Best Buy ever just gutted they don't make a full length version of it to attach all the way down the bed that's stronger that'd be amazing! He'd be next to me until high school I think bless him

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solomonsfish85 · 17/02/2017 23:21

My ds who is the oldest of my 3 kids and I still check his breathing..I remember the first night he came home I couldn't sleep with worry incase he stopped breathing. I'm still a bit over protective today with him which is a bad thing I think but I'm trying

fc301 · 18/02/2017 00:19

YANBU. DC1 stopped breathing at 9 days. All was ok. DC are now 14, 12 & 9. Only in the last few months have I stopped checking on their breathing before I go to bed!

RhodaBorrocks · 18/02/2017 00:44

I still check on DS and he's 10 this year. He slept in with me (through circumstance) from birth to 20 months and then from age 3 to 4.5.

I've always been anxious - my 'checking the baby is still breathing' actually started with my DSis, who was born when I was 7 and when there was a lot of SIDS coverage in the media. I used to creep out of bed several times a night to check her once she went into her own room. I knew I'd be like it with DS but thankfully he was a noisy sleeper so it reassured me a lot.

Not really any advice, I manage my anxiety so it's not crippling and I see this feeling as normal, even if it's not by others' standards.

atheistmantis · 18/02/2017 04:51

You sound like a loving, caring parent who is perhaps being a bit over cautious (understandably) and not at all unreasonable.

Mummyamy123 · 18/02/2017 05:04

We had an angelcare monitor, we were both anxious due to the job we work. I loved our angelcare monitor, totally worth the peace of mind as you can look at the monitor and know they're breathing......

Femp2012 · 18/02/2017 05:21

Sorry to hear what you went through. I think all parents go through this anxiety. I know I did, Maybe not to such an extent as you have described, but I remember waking up in the night and having to listen so carefully that they were breathing. As someone else said, I also think that the best think I did was move my ds and dd to their own room. We have a video monitor with a really good quality picture.
It's probably best for your ds too. Good luck.

Graphista · 18/02/2017 05:21

I've lost 3 to mc, took 5 years to get dd then problem birth where we both almost died and her in scbu for a week after. I was a nervous wreck her 1st year!

And back then the pads were really expensive unless nhs lent you one because you'd already lost a child to SIDS.

Totally normal

My mum pops babies out no bother but I was a sound sleeper, SIDS was in news a lot when I was born she used to poke my cheek to wake me up so she knew I was ok! She's a pretty sound sleeper yet when I took appendicitis and when brother took very ill middle of night with measles she was up to us both with barely a pained groan from us!!

My dd (now 16) was very very ill over Christmas just past with a condition affecting her throat/breathing I lay awake at night both doors open listening to her breathe.

Speak to your hv, I GUARANTEE its nothing she hasn't heard before, especially from those of us who've had losses.

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