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To ask for a hand hold.... desperate

(95 Posts)
BBCNewsRave Fri 17-Feb-17 18:14:35

Im so sorry for posting here, just literally do not know what to do. Can't think clearly right now. I'm exhausted, but I have no reason to be. My life is extremely limited - no job, no DC - because I can't cope and have mental health issues. Thing is, the mental health issues are CAUSED by life expecting me to be busy and manage loads of stuff, as well as trauma type stuff from the past. Give me a simple life and some nice friends and I'd manage fine.

Because of my experiences I have let a lot of people take advantage of me, and lost a lot of potential friends because I was struggling and needed support, and most people can't cope with that. Essentially what started as being a bit messed up has, over the years, turned into years of complex trauma.

When I have made friends they end up moving away, more recently I was sort of wendied out of a group, although tbh I was sort of "making do" re, friends and was just vaguely in the group not great friends. I seem to attract immature men with alcohol issues etc, rather than women I want to be friends with. Because I have MH issues I guess I can't be judgemental of others, but I feel like a fish out of water. Occasionally I've spent time with capable, intelligent and interesting adults and ITS AMAZING. In particular I travelled a lot during my 20s (early 30s now) and met so many wonderful people. Who wanted to spend time with me too, so I cant be that bad.

I feel like a deep thinker, I know that sounds wanky, sorry. But I feel so alone with the experiences I've had and the perspective I've gained on the world because of it. I miss being able to muse about life and the world with other likeminded people - so few and far between, and now everyone has partners/babies/loads of friends and doesn't need me in their life. When I have had sort of friends who I get on with they always have closer/longer friendships with others so I'm the one who gets put as low priority when life changes.

I feel exhausted all the time, and this is a problem as to sort out anything in my life - employment, making friends - I have to DO more. Join clubs, volunteer etc. And adding anythign else right now is impossible because I'm barely managing as it is. I often don't eat properly because I am just too wiped out/vaguely confused to cook. I'd studying via distance learning atm and that is taking all my time/focus. Just scraping by until the year is over - I can't keep this up.

I think what's happening is that because I can't get any therapy or suport ad have no-one who understands, I'm carrying years of pain inside which is exhasting me. (And affecting my health... I now get this thing where my heart jumps around/mild pain, assumed it was anxiety until it showed up on an ECG.) Not sure though. However, I can't afford to see a therapist unles I win my benefits appeal..........

And I don't know how to find one that will be willing to take me on knowing I have zero support. The last one I saw kept insisting that the NHS should be "supporting" me. She told me I had obviosuly refused their help hmm. Aside from that, I seem to have a perspective on life that feels very lonely, very far away from most people, and I don't know if I can find a therapist who understands, the last one seemed kind of... simplistic in her views. One thing that's helped me undersand is feminism, realising how my experiences tie in with expectations of women, how I've been used and abused by men and how that has been explicity and coverly encouraged by pretty much everyone (including MH professionals). But that kind of depth of thinking just doesn't seem to happen...

I'm trying to keep going but life just seems so awful. Not inherently awful, but the stupid society we have where people have to work such long hours and so on tht I just can't cope with. And people are so isolated... if we were all going out ina big group to tend the fields or something I'd actually find it easier. I feel like I don't belong here, I belong to a different time or place.

Have been weeping on and off for the last 24 hours. I just seem to have hit a wall. Please don't tell me to turn to anyone because bitter experience tells me that's how to lose someone.
Plase could I just have a hand hold.... novel solutions also welcome, although I dont think there's much hope. Just needed to tell someone.
Thank you x

Jenijena Fri 17-Feb-17 18:21:35

Here's a hand hold, and flowers for you. What are you studying? Do you enjoy it?

I can see how a vicious cycle of mental illness and crappy circumstances has led you to this, but you are important.

thewideeyedpea Fri 17-Feb-17 18:27:20

Hi, here is another hand hold. I wish I could offer you some useful and helpful advice but I'm sure someone much wiser will be along soon. Until then flowers for you.

Pettywoman Fri 17-Feb-17 18:29:51

You need to talk to your GP about all this. Are you on ADs? You are obviously suffering from MH issues and are isolated in your life. I know you're too tired to cook properly but could this be making things worse? Could you be vitamin deficient? I know taking vitamin D helps me and the occasional floradix.

Is there an activity that makes you happy? Even if it's reading, or painting or walking. Anything that could help lift you a little. A tiny step like visiting a library may lift your mood.

I'm sorry if I'm talking shite and my suggestions are rubbish for you. Even so [hand hold].

WizardOfToss Fri 17-Feb-17 18:34:53

Hi BBC. I'm sorry that you're having such a horrible time. What you write really reminds me of someone that I know very well. I think they feel very out of kilter with society and it's expectations, and it sounds like you do too.

Have you ever lived an alternative lifestyle (sorry for the cringe worthy term)? A more nature based life? A commune or a group who works the land?

BertsBlanket Fri 17-Feb-17 18:39:34

Poor you flowers It's that relentless low level drip of rubbishness that leaves you feeling empty. And then it's a catch 22 - all the positive changes you could make require energy you don't have.

I've been there. Not exactly the same, but enough to identify with what you say. I think slowly changing my perspective was crucial. That shift began with acknowledging that my entire frame of reference and thinking patterns were shaped by negative people and events, and that with a lot of effort I could control (to some extent) stepping outside of that and find life more positive.

Hmm reading that back it's clearly just some wanky sounding abstract nonsense! Have a hand hold instead. Life can be tough flowers

BBCNewsRave Fri 17-Feb-17 18:44:24

Thank you both.
I'm finding the friend thing particularly hard because I get so confused over what's acceptable/boundaries etc. For example, my only local female friend recently spoke to me unpleasantly - nothing massive, but sort of really disrespectfully. A few times. I picked up on it because I was thinking I wouldn't put up with that from a partner (yey I've learnt some boundaries at last!) But I wasn't sure how to approach it with her and if I was overreacting etc. I didn't wat to make a mountain out of a molehill and lose another friend. Although then I think being alone may be better than being around people who subtly make me feel worthless...

What actually happened was she went off the rails totally and started lying abut something big and stopped speaking to me... but the thing is, she was there for me a few years back when no-one else bothered so I get so confused about whether it's my fault or i'm being ungrateful, or expecting too much....

Also everyone else seems to have lots of other people around so people can sort of back each other up and the consensus is that it's always my fault somehow. I've heard awful rumours about myself and people seem to believe lies about me. The bitch who sort of wendied me did it to someone else to, but then re-included them and so they changed thier mind about me, believed her lies, and turned against me too.
It's horrible, I feel it must be me, but then my history shows a zillion examples of assuming its my fault and letting others walk all over me and use me.

MadisonAvenue Fri 17-Feb-17 18:45:46

flowers I have no advice but couldn't just read and not offer a hand to hold.

AuroraBora Fri 17-Feb-17 18:54:23

Hand hold from me too! flowers

Sometimes if I find I'm in a deep thinking mood and have no one in real life to share ideas with, I come on here and chat to people. There's a real mix of people and different boards, so maybe you could use it as a space to have those discussions you don't find you manage to have day to day. There's a feminism board so you could take a look and see what they're chatting about?

Heart issues: go to your GP and insist on a referral to your local cardiology department. It sounds like palpitations, which can be harmless, but are worth getting checked in case they're a sign of something. FWIW palpitations can be caused by anxiety, I get them when tired and stresses.

I second the PP who said maybe get some vitamins. They might help with the weariness, but not much lost if they don't.

For all the rest... is there no reason you can't live a simpler life? As long as you have enough money to live, then you are fine. Very simplistic view I know!

Reading it again... are you sleeping ok? Sorry if you mentioned it and I missed it, but I went through a phase where I couldn't sleep and so my anxiety built up, palpitations got bad, so I couldn't sleep, and so on etc!! I had that feeling of desperation, and one day just turned up to work and cried. Luckily my boss was lovely and sent me home!

Anyway, even if nothing I've said helps, here's more hand holding and flowers

BBCNewsRave Fri 17-Feb-17 19:21:05

Thanks again.
Petty I'm taking vitamin D. I generally eat a healthy enough balance, just a random mix of foods, often uncooked.

I do try to do stuff and enjoy myself but that's the thing - it's as if now I'm apparently "coping" to some degree on the outside, the emotional pain is severely repressed and dragging me down in more subtle ways. Once upon a time I might have completed suicide in screaming pain, but now it's more like I will just wake up one day and quietly and calmly dispatch myself. [I am NOT imminently suicidal, this post is a not a cry for help in that sense, just trying to explain.]

Also, GP knows. Seeing any of the GPs is crushing and reminds me I really am alone with this. Most don't care - I'm just an annoying patient who won't get better. They see me as a "type", not a person, so I feel more alone trying to explain to them, when they don't want to understand. I have a long history of attempting to get help from MH services but generally getting nothing - it's a rather horrid part of my experiences and part of what I meant when I wrote "Essentially what started as being a bit messed up has, over the years, turned into years of complex trauma."

Actually the MH professionals seem a LOT nicer/kinder now, but there is no money for therapy for me. And support services cut so much that I am miles off being eligible.

Wizard - Yes to alternative lifestyles! Some of my trips abroad when younger included long periods in the same place, with other weridos who gathered there in the same way. AMAZING. Happiest I've ever been was just being able to do my thing (creative) but living with lots of others so we were just always around each other and a sort of community. Thing is, none of these have been permanent, just fleeting "communities". I actually relocated within the UK to somewhere I had a coupe of friends and there seemed to be a vibrant community - but this was in my mid 20s and everyone's moved away/had babies/whatever so I guess it was a "young" thing. Also, largely massively hypocritical - amazing how many apparently peace/love/hippy/inclusive types there are who don't really view people as unique worthwhile individuals.
Also, with appalling timing I crashed and burned not long after moving there - I thought I was happy but the past caught up with me. Not good for making proper friends, although I was very sociable. I've been fairly incapable since then. It's so frustrating because I used to be more emotional but also more capable - now I'm more able to cope emotionally my ability to do other stuff has dropped. It is as if I am somehow not fully engaging with life, which leaves me calmly "managing" but not really managing at all.

TheProblemOfSusan Fri 17-Feb-17 19:24:41

Hand hold from me, too, you sound really low low right now, I'm sorry.

My preferred method for self-care is reading in the bath, topper up the hot as necessary, and white noise to aid sleep - there's a free app called Rain Rain that has some nice sounds.

But these aren't going to fix you, they're just things that help me. Are you under treatment at all with the NHS now? Are you in an area where you can self-refer for talking therapies?

BBCNewsRave Fri 17-Feb-17 19:28:38

Sorry for writing so much, finding it quite cathartic.

In a way, believe it or not, I'm actually quite a positive person. I often feel I've been right through depression and out the other side, whcih helps me appreciate the small things. But sometimes the reality of my life really hits home; it's all very well appreciating the small things and living in hope, but when others have things like children, partners, friends, jobs.... just ordinary stuff to them, but a world away to me... it hits me and chokes me up a bit.

BBCNewsRave Fri 17-Feb-17 19:35:08

Susan Think we must have x-posted there. There is absolutely no chance of NHS talking therapies for me. I'm apparently "too complex" for the self-refer type therapies, and the other therapies are shrouded in mystery but possibly don't exist, but I have been repeatedly informed NO. With brain twisting letters that imply I'm completly unreasonable for expecting any help and am beying help anyway. That is a battle that will kill me if I try to fight it again.

mycavitiesareempty Fri 17-Feb-17 19:36:38

Can I ask have you ever had close friends? In childhood and adolescence for example?

Armadillostoes Fri 17-Feb-17 19:40:16

Another hand here. I wish that I had some dazzling insight. But honestly, things can better for you-they really really can. It probably won't be instant but you won't always feel this bad.

BBCNewsRave Fri 17-Feb-17 19:43:10

Aurora For all the rest... is there no reason you can't live a simpler life? As long as you have enough money to live, then you are fine. Very simplistic view I know!

It's the "having enough money to live" that is the hard part. I can't hold down a job, do basic housework, eat healthily, exercise, and have a social life all at the same time. The job is the hardest bit.

And the heart thing... it came up on an ECG for a pre-op assessment, they didn't seem massively bothered but it wasn't bad when the ECG was on - I couldn't feel anything at the time. I will ask again....

TheProblemOfSusan Fri 17-Feb-17 19:43:38

We did cross post BBC yes - I did think self-refer was probably not useful enough to you but it was the best suggestion I had and I see you've been thoroughly down that route. I'm sorry it's not helped you.

WizardOfToss Fri 17-Feb-17 19:50:47

I'm struck by how articulate you are, and how well you write. I really get the energy thing, it's so difficult when there's a physical barrier to what you need.

I instinctively feel there's something in it for you to revisit the simpler life/commune based model, including care for others.

I'm sorry - I know it's shit and there aren't any magic fixes. But keep talking. Hopefully this could be a safe place for you.

BBCNewsRave Fri 17-Feb-17 19:53:03

cavities Yes I had a couple of close female friends in school, as well as other more distant friends through groups outside school. One I am still in touch with but she went very cool on me towards end of college (by which time I was majorly depressed) which also meant I was left out of a wider group of friends (she'd introduced them to me in the firs place). This is one issue - Im always the new one, or the one who doesn't "belong" as much as the others...
My other close friend from school, we had stayed in touch and met up periodically but she has been really unpleasant about my issues, calling it "teenage angst" that I "should be over by now". We haven't spoken since she sent me a patronising message last year.

Since school have made friends but only a few close ones. It's hard to judge what counts because one friend I was close to and miss dearly, I actually only was friends in a local, meeting up way with for 2-3 years (we were housemates at one point hence getting closer quickly). Knowing people I have "clicked" with often hasn't led to real lasting friendships due to people moving away, reducing social circle when getting a partner, social groups changing, etc.

PageStillNotFound404 Fri 17-Feb-17 20:01:23

Hand hold here too. I empathise with the exhaustion and the dichotomy of appearing to cope on the outside but crashing and burning mentally/emotionally.

If you're getting little support from your GP and they've ruled out referral to talking therapies, do you have the option of registering with a different practice? The quality of support and knowledge of complex MH issues amongst GPs is SO varied (I'm unofficial career for my DH, one of whose disabilities is a mental condition, so I know a little about it). Although I do also acknowledge the difficulty of getting halfway decent MH provision on the NHS, given the way it's been pared to the bone.

flowers

BBCNewsRave Fri 17-Feb-17 20:03:56

Thank you, wizard. I'd like to be a writer, actually. blush
Yes re. the commune thing... I know it's daft but I watch "Call the Midwife" and I feel like I'd be suited to being one of those nuns. I'd be happy to give up worldly things and live a life totally revolving around helping others, with a community of likeminded people. Thigs is, it needs that committed community... just spending all my days volunteering isn't the same thing, plus one has to work to have money to live on... there just doesn't seem to be that kind of place anymore.

BBCNewsRave Fri 17-Feb-17 20:07:33

I meant to add to that - I become much more capable (a) when helping others, and (b) when there is communal support. I was thinking earlier about something awful that happened once, when abroad in a communityish place... I was able to really push on to try to help this person when exhausted, and managed because I was supported by others.

Grannyben Fri 17-Feb-17 20:13:00

Hugs from me xx

Beeziekn33ze Fri 17-Feb-17 20:27:55

Interesting that you just posted you'd like to be a writer. Before I read that post I was going to suggest you write. Just a little each day perhaps, memories, questions, the life you'd like, poems, descriptions of places you've been happy, anything really. It's just for you, not to show anyone unless you want to.
There is a poetry scene emerging in many different places, it includes young people but older ones go to. Check whether there are poetry groups in your local area, a public library should know or may even host one. One I go to is convened by a young woman who has had MH issues herself so is very sensitive to other people's. We are a random mixture of ages and back grounds but in each session there is a sense of achievement and, often laughter and the occasional tear.
Another growing movement is creative writing which can be very therapeutic. Again the library may have information.

Beeziekn33ze Fri 17-Feb-17 20:30:20

If you want to tell me the area you live in I could be more specific about groups you might consider going to. I'm in the West Midlands.

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