Im so sorry for posting here, just literally do not know what to do. Can't think clearly right now. I'm exhausted, but I have no reason to be. My life is extremely limited - no job, no DC - because I can't cope and have mental health issues. Thing is, the mental health issues are CAUSED by life expecting me to be busy and manage loads of stuff, as well as trauma type stuff from the past. Give me a simple life and some nice friends and I'd manage fine.
Because of my experiences I have let a lot of people take advantage of me, and lost a lot of potential friends because I was struggling and needed support, and most people can't cope with that. Essentially what started as being a bit messed up has, over the years, turned into years of complex trauma.
When I have made friends they end up moving away, more recently I was sort of wendied out of a group, although tbh I was sort of "making do" re, friends and was just vaguely in the group not great friends. I seem to attract immature men with alcohol issues etc, rather than women I want to be friends with. Because I have MH issues I guess I can't be judgemental of others, but I feel like a fish out of water. Occasionally I've spent time with capable, intelligent and interesting adults and ITS AMAZING. In particular I travelled a lot during my 20s (early 30s now) and met so many wonderful people. Who wanted to spend time with me too, so I cant be that bad.
I feel like a deep thinker, I know that sounds wanky, sorry. But I feel so alone with the experiences I've had and the perspective I've gained on the world because of it. I miss being able to muse about life and the world with other likeminded people - so few and far between, and now everyone has partners/babies/loads of friends and doesn't need me in their life. When I have had sort of friends who I get on with they always have closer/longer friendships with others so I'm the one who gets put as low priority when life changes.
I feel exhausted all the time, and this is a problem as to sort out anything in my life - employment, making friends - I have to DO more. Join clubs, volunteer etc. And adding anythign else right now is impossible because I'm barely managing as it is. I often don't eat properly because I am just too wiped out/vaguely confused to cook. I'd studying via distance learning atm and that is taking all my time/focus. Just scraping by until the year is over - I can't keep this up.
I think what's happening is that because I can't get any therapy or suport ad have no-one who understands, I'm carrying years of pain inside which is exhasting me. (And affecting my health... I now get this thing where my heart jumps around/mild pain, assumed it was anxiety until it showed up on an ECG.) Not sure though. However, I can't afford to see a therapist unles I win my benefits appeal..........
And I don't know how to find one that will be willing to take me on knowing I have zero support. The last one I saw kept insisting that the NHS should be "supporting" me. She told me I had obviosuly refused their help . Aside from that, I seem to have a perspective on life that feels very lonely, very far away from most people, and I don't know if I can find a therapist who understands, the last one seemed kind of... simplistic in her views. One thing that's helped me undersand is feminism, realising how my experiences tie in with expectations of women, how I've been used and abused by men and how that has been explicity and coverly encouraged by pretty much everyone (including MH professionals). But that kind of depth of thinking just doesn't seem to happen...
I'm trying to keep going but life just seems so awful. Not inherently awful, but the stupid society we have where people have to work such long hours and so on tht I just can't cope with. And people are so isolated... if we were all going out ina big group to tend the fields or something I'd actually find it easier. I feel like I don't belong here, I belong to a different time or place.
Have been weeping on and off for the last 24 hours. I just seem to have hit a wall. Please don't tell me to turn to anyone because bitter experience tells me that's how to lose someone.
Plase could I just have a hand hold.... novel solutions also welcome, although I dont think there's much hope. Just needed to tell someone.
Thank you x
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To ask for a hand hold.... desperate
94 replies
BBCNewsRave · 17/02/2017 18:14
OP posts:
WizardOfToss ·
17/02/2017 18:34
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WizardOfToss ·
17/02/2017 19:50
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