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To wonder why i just dont want sex anymore? Is this normal?

(69 Posts)
Whatthehellhashappened Fri 17-Feb-17 10:03:28

Have namechanged for this because I am so embarrassed. I feel like a freak.

Have been with DH 9 years, married for 6. Got 3 dc 11, 8 and 3. (dc1 is from a prev marriage of mine). I am 37. DH is 45. When we met I would say at least the first 5 years sex was very frequent and we were both really into it. even though we had small dc.

It settled down a bit to 2 or 3 times a week then when DC3 was born it was prob more 1 - 2 times a week which I would be happy with. But in the last few months I just have no desire at all it has gone down to once a month and I have to force myself (I know that sounds bad, but once we do it I enjoy it and it makes me feel so great for a few days and happier) DH still fancies me he makes that clear. wants it and I think it makes him sad I dont want it. DH obvs wanted it last night but I just wanted him to go to sleep so I could read without feeling guilty. How sad is that eh? I still fancy him BTW, he is very good looking and looks after himself. I have noticed that the only time I actively want it is once in a blue moon when the DC have stayed over at my parents in the morning confused

I just feel like a sexless person, like I am just a mum. I don't like my body (I am not fat but I have a c section shelf that I fucking detest. Have looked into a mini tummy tuck but just cant afford it) I am also starting to be conscious of ageing, I know this might sound big headed but I was very attractive in my 20s and early 30's... but its fading now. but that will only get worse not better? I used to be such a sexual person, one of the reasons I split with exh was because we were not compatible in bed he was shit and basically I wanted better and more sex. I can't not want sex because I don't look or feel 25 anymore ffs. I hopefully still have many years ahead of me where I can have sex! And I just cant look at myself and see what DH sees I just see someone unattractive

I cant even blame tiredness or stress or anything, I do work but not many hours and the DC are good, they sleep etc.

I am just so depressed about it. I cant tell anyone, I cant tell dh. I remember the amazing sex we used to have where I would jump on him at any opportunity and want it all the time and makes me sad that At 37 years old that aspect of my life seems to have gone

NancyDonahue Fri 17-Feb-17 10:13:37

This jumped out at me I still fancy him BTW, he is very good looking and looks after himself. This is the most important thing, most couples sex lives fizzle out due to waning attraction. All is not lost!

Can you try and spend more time together? Get the dcs to stay at your parents more often if possible, no pressure for sex, just BE together. Being parents, especially as your dcs get a little older, is hard. They don't go to bed as early, you don't get as much wind down time before bed.

You're not on your own with this, op. It happens to all couples. But as long as you still fancy him you'll get it back!

Whatthehellhashappened Fri 17-Feb-17 10:26:35

Can you try and spend more time together? Get the dcs to stay at your parents more often if possible, no pressure for sex, just BE together. Being parents, especially as your dcs get a little older, is hard. They don't go to bed as early, you don't get as much wind down time before bed

See this is a problem re time away from the DC. DH's mum doesn't bother with the DC much and as a result they wont go to her at all, never mind over night. my own mum looks after the toddler often when I am at work so it is unreasonable to ask them to have overnights more than once every few months. So babysitting is limited. And I also think its a bit pathetic of me if the only time I will fuck my DH is without the kids in the house, we wanted them, they live here

Also yeah now the older ones are older, they are often still awake at 10pm and they know about sex etc so I would die if they heard anything or worse, walked in. Last night oldest walked in the living room when DH and I were kissing and the sheer disgust on his face was a picture. And the toddler wakes up early and needs breakfast etc ...so no morning sex possible when she is around. The others don't bother us in the morning they sort themselves out, but the toddler isn't the type of kid you can bribe with cbeebies, and sneak back to bed she wants to be with us all the time

Whatthehellhashappened Fri 17-Feb-17 11:07:51

Bump X

Shoxfordian Fri 17-Feb-17 11:17:45

I think you should talk to your husband honestly about how you feel and try to spend time together as a couple. Can you have a date night once a week? If your mum can't babysit then maybe find someone else to do it
All your body confidence issues also should be addressed. Maybe try a new haircut or a new outfit to boost your confidence. Talk to your husband though if nothing else because he should know how you feel

Olympiathequeen Fri 17-Feb-17 11:30:12

I think it is an issue of not feeling relaxed about the children hearing you and being self conscious about your appearance.

Maybe try some exercise (great for feelgood hormones) and get a lock on the bedroom door and maybe some soundproofing so you feel less inhibited? Just a wall of built in wardrobes along the adjoins wall is a great soundproofing option.

Squidpinky Fri 17-Feb-17 11:33:34

I am in the same position. We used to have regular sex and now we are lucky if it's once a month. I really want it to change but my sex drive is just so low sad I've even looked into herbal remedies to boost my libido! It's getting me down to be honest

Pettywoman Fri 17-Feb-17 11:50:29

Actually I understand how you feel about your self image and damaged libido. I actually have zero sex drive too but was well up for it when I was younger. The culture we live in bombards us with messages that women have to be young and slim to be sexy and older women or fatter ones are laughable, grotesque or disgusting not shaggable. I'm sure I've internalised this over the years which I'm cross with myself for.

You do sound like you still want to which is great. Soundproofing and logistics can be worked on. If the older two can go on a sleepover once in a while and if the little one sleeps soundly at a certain point in the evening?

gosh I feel the same, if anyone has had any success with any remedies do let me know, I so want to feel sexy towards my lovely and still sexy DH but I don't seem to feel the urge very often at all which makes things tricky as he is well up for it and wants me to be too.

ApplePaltrow21 Fri 17-Feb-17 15:48:13

I swear to god this sounds like bullshit go to a spa advice but take a dance class or something together.

You don't need them to be out overnight. Just send the kids to your moms from school (pay her!) or get a babysitter and then go do something physical together to get your libido up, go home and have sex then go pick up the kids.

This WILL work.

apple tis a lovely idea and yes spending quality time together is certainly one way to boost things but in some cases the fancying is still there just not the urge, me and DH have lots of time together and go out and do things together too, yes it sparks the attraction and reminding us why we love each other, brings on the hugs and smiles but sadly it does not bring that special 'tingle' that makes me desperate to shag him sad all the good feelings of togetherness, love, respect, attraction are there but that 'tingle' is hard to come by. we don't have kids at home anymore so can freely shag over the kitchen table if we want I just want to get that feeling that I can't wait to get down and dirty (maybe its an age thing)

honeylulu Fri 17-Feb-17 16:27:38

once we do it I enjoy it and it makes me feel so great for a few days and happier

This is what struck me. So you do fancy your H and you do enjoy sex with him when it happens but you don't feel the desire to do it otherwise. This isn't unusual and I can relate to it. I often feel the same: I'm tired/ worried/ overworked/ not in the mood. My Husband isn't a sex pest at all but I know he'd like me than he gets!
Sometimes I force myself to make the effort and then really enjoy it and wish we did it more. It's as if I forget how nice it is between times when the thought of it seems like too much effort/mess etc when is rather just sleep.
Do you think you could coax yourself to doing it once a week. And talk to your husband about how you feel about your body so he can make an effort to make you feel attractive (though he sounds very nice anyway!)

ChippyDucks Fri 17-Feb-17 16:39:53

Do you know OP I could have written this! We're similar ages and have been with our dh similar amounts of time. I also feel good and happy after sex and think 'we should do that more often' but then I get dragged into everyday life again. Watching with interest.

Whatthehellhashappened Fri 17-Feb-17 16:46:13

Posting on my phone so Just quickly replying ...thanks for the replies I will reply properly when I get on my laptop as shit phone is shit

peepshowislife Fri 17-Feb-17 16:54:38

Totally with you on this , I'm only 22 (partner is almost 33) and I'm just so dragged down with DM illness , DS being a toddler (need I say more) and DP experiencing a massive drug withdrawal. Fml. I just can't be arsed. He even had the impudence to say, we need a sex schedule ! Gah.

ApplePaltrow21 Fri 17-Feb-17 17:05:32

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes

It's not about doing something together, it's doing something physical that puts you (sexily) in touch with your own body. Stuff like salsa classes are embarrassing cliches but they WORK. I know it sounds dumb, i really do.

soloula Fri 17-Feb-17 17:11:08

The pill really affected my libido. I was on the mini pill for 10 years or more with just a brief break to conceive dc. Came off it again recently after all the reports in the media about the effect of the pill on mood and I feel like a different person - much happier and my libido has returned.

ihatethecold Fri 17-Feb-17 17:11:39

I found that coming of the pill made my sex drive return a bit.
It had killed my sex drive dead.

GeorgiePeachie Fri 17-Feb-17 17:18:04

What jumped out to me was that you don't feel comfortable in your own body. This can make a huge difference. you need to change your thinking of yourself, what does your partner find attractive in your body?

If I'm feeling down and unsexy I put on my sexy underwear and look at my bum in the mirror, dance a little. YES. I AM sexy. Ok there's celulight and pudge on my flanks and my arms wobble and I'm COVERED in eczema. But I still think of my self as sexy so I can kiss my partner with confidence that he will find me sexy and then I find I want to have sex again.

Pinkponiesrock Fri 17-Feb-17 17:24:05

I feel like this too, when we do it it's great but most of the time I can't be arsed blush
I'm so tired by bedtime. I did say to DH that sometimes mid afternoon I'll think to myself I quite fancy a bit of action right now, his response was 'just call me I'll come straight home' I did say it's probably not an excuse you can use to skip work, 'sorry the missus is a bit horny, gotta go' grin

DeliveredByKiki Fri 17-Feb-17 17:25:52

Feel exactly the same. Libido disappeared upon the birth of DC2 5 years ago and has never returned sad

Enigmatic101 Fri 17-Feb-17 17:28:52

Maybe your ex isn't good at sex in the same way that your looks aren't what they were any more

justwanttoweeinpeace Fri 17-Feb-17 17:29:33

Similar to PP's, Mirena coil killed my libido stone dead. A possibility?

It's not about doing something together, it's doing something physical that puts you (sexily) in touch with your own body. ahh sorry misunderstood, yes that makes sense too <off to book salsa class> grin

scorpio1981 Fri 17-Feb-17 17:40:52

You sound peri-menopausal or in other words, the beginning of the end of your periods and all the grief that goes with it including your sex drive that plummets because of the fading amounts of hormones. There's a book called 'What you doctor doesn't tell you about the menopause' by Dr John Lee which I highly recommend. Older friends of mine have followed his advice and got their progesterone cream off the internet and lo and behold, fun and games have re-started.

On the other hand, 3 kids is exhausting, relationships, even the best of them, have periods of complete boredom so make some 'me' time and spoil yourself.

As an afterthought there is a saying in the Middle East which is
'if a man can't eat in his own restaurant, he'll go elsewhere.' From the land of mass chauvinist pigs but true to a certain extent.

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