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To be dissapointed with my parents

(177 Posts)
dontbesillyhenry Fri 17-Feb-17 09:56:01

And their lack of grandparenting?
Yes I know they've bought up their own kids yadda yadda but they are so uninvolved recently it really smarts. And if you try and discuss this they get defensive so there's no point.
I see all these doting grandparents collecting their grandchildren off the playground and I just feel sad my parents don't want to be involved

Gizlotsmum Fri 17-Feb-17 09:58:29

Do they spend any time with them at all? How old are the children? How is your relationship with them aside from this?

Mrsglitterfairy Fri 17-Feb-17 10:01:52

Do your parents still work? And have hobbies etc? My parents don't spend much time with my boys but they work full time and have their own hobbies. Things that they now have time for as me & my sis are older and have our own lives. I don't begrudge them this time at all, they've done their child raising years and now it's their own time.

toolonglurking Fri 17-Feb-17 10:03:30

I have a similar problem, the parents have been to my house twice in the 11 months our DS has been on this earth. And when I go to see them, they don't hold him, play with him, or show any genuine interest further than 'he's very cute' from across the room while they read the paper. They are both under 65, fit and healthy, but just don't seem too keen - unless there are other people around, when suddenly they get really hands on angry
No advice, but sympathy from me.

retainertrainer Fri 17-Feb-17 10:03:39

Yep I hear you,it's even worse when they're at the beck and call of my brother and sister in law for all their child care.

Quirkyle Fri 17-Feb-17 10:04:11

My mum is the same. My parents are divorced and my dad has moved on and has a new family now. My mum's mum was a fantastic hands in Nan. She worked full time then part time, but we still spent a lot of time with her. My mum has never worked and spends no time with my children. I offer but it's always met with no.

The big kicker is now looks after my sister's two kids twice a week. My in-laws are in Scotland. We are in the south. My sister has a 9-5 job with doting in-laws too.

Yes it makes me mad but what can I do. Came to ahead when my 5 yr old said -who are you to my mum again?' She said I'm your mum's mum! To which he said 'oh! But you aren't like my mum' She blushed like mad.

She lives 60 mins away no job and she doesn't come to their birthday parties.

Sorry thats a rant off my chest!

80sMum Fri 17-Feb-17 10:05:16

When my first child was born, my parents made it very clear from the outset that they had no wish to do any "grandparenting". My mum told me that she felt she had done her bit by bringing up her own children and had no wish to get involved in bringing up mine, so wouldn't be offering to babysit or anything like that.

I was a bit disappointed but I understood how she felt and respected her honesty.

Parenting doesn't come naturally to everyone. For some, it's a struggle. The same applies to grandparents, I think.

Areasonablegal Fri 17-Feb-17 10:06:45

My parents are divorced. My mum has seen my 19mth old 6 times and my dad 4.

- once after the birth (us going to them)
- christening
- birthday
and the other couple of times we took dc to see them.

I too get very angry and resentful so feel your pain!

ssd Fri 17-Feb-17 10:08:57

I think its important to allow yourself to be sad about this and to acknowledge you aren't being silly or upset over nothing.

Maybe once you accept this, you will be able to deal with it and sort of get on with things yourself, with your kids and dont look for too much from your parents with regards your kids.

In time it may change and then you can decide if you want them having more involvement or if you like things the way they are.

But theres nothing unreasonable about feeling as you feel. Sometimes it feels like the world is full of happy involved families and everyone has a loving granny on tap.

MooPointCowsOpinion Fri 17-Feb-17 10:12:06

I do think it's strange that your parents don't dote on your children. Even if they don't want to babysit, fair enough that's not their job, they should be interested because you're their child and your children are a huge part of your life.

My parents and my in-laws are not available much, but they're always wanting to see the kids when they can and hear about them, see photos. I never had grandparents who cared when I was younger and I felt like I missed out. My grandad is dying now and if I was asked to say something at his funeral is not be able to think of 3 words to say. I don't know him. They need telling, that's not the future they want.

WinterWinds001 Fri 17-Feb-17 10:22:59

My in-laws live 10 mins away and have seen my DD(1) about 4 times and DS (3) could walk past them in the street and not recognise them.
They see other grandkids every week without fail, no idea why but they're just not interested in knowing or spending time with the DC.
It hurts my DP to know they don't care but you can't force someone to want to spend time with you or grandchildren.
There will be a time when the grandparents are older and want people to visit, I for one, will not force or convince my children to visit total strangers who couldn't be bothered with them.
You reap what you sow and so be it.

onesizefitsonesize Fri 17-Feb-17 10:28:10

DP might be thinking you want to rope them into childcare and are wary of that when they are enjoying being childfree at the moment.

Chewbecca Fri 17-Feb-17 10:29:15

My parents are fit and well and have busy lives of their own, lots of travelling and hobbies. I'm chuffed for them. They are still involved in their GC lives but not on a day to day basis & that's fine by me. There's no point being jealous of other people's lives.

diddl Fri 17-Feb-17 10:29:25

"I see all these doting grandparents collecting their grandchildren off the playground"

That might not be doting but free childcare.

What's changed recently then?

How involved were they & what are they like now?

Queenmarigold Fri 17-Feb-17 10:30:24

My parents won't help either. It is too much for them and they can't cope with the noise, the mess, the cost and it reminds them that they are older. Also they judge me (I am a terrible person, bad parent, total failure wink ) and I can't be bothered to listen to it. So I don't involve them and do it all on my own. It is lonely.

inanutshelle Fri 17-Feb-17 10:34:26

Un-involved grandparents too, on both sides.We have struggled both emotionally and financially over the years and none of them have offered any help. very good at saying We are here if you need us but have prooved that at times of crisis theyre nowhere to be found. No financial help either even though they are really quite comfortable and could help if they wanted.you just stop asking for visits or suggesting things to do in the end but its very dissapointing. i used to see all the granparents at the school gates (mine are all in secondary/college now) and i just used to feel envious that they wanted to be so involved.
When i have grandchildren i am going to be supportive and involved because that is how it should be. Just dont really understand why some people dont make the effort. OP you are not alone X

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 17-Feb-17 10:37:00

My mil hasn't seen my ds for 25 months and he is only 29 months. No back story she had told my dh many years ago she never wanted to be a gm and she stuck to it. . No gifts /cards or acknowledgement he existed.

CaraAspen Fri 17-Feb-17 10:40:42

I don't think it should be assumed that grandparents are there to help. Some of them seem to be landed with responsibilities for their grandchildren which they are not terribly happy about. They have done the parenting bit and have no wish to get involved in a quasi parental role again. Sometimes it seems, though, they are put under a sort of emotional pressure to do unpaid childminding.
So maybe some grandparents are being a bit hands off because they don't fancy being hands on...

dontbesillyhenry Fri 17-Feb-17 10:40:58

When I had my first 12 years ago they were doting and loved taking them on days out attending school plays etc even taking on holidays. 12 years on with number three unless I take them over they never see them. They live five minutes away. My mum doesn't work but my dad does

inanutshelle Fri 17-Feb-17 10:44:04

Three here too HENRY maybe the novelty wears off??? Good job it doesnt for us isnt it?X

Bantanddec Fri 17-Feb-17 10:44:11

My mother was horrified when she found out she was going to be a gm! (I think she thought this categorised her as old!) She made it abundantly clear she had no desire to do any childcare or spend prolonged periods of time with the children.

inanutshelle Fri 17-Feb-17 10:50:05

I feel that i will be partly responsible for helping to raise my future grandchildren as much as their parents want me to, they are my childrens children so why would i not want that? Just because its hard work parenting doesnt mean its right to barely be a part of a childs life because you dont want to be put on!!! Jesus are we really becoming that selfish as a society???

ssd Fri 17-Feb-17 10:55:27

you're parents are selfish op. nothing more to it. they are getting older and stuck in their ways and its all about them.

you have my sympathy.

FaFoutis Fri 17-Feb-17 10:56:21

Most of them couldn't be arsed with us when we were children, it is hardly surprising they are not interested in the grandchildren. Still comes as a shock somehow though.
My dc don't have a single grandparent who is interested in them. It takes a long time to accept that.

semanwen Fri 17-Feb-17 11:00:08

But grandparents are likely to both still working long hours themselves. I am not a granny but I am of the age where I could be. I run a company and travel extensively,, my DH travels the world working.

My parents retired at 55 and may grandmothers didn't work or worked very part -time- the world isn't the same.

If i had grandchildren of course I would be involved and see them but I couldn't look after them and unless the lived very close (or in a city that I travel to regularly) I would only be able to see them occasionally.

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