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AIBU to not want to see her?

(45 Posts)
PippaPeppasEvilTwin Fri 17-Feb-17 08:48:21

I've nc'd for this as I'm fairly sure AIBU.

Ok so I have a friend, our DHs worked in the same field. We weren't close friends, we would speak on the phone maybe once a year but are friends on FB and would whatsapp message each other now and then.

Their relationship broke down about 2 years ago. She left him because he was verbally abusive at the very end and possibly cheated on her with a colleague. During this time I supported her and we spoke on the phone, I went round to see her etc. I had just had dd2 so I couldn't do much practical stuff although I was there for her at the end of the phone.

She's moved on and had other casual relationships and contact levels dropped back to what they had been before her split with DH.

During this time there were a LOT of cryptic "can't cope with this"/"well isn't that shit" FB posts triggering "u alright Hun PM me x" type replies. I can't be doing with that stuff so would leave her to it unless she contacted me.

She wanted to meet for coffee a few times but had moved an hour away, with a newborn and a toddler I suggested meeting halfway but got a cold "I don't meet halfway" reply hmm.

I was exhausted, dealing with my own relationship issues (that she never asked about). She only ever rang to tell me the latest think her stbxh had done. I kept telling her that what he is doing/who he is doing is not her concern anymore. She Facebook stalked him, Instagram stalked him, she is/was obsessed. I was to be honest getting fed up (after a year plus of this) having the same conversations and messages back and forth about her stbxh and how she couldn't believe he was treating her like this. I kept giving her advice and support but it was like banging my head against a brick wall. I find her incredibly draining and like her life just hasn't moved on. I hope I've explained it well enough but it literally has been the same drama filled obsession with his life and what he's doing that's worn me down. She just wants to talk about him all the time and I don't get it.

Anyway onto The AIBU. She's badgering me for coffee again to catch up and I just can't face it. I feel guilty for feeling this way but after two years of this with very little support back I imagine it will be a face to face slagging off session of her stbxh that I barely knew in the first place. I haven't seen her in almost a year because of life getting in the way. We weren't that close to begin with but I feel like she uses me as an emotional venting board and nothing else.

Come on then let me have it, I'm a crap friend right?

MaudeandHarold Fri 17-Feb-17 08:50:12

Nah YANBU. I couldn't be bothered with all that shit either.

PippaPeppasEvilTwin Fri 17-Feb-17 08:50:52

Sorry just to be clear it was me with the newborn and toddler not her

SenseiWoo Fri 17-Feb-17 08:53:10

I think the 'I don't meet halfway' reply is reason enough to swerve her. Given you had a newborn and toddler, saying that was outrageous and indicates she doesn't much care about your situation. You don't have to volunteer to be her audience.

LilacSpatula Fri 17-Feb-17 08:56:41

That's the thing with friends, you get to pick em. If you can't be arsed then don't, but don't feel guilty about it. I try and think 'Would we be friends if I met you now? in these situations. If the answer is no, and you genuinely don't want to meet up with her, then don't.

LilacSpatula Fri 17-Feb-17 08:57:16

She sounds like a drain

Katy07 Fri 17-Feb-17 08:58:41

There's one crap "friend" in that scenario and it's not you!
Tell her you're prepared to meet half-way grin She'll say no, you're in the clear, job done. She's not a friend anymore; she's someone you were friendly with and the friendship (as much as it was) has served its purpose (supporting her!) and is now finishing. It happens. Some friendships last for eternity, others for 5 mins and the rest somewhere in between. You don't need that sort of energy drain in your life (I've been there and it's mentally and emotionally wearing listening to the same shit every time). Walk away. Or skip grin

altiara Fri 17-Feb-17 09:00:37

If she can't do halfway, can she do coffee at your local soft play at 10am? grin
No you're not a crap friend, she knows nothing about you, why would you make an effort to listen to someone stalking their ex.

PippaPeppasEvilTwin Fri 17-Feb-17 09:02:34

Thing is she's going to think I've ditched her because our DHs work together, although not directly. Ah fuck it, we are/were military wives.
She left me a voicemail yesterday saying "lets meet for coffee, I hope that just because I'm not one of the wives anymore that we can't still be friends I haven't seen you in ages" etc etc.

That's not the reason why I don't want to see her though!

gamerwidow Fri 17-Feb-17 09:05:34

Let her think what she likes. Friendship is a two way street and if she hasn't made the effort neither should you. If your friendship was that important to her she would have tried harder to see you and take an interest in your life. Walk way guilt free.

gamerwidow Fri 17-Feb-17 09:06:08

*walk away guilt free

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt Fri 17-Feb-17 09:10:30

altiara suggestion is good 😆

PippaPeppasEvilTwin Fri 17-Feb-17 09:16:21

altiara grin ace suggestion!

I think she said it when in one of her "I don't do anything for anyone I'm a strong independent woman" moments before trawling his Facebook and social media for any snippet about his life now

PippaPeppasEvilTwin Fri 17-Feb-17 09:16:57

God I'm a bitch. I am SO glad IANBU though.

hmcAsWas Fri 17-Feb-17 09:17:46

She sounds like a PITA

Do you want any contact with her in future (WhatsApp etc), or would you like a completely clean break?

TheFuckitBuckit Fri 17-Feb-17 09:18:16

Sounds to me like she wants the friendship on her terms. She's thrown in the comment about not being one of the wives to make herself look like she's the reasonable one. So if you refuse to meet up she can say "well I tried" and blame it on that, Rather than take any responsibility for her own actions.

Don't feel guilty, let her think what she likes. You were never that close in the first place so it's no great loss.

HerOtherHalf Fri 17-Feb-17 09:20:03

If you don't like her why worry about it? Either ignore or send her a blunt text explaining why you don't want to meet her and draw a line under the relationship. Or, you could play it a little and assume her statement about not meeting half way means she's prepared to come all the way to yours and suggest a nice little coffee shop on your doorstep. Close with a line about how you hope she's now in a much more positive place and isn't going to ruin the day droning on about her bastard ex.

BrownEyedLady Fri 17-Feb-17 09:20:20

You don't have to see her or even respond. She can draw her own conclusions and that's all on her. You don't owe anyone your friendship.

MrsDesireeCarthorse Fri 17-Feb-17 09:23:13

hmm at the suggestion it's "outrageous" not to meet halfway because you have children. I think it's extremely rude demanding someone else does all the running whether they have children or not.

Thing is she's going to think I've ditched her because our DHs work together

So what? She's not your friend, she's a total drag and you don't want to see her. Feel free to tell her the truth, but in your place I'd ignore her.

bulletjournal Fri 17-Feb-17 09:23:18

I can't see how you are "friends" with someone you speak with once a year, even if you are on Facebook together That is not friendship anyway.

lurkingfromhome Fri 17-Feb-17 09:25:25

She'd have lost me at "I don't do halfway". That is just so incredibly rude. Life is too short and too hectic to have this type of person in it. Save your time and energy for nice people who enhance your life.

YouTheCat Fri 17-Feb-17 09:31:21

What will happen if you say 'no' and stop being her sounding board?

She'll have a bit of a rant at someone else about you and move on to her next convenient 'friend'. It will not impact your life. You don't see her regularly anyway. Clean break.

YANBU - I used to have a friend a bit like that, I had to ditch her in the end as she was sucking the life out of me.

However, I guess it a way I have been a bit like you friend but on a smaller scale. My marriage ended, I had a breakdown and looking back now I know I was bloody hard work. My good friends stuck with me, and the others.....well, they obviously werent good friends.

However, she doesn't sound like a good friend anyway so run like the wind and dont look back.

Strygil Fri 17-Feb-17 09:31:54

It sounds to me as though she is using you as a listening post because she's pissed every one of her other friends off with her neediness and stupidity, and you are any port in a storm. Tell her you're too busy and keep on telling her until she finds someone else to badger.

MrsMoastyToasty Fri 17-Feb-17 09:33:17

Just say "you'll have to come over to my village/town as I'll have the little ones with me and we have a doctor's appointment (your get out clause ) at midday "...and see how she responds.

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