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To not tell DM that I'm pregnant

(15 Posts)
missm0use Thu 16-Feb-17 14:22:41

DM and I have been no contact since the start of the year. Her choice.
Found out I was pregnant with second DC at the weekend aibu to not to tell her and she can just find out through other members of the family.

Sunnysky2016 Thu 16-Feb-17 14:23:54

I don't think you are being unreasonable

GailLondon Thu 16-Feb-17 14:25:55

If it was her choice to go NC then fair enough, she has waived her right to hear updates from you directly.
How are you feeling, were you happy with the decision to go NC aswell?

mummymeister Thu 16-Feb-17 14:26:21

it depends really. if you are happy to stay NC with her then don't tell her. if you see this as possibly an opportunity to build bridges and restart the relationship with her, then I would send a card telling her all the details and leave the ball in her court.

sometimes people dig themselves into a hole and cant see a way out whilst retaining their pride or principles (however odd they are) so to get a card saying baby due xx date might give an opening. up to you really and whether you want to give it a chance.

missm0use Thu 16-Feb-17 14:38:25

We've been low contact since July - as I stopped making all the effort to call / text / invite DM to visit (which was always knocked back) and stopped making the effort to go visit.

Possibly very outting but I was uninvited to her hen party last year and she blocked me on social media days before her wedding and since then it's been NC.

Since going NC I no longer feel a constant guilt that I'm failing as a daughter for not doing more to have a better relationship. Life is a lot less stressful.

mummymeister Thu 16-Feb-17 14:41:31

so if you are ok with the situation then don't tell her directly. she will soon find out. I would however make sure to send a photo and a card when the baby is born with the date of birth and name on.

just because she has no manners and behaves badly doesn't mean you should.

glad you are feeling the benefit of it. we don't have to like our family and get on with them and it takes a lot of guts to recognise this and do something about it. hope all goes well with the pregnancy and good luck.

EmeraldScorn Thu 16-Feb-17 14:44:13

If the relationship "wasn't there" to begin with then no you're not being unreasonable not to tell her that you're pregnant but if there's hope of a reconciliation then you should consider letting her know.

It's your choice though, good luck with the pregnancy.

Raffles1981 Thu 16-Feb-17 14:54:06

I have no contact with my real mother. I am in touch with my younger brother (we have different dads) who has a great relationship with our mother and his dad. So I have told him I am pregnant and he is happy for me and I have openly told him, I don't expect him to keep my pregnancy a secret. But if she tries to contact me, I will shut her down. If it does not work , if the relationship is not healthy, then don't tell her. But be aware, if she does find out second hand, it will cause a lot of upset. So if you feel there is something to salvage, then tell her. But it really depends on how you feel. x

ohfourfoxache Thu 16-Feb-17 15:15:52

Sod it, she has no "right" to know. No one does.

Funnyface1 Thu 16-Feb-17 15:33:26

I wouldn't tell her, save yourself the stress. If it's her choice then what does she expect? She can't have it both ways. Poor you though not having a nice supportive mum when you are having a baby. And congratulations on your happy news.

user1471450061 Thu 16-Feb-17 15:50:11

I'm nc with my dad. I didn't tell him I was pregnant with our second or that he had been born. He did send a gift for the baby but addressed it to the baby, same with the card. The guilt is there but they are failing as parents...

Sometimes in life there is no room for people like that. They bring nothing to your life. Move on. Live your life.

FireInTheHead Thu 16-Feb-17 17:06:52

Damned if you do, damned if you don't in my experience of a serial nc parent. I broke one nc (for not telling him my brother and his wife had split up) with my dad upon becoming pregnant with ds2. Was more or less accused of being emotionally manipulative using the baby but we settled into an uneasy, walk on eggshells period of contact through the pregnancy.

My dad went NC again the day I gave birth. This was because he wasn't informed in a timely enough manner or the correct order of priority. Long back story involving perceived favouring on my part of my mum following their divorce. Mum lived in the same town as me, he lived 150 miles away for context, so yeah, I did see more of and spend more time with my mum than I did him.

I called him within 20 minutes of giving birth at 7.00 am on a Sunday morning from the delivery room. First I got told off for waking him but then I told him I had a good excuse, laughing, told him he had a new grandson. He then asked if my mum knew, I said yes because we'd called her at 4am to come stay with ds1 (then 5 yrs) while I went to hospital and again, just before I called him to let her know about the baby but mostly so I could speak to ds1 and tell him about his new brother. Deathly silence - for 12 years.

Me, I'd send a card on the safe arrival of your baby, OP. If she's the one who chose to go nc, she can't blame you for not letting her know you're pregnant. If she's anything like my dad she'll find something to complain about whatever you do.

missm0use Thu 16-Feb-17 22:00:47

Thank you for all the advice! Have to agree anytime I do what DM wants I get told off for some other aspect that I should have done.

I guess part of why I feel so bad is that my DF died three years ago and I would love so much to have been able to tell him I was pregnant with DD (who's now 13 months old!) so feel an extra guilt about having no relationship with the "only parent I do have".

Think I'm going to go with a card once baby is hear to announce the arrival. I'll keep the news off faceache until I've sent the card!

DeterminedToChange Thu 16-Feb-17 22:03:03

Look, if she's made the decision not to have contact with you, respect that and don't tell her anything! You're feeding her sense of importance otherwise.

Cherrysoup Thu 16-Feb-17 22:36:30

Congrats on the baby!

It was your mother's decision to go NC, so she has no right to know anything. Have a stress free pregnancy without having to worry about her spitefulness.

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